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Old 08-03-2014, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,420 posts, read 35,894,753 times
Reputation: 62795

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You're staying because you're getting something out of an abusive relationship (that's why many people choose to stay in abusive relationships - they think what they stand to lose justifies staying, when the reality is usually a lot different). In your case, you're getting a roof over your head and a college education out of the deal - and that may be worth staying and putting up with abusive behavior from these people. But only you know whether it's worth it in the long run.

You have two choices - stay and put up with the BS in exchange for a college degree and a place to live while you get it, or move out and make it on your own. If you choose to stay, you can tell yourself that it's only temporary, but only you know if you have the emotional strength to do this in exchange for your degree. No one can tell you it's right or it's wrong to do this - a case could be made for either staying or leaving.

If you stay, you really can't call the shots, because it's THEIR HOUSE and they're paying most of the bills. The only way you can call the shots is if you're on your own and supporting yourself. The sooner you can accomplish this, the better. Just don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Your emotional health depends largely on your mindset. Living in the midst of this turmoil is temporary - or rather, it SHOULD be. You may choose to USE your parents to accomplish your goal, which is to obtain a degree which in theory at least should help you secure a better future. If so, you can seal yourself off to some degree by avoiding as much contact with them, and with your brother, as possible. What you shouldn't do is allow them to mess with your peace of mind. Very few people of any age, let alone your young age, have the fortitude to do be this emotionally strong, however.

Until you learn to stand up for yourself and demand respect from your family, things are never going to improve. Even then, they may not improve, but at least you will gain respect for YOURSELF. Separate yourself as much as possible from these people. If they begin to verbally abuse you, leave the room. If they follow you to your room, lock the door. Leave the house as much as possible (between school and a job you ought not be around there too much anyway). Avoid conversations (and therefore, arguments) with them. Carry yourself with dignity.

And put some distance between yourself and these people as soon as possible.

Good luck. Been there, done that by the way. I could have written your opening post. Thirty long years later, I'm doing very well and have a happy life, while my brother is in a group home mental health situation, diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and my parents have been through hell and back with him (while I've lived independently from them since I was 19).
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Old 08-03-2014, 06:27 PM
 
12,884 posts, read 6,172,992 times
Reputation: 10743
I feel for you. My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic who was verbally and emotionally abusive. As the oldest and the only girl, I got the brunt of it. My father was the perfect enabler who never defended us kids. So, I agree---living like that negatively affects your self-esteem and self-confidence.

From what you write, it appears that you are staying strong and avoiding destructive behaviors such as alcohol, drugs or promiscuity. Keep staying strong.

Ironically, my brother, who was my mother's favorite child, ended up abusing alcohol, pot and tobacco. He was a depressive who self-medicated and got angry when anyone suggested that he stop doing so and get help. He died of lung cancer last year.

I also understand having no place else to go. After I graduated college, I returned home because supposedly there was a job waiting for me. It turned out to be false. The economy was awful. I was willing to take any honest work but couldn't find anything. Finally, after 3 months, my father loaned me money so I moved 300 miles away and lived with a friend---and finally found work. It was good to get away.

Be careful when looking to move out so that you don't get into a bad situation. Once you move out, see if you are able to find affordable counseling. Back when I was out of school, so many job applications asked if you had received counseling which held me back from doing so. Nowadays, that's not a concern. If there is student counseling at your school, go for it. Doing so may also lead to information when it comes to moving out and finding a better job.

I wish you luck and urge you to continue to stay strong!
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Old 08-03-2014, 06:42 PM
 
2,764 posts, read 2,003,648 times
Reputation: 2647
Is there campus housing where you go to school at?

I lived on campus when I was 21.

I knew that I could not have done that past the age of 21.

Living on campus may or may not be something you want to do.

Are you receiving financial aid while going to school? Could you work part-time on campus while going to school and living on campus? I will be returning to school this fall semester. I was approved for financial aid... grants. I used to work at a university, and many students worked part-time there. You can choose the work-study option when filling out your financial aid application.
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Old 08-03-2014, 06:57 PM
 
3,956 posts, read 3,186,763 times
Reputation: 12864
You can't control any of them, you can only control you. If you don't like the situation, then move out. You need to continue your schooling; its the only way you will get ahead in this world. In the meantime, stay out of everyones way, stay out of their business, and concentrate on YOU, until you can move. Stop playing the victim.

Have you applied for any grants or scholarships? There is a LOT available out there, you just need to track it down. Try and stay away from school loans; they will bury you.
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Old 08-03-2014, 07:37 PM
 
2,764 posts, read 2,003,648 times
Reputation: 2647
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
You can't control any of them, you can only control you. If you don't like the situation, then move out. You need to continue your schooling; its the only way you will get ahead in this world. In the meantime, stay out of everyones way, stay out of their business, and concentrate on YOU, until you can move. Stop playing the victim.

Have you applied for any grants or scholarships? There is a LOT available out there, you just need to track it down. Try and stay away from school loans; they will bury you.
Regarding the bolded part in pink...

OP:

At your age, 21, you would probably be considered a dependent. So when you apply for grants, you would have to include certain information from your parents income tax return(s). The financial aid you would be eligible for would depend on your parents income(s).

Scholarships are another option.

Are there other family members you could live with?
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Old 08-03-2014, 10:45 PM
 
Location: sumter
8,516 posts, read 5,330,940 times
Reputation: 6578
I care op and my advice is for you to leave that situation, the sooner the better. Do whatever you have to do to get away from that situation, its not a healthy happy place for you. Move out
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Old 08-04-2014, 12:30 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,831,602 times
Reputation: 3876
Your brother is a sociopath. Sounds like grandpa is too.

I advise you to read all you can on this strange breed. You cannot possibly begin to heal until you can understand that this is what people like this DO. It is not YOU. You are their target because you are THERE. It is nothing personal. Of course, it IS personal, to you, but they simply like to see you in pain. That's it.

The fact that your brother is a freeloader of the most unapologetic type is a screaming sign of sociopathy. You cannot expect empathy, understanding, or reason from these people. You cannot sit down with your brother and make him SEE what he is doing. He does not CARE about people. He cannot care about people. He wasn't built for that. He has no conscience. He will probably go through his life this way- but you don't have to.

I bet his girlfriend is a subserviant, quiet type, or else has alot of money. Sociopaths use people. That is ALL they do. They are not capable of real human feeling. Thank god you aren't like that, and get the hell out. You don't owe them your self esteem. You owe it to YOU to get out from under their clutches.
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Old 08-04-2014, 12:33 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 40,023,698 times
Reputation: 62030
At least you are not confused by some random guy that works for your dad this time.

Your parents home is for them to decide what is appropriate and what isn't, if you don't like their rules or how you are treated then move out on your own.
If you can't because you are not old enough or don't want to because of some excuse then you have no reason to complain.
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Old 08-04-2014, 01:42 AM
 
Location: Lake Oswego, Manhattan, Aspen
3,229 posts, read 4,190,244 times
Reputation: 11585
First, I would like to point out that getting someone involuntarily committed to a mental institution, out of spite, is a CRIME. If you had access to lawyers (and didn't need the support of your family), you could get your seriously sick and evil brother into all sorts of trouble (I'm pretty sure he violated a whole wheel-barrow full of laws), and SUE him for slander (and whatever else applies in your state). That "girlfriend" could be reported to the INS, etc., and probably barred from entering this country again . What your brother did consumed taxpayer resources, and so is a crime against whatever governmental entities paid for that "intervention", and against taxpayers, in addition to being a tort committed against you. What he did was seriously bad. Don't do anything, just yet. This is just for you to know. But if this becomes a pattern with him, realize that you do have recourse, if you're willing to fight and alienate.

Sounds like you need to stay at home for a while longer. And it sounds like you're a generous, giving, outgoing caretaker of a person. Your family is lucky to have you. But they don't deserve you.

I think you should gradually disengage from them. Don't sulk, but instead just stop caring. Contribute to the upkeep of the household as much as ever, but just stop caring whether you're appreciated or respected. Become cheerfully distant.

Does your college have a gym? Does it have a pool? If so, then you should be working up to spending two hours a day exercising (one, lifting weights, and another hour on the exercise bikes or in the pool). An hour of casual swimming, and you'll have drained every speck of stress from your being. In six weeks, you'll notice toning, and within a year, you'll see big changes. Maybe you'll still be fat. But you'll be fit fat, which will make you a dream girl for a lot of guys. More likely, you'll lose fat and gain muscle - staying at the same weight, but assuming a whole new shape.

And you'll be out of the house, away from those people who don't deserve to occupy your waking hours. You've heard those old bromides: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "Familiarity breeds contempt". Well, those sayings apply to your situation. But if you're making a new life for yourself in the outside world, then whether your family is fond or contemptuous of you... well... you'll be too busy to remember to care.

As a penniless seventeen-year-old college freshman, I set my sights on the ugliest guy I'd ever laid eyes on (but a hard worker, in a great degree program). I spotted him, first day of Weightlifting 101. He, like me, was there to do something about his hideousness. Neither of us expected to marry or ever be in love. He expected to be a lab technician somewhere, and I, to be the sort of secretary/file clerk they keep hidden out of sight. We teamed-up to explore the campus, and to do all the free activities you get with Orientation. I noticed him in a moment of 'excitement', and basically jumped him. The rest is history, and we, as a team, have gone farther than we could have even dreamed, back then. And we look as good as one would hope to look, after three decades of weightlifting and healthy eating. We're not poor or ugly, anymore.

Maybe you should start sneaking healthy snacks into your life: clandestine apples, bananas, and celery sticks. Throw out the peels at school, so nobody in your family will have a clue as to why your complexion is becoming so radiant, and your shape... so... shapely.

And if there's a Junior League or Episcopalian or Jewish-run thrift shop nearby (or a Goodwill in a really rich neighborhood near you), start shopping for amazing clothing finds. Start reading Town & Country in the college library, so you'll know what the best brands are, and know what grab when it turns up at a thrift store, at pennies-on-the-Dollar. Do searches for those labels (the elite ones: not the famous ones) in eBay and Etsy. 99.9% will be wrong and too expensive. But every now and then, something spectacular will be there at the right price. And before you know it, you'll have a job-hunting/man-hunting wardrobe. A good job and a good marriage will be more than enough, to relegate those relations to some dusty, cobweb-filled, forgotten corner of your existence.

I will add that the minimum opening balance for a MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT at a place like Bank of America is around $25.00. I don't know the threshold for penny stocks, anymore. But you don't have to be rich. As soon as you see your way clear to do so, begin saving/investing. Making a profit is less important than having savings/investing goals. Most people could be investing with that they're squandering on Frappucinos and PopTarts. Once you've started toward those goals, you'll be amazed how far you'll get. Start becoming a somebody. Start making your status within that pitiful family irrelevant.

I'm expecting you to exceed all expectations, because I know a WINNER when I read what she's written. Welcome to the world where you've always belonged.

Last edited by GrandviewGloria; 08-04-2014 at 01:52 AM..
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Old 08-04-2014, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,906 posts, read 17,215,840 times
Reputation: 40855
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrandviewGloria View Post
First, I would like to point out that getting someone involuntarily committed to a mental institution, out of spite, is a CRIME. If you had access to lawyers (and didn't need the support of your family), you could get your seriously sick and evil brother into all sorts of trouble (I'm pretty sure he violated a whole wheel-barrow full of laws), and SUE him for slander (and whatever else applies in your state). That "girlfriend" could be reported to the INS, etc., and probably barred from entering this country again . What your brother did consumed taxpayer resources, and so is a crime against whatever governmental entities paid for that "intervention", and against taxpayers, in addition to being a tort committed against you. What he did was seriously bad. Don't do anything, just yet. This is just for you to know. But if this becomes a pattern with him, realize that you do have recourse, if you're willing to fight and alienate.

Sounds like you need to stay at home for a while longer. And it sounds like you're a generous, giving, outgoing caretaker of a person. Your family is lucky to have you. But they don't deserve you.

I think you should gradually disengage from them. Don't sulk, but instead just stop caring. Contribute to the upkeep of the household as much as ever, but just stop caring whether you're appreciated or respected. Become cheerfully distant.

Does your college have a gym? Does it have a pool? If so, then you should be working up to spending two hours a day exercising (one, lifting weights, and another hour on the exercise bikes or in the pool). An hour of casual swimming, and you'll have drained every speck of stress from your being. In six weeks, you'll notice toning, and within a year, you'll see big changes. Maybe you'll still be fat. But you'll be fit fat, which will make you a dream girl for a lot of guys. More likely, you'll lose fat and gain muscle - staying at the same weight, but assuming a whole new shape.

And you'll be out of the house, away from those people who don't deserve to occupy your waking hours. You've heard those old bromides: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "Familiarity breeds contempt". Well, those sayings apply to your situation. But if you're making a new life for yourself in the outside world, then whether your family is fond or contemptuous of you... well... you'll be too busy to remember to care.

As a penniless seventeen-year-old college freshman, I set my sights on the ugliest guy I'd ever laid eyes on (but a hard worker, in a great degree program). I spotted him, first day of Weightlifting 101. He, like me, was there to do something about his hideousness. Neither of us expected to marry or ever be in love. He expected to be a lab technician somewhere, and I, to be the sort of secretary/file clerk they keep hidden out of sight. We teamed-up to explore the campus, and to do all the free activities you get with Orientation. I noticed him in a moment of 'excitement', and basically jumped him. The rest is history, and we, as a team, have gone farther than we could have even dreamed, back then. And we look as good as one would hope to look, after three decades of weightlifting and healthy eating. We're not poor or ugly, anymore.

Maybe you should start sneaking healthy snacks into your life: clandestine apples, bananas, and celery sticks. Throw out the peels at school, so nobody in your family will have a clue as to why your complexion is becoming so radiant, and your shape... so... shapely.

And if there's a Junior League or Episcopalian or Jewish-run thrift shop nearby (or a Goodwill in a really rich neighborhood near you), start shopping for amazing clothing finds. Start reading Town & Country in the college library, so you'll know what the best brands are, and know what grab when it turns up at a thrift store, at pennies-on-the-Dollar. Do searches for those labels (the elite ones: not the famous ones) in eBay and Etsy. 99.9% will be wrong and too expensive. But every now and then, something spectacular will be there at the right price. And before you know it, you'll have a job-hunting/man-hunting wardrobe. A good job and a good marriage will be more than enough, to relegate those relations to some dusty, cobweb-filled, forgotten corner of your existence.

I will add that the minimum opening balance for a MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT at a place like Bank of America is around $25.00. I don't know the threshold for penny stocks, anymore. But you don't have to be rich. As soon as you see your way clear to do so, begin saving/investing. Making a profit is less important than having savings/investing goals. Most people could be investing with that they're squandering on Frappucinos and PopTarts. Once you've started toward those goals, you'll be amazed how far you'll get. Start becoming a somebody. Start making your status within that pitiful family irrelevant.

I'm expecting you to exceed all expectations, because I know a WINNER when I read what she's written. Welcome to the world where you've always belonged.
Grandview Gloria has given you some great suggestions.

Good luck to you, I also see you as a winner and as a beautiful, capable, successful young woman.
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