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Old 09-12-2014, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,151 posts, read 806,528 times
Reputation: 4553

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Good for you standing up for yourself, Adi. Your father is too controlling, and will walk all over you if you allow it. Repeat, if you allow it. You are an adult, he will eventually have to accept you as an adult when you refuse to let him run your life.

I'm glad things are going well for you (besides his attitude). GA tech would be a great opportunity for you, I think. My cousin graduated from there (he is a mechanical engineer as well) and has a very successful career. Stay strong, and follow your dreams!
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:01 PM
 
2,498 posts, read 2,537,365 times
Reputation: 4338
I was thinking of your conflict today and remembered a friend who had similar problems. We were comparing our paths some years ago.

I remember he said he told his dad, "You raised me well. I know the difference of right and wrong. You saw to it I had a good education. Trust yourself that you did a good job. I'll be fine. You did good."

I thought that was very kind. My own conflict involved more eye-rolling (from both sides) and a good bit of loud discussing!
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:01 PM
 
4,776 posts, read 6,628,767 times
Reputation: 6785
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
dad still looks at me like a child who can be manipulated to his will. .
That's because you obviously can be. It's SO obvious in your posts that you have no backbone....but it also appears you may be starting to grow one.

Part of this seems to be cultural (I could hardly believe some of the things you were posting were not just a joke until someone said you were Indian) and probably won't change unless you reject your family's culture, which would be hard, I'm sure. Just be sure to get that backbone of yours fully grown before you have kids, because you'll need one. Kids are also master manipulators. lol

Your dad is nuts. You need to really distance yourself from him once and for all. Your parents' relationship is not your business or responsibility. If your mom really doesn't want to put up with your dad any more she can get out. You could help take care of her if that happened, as it sounds like she's never taken care of herself and would need help, but don't be trying to "fix" things for them. Stay out of it. Live your life.

And don't be making any payments besides the money for college. He simply cannot legally make you do that in this country.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:04 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,697 posts, read 74,699,564 times
Reputation: 48232
You are powerless over others you need to forget him and school and go learn a trade move out and get a life do not join the military without a trade goal if you go in without a plan you will leave with no legs
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Old 09-13-2014, 07:51 AM
 
13,326 posts, read 17,827,087 times
Reputation: 20031
At this point dad is still footing the bills. Does hanging up on him change anything on the home front?
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Old 09-13-2014, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,187,407 times
Reputation: 6321
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep View Post
At this point dad is still footing the bills. Does hanging up on him change anything on the home front?
I Just need to hang in there Threestep. I'm fighting hard to find an internship in Engineering, and its finally working. I've had a number of companies down here express interest in me, and am doing the best I can to first get an internship. Then, perform well at the company and prove my value to the industry, and finally earn financial independence with a full time job. I am also aiming to do well in grad school and expand my technical knowledge to aid me throughout the course of my career.
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Old 09-13-2014, 10:32 AM
 
31 posts, read 26,612 times
Reputation: 60
Your culture's expectations are definitely very different in regards to parental/child responsibility than they are in the United States so I'll enlighten you to the differences. Some parents pay for their children's education here but only if they can afford to do so and take care of themselves after their children graduate. Once children are adults they are expected to be more independent even if they are living at home for a couple of years. In fact most kids get part time jobs when they are teenagers to earn their own spending money and in order to learn responsibility and how to get jobs. In Girl Scouts when I was in elementary school we even sold cookies to raise money for scout camping trips. These jobs are not out of economic necessity when parents have money they are in order to learn survival, independence and coping skills. When going to college if parents pay and the child lives at home they aren't expected to repay and then also support their parents, it's just what good parents do. It is a parent's choice to have children or not. If the child wants to be independent they might even pay for a dorm room or apartment. If the parents are not able to pay for all of that the kids will live independently and get loans and grants and a part time job. I cleaned houses and wrote freelance for a newspaper. I lived in an apartment in a neighborhood with students, artists, musicians, families and unfortunately criminals nearby.
But I had a good time living there I just had to use caution and learn a little street savvy.

When parents do pay for college, the children aren't necessarily expected to be paid back, that's just part of what good parents do and if they can afford it. If they can't afford it they aren't thought of as bad parents. When parents get older they get social security from the government if they paid into it. If the parents need help financially the children will usually help if their parents were decent to them but they are not obligated to, they do so out of love. If the parents need nursing they may hire a nurse, or the government might help if the parent was a veteran. Or the parent might have to live in a nursing home.

In any case it isn't normal or even humane to keep you child prisoner in the house nor would any American kid put up with it and neither should you. Nor is it normal or appropriate in any circumstance for a father to discuss his sex life especially with the mother! How do you talk to your father about this? Just show him these responses and while he's reading them go and take a walk and think of all of the ways you can be more independent and more self sufficient including getting a job at a restaurant, getting some loans or grants and getting an apartment. Letting your parents pay for some of your schooling isn't stealing nor immoral, it's their responsibility.
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Old 09-13-2014, 05:16 PM
 
4,011 posts, read 3,233,519 times
Reputation: 13134
Its likely the arguments with him will get worse, as he is realizing he is losing control over you. Its sad for him that he doesnt realize the only person he can truly control is himself. He can control his wife, because she lets him. You have rightly made a break and it sounds like you have a great future in front of you.
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Old 09-13-2014, 05:21 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,697 posts, read 74,699,564 times
Reputation: 48232
show him you are a man, learn a trade get a job and leave or, if its like my family-- go into the armed services.
but have a clear trade in mind when you sign up otherwise you will come back with no legs. your dad will respect you when you do this. you dont need to stand up to him you need to grow up for him.
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Old 09-13-2014, 06:24 PM
 
31 posts, read 26,612 times
Reputation: 60
Hm that's interesting but he's in the process of getting an engineering degree. Maybe a internship, bonus if it pays. But if you can get a part time job and afford even a funky little place you'll find peace. Just tell him it's time for me to grow up and be a man even if you are helping with school, I don't want to be a burden.
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