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Old 08-05-2014, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,218,645 times
Reputation: 4563

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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
Is this your parents' expectation as well? In my family, my parents paid for what wasn't covered by scholarships, and their payback is that their children became functioning, productive (and debt-free) members of society.
Mine too. I would "repay" them with absolutely no hesitation by helping however much I could if ever needed but not a set amount.

Now, Adi, if you just want to pay him back - that's different - but I'd still consider official loans in that case.
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Old 08-05-2014, 01:17 PM
 
26,004 posts, read 33,018,112 times
Reputation: 32225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Oh trust me, he expects the money back. Not just student loans, but school feels and a fee for all the conveniences I was provided while at home from birth till next week. That's around $ 450 K. I am paying off all the school loans myself after I start working, and will also settle the birth to college payments thereafter.
What? That's absurd. No kid owes their parents the cost of raising them. And it's foolish to actually attempt to do so.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-06-2014 at 05:04 PM.. Reason: Wording was such that it was a personal attack
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Old 08-05-2014, 01:20 PM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,172 posts, read 15,460,459 times
Reputation: 64033
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
My dad ALWAYS controls what I do. He just does not allow me to think independently or act alone. He refuses to let me leave home and explore the outdoors by myself. I understand why a parent would want to do this to a small child, but at the age of 22 I am a fully grown man and deserve at least a bit of freedom.

He barely spends any time with my mother easing her concerns. I have taken up the duty of helping and caring for mom. Honestly, he acted like a coward this weekend talking dirty about mom to me when she was not present . On asking why he acts this way, he responds "I earn the most money in this family, lets see one of you try to do that" followed by a demeaning laugh which just infuriates my heart .

I am just thinking of letting it go for a few years, getting a job after finishing up graduate school, clearing my debt, and then proving to him how money and love should coexist. But everyday its getting worse and I feel its best for me to speak up NOW than later.

How can I stand up to him and say that what he is doing is just outright wrong . I don't want to hurt him, but want him to just take a step back and realize his mistakes and their implications. I want my family to remain happy and intact, its for this reason I am asking you. HELP ME, PLEASE .
You can't change the way your dad acts, you can only change the way you react toward him.
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Old 08-05-2014, 01:39 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 8,306,152 times
Reputation: 7524
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
No its not, he was actually a very honest and straightforward person who wanted me to be independent, till 3 years ago.

A tragic incident happened in Feb 2011 which left all of us mourning. My grandmother (dad's mom) died due to breast cancer . He never really recovered from that moment onwards. His actions and personality have changed for the worse. He just couldn't move forward from that day on , and still has lots of negative emotions bottled up inside.

I too experienced its impacts for a few weeks, but eventually broke the habit and moved on. Because Grandma's last words to me were "stay strong and move forward my sweetheart. You will succeed and I will watch from heaven in joy", and then she passed away with a smile on her face .

I wanted to live her dream, and did well in college. But dad is still stuck back there and needs to let go of the thought. I know its painful, but he should think of his mom's dreams and work for it. That's the only way, he can revive his old self.
Adi, have you told him about her words? How did your mom handle his grief?
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Old 08-05-2014, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,150 posts, read 805,140 times
Reputation: 4543
Maybe you should ask your dad and mom if they paid their parents back for all the money that was spent on them from birth until they moved out. Sorry, but that expectation is something that I've literally NEVER heard of before... maybe because it's bat**** crazy!

It is just plain wrong to expect you to owe them from birth until you move out. Wow, just wow. If it were me, I'd require proof that their parents were reimbursed for all of their childhood/teen/etc. expenses before I'd go beyond paying them back for college. I doubt that they did what they're expecting you to do in regards to repaying their parents for raising them.
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Old 08-05-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,570,147 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Oh trust me, he expects the money back. Not just student loans, but school feels and a fee for all the conveniences I was provided while at home from birth till next week. That's around $ 450 K. I am paying off all the school loans myself after I start working, and will also settle the birth to college payments thereafter.
This is ludicrous to the point of being unbelievable, but I'll play.

He can "expect" whatever he likes, but that in no way obligates you

Repay your college loans if that is the deal you made, but your expenses since birth??? HELL NO.
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Old 08-05-2014, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,056 posts, read 17,369,523 times
Reputation: 41499
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfab1 View Post
Maybe you should ask your dad and mom if they paid their parents back for all the money that was spent on them from birth until they moved out. Sorry, but that expectation is something that I've literally NEVER heard of before... maybe because it's bat**** crazy!

It is just plain wrong to expect you to owe them from birth until you move out. Wow, just wow. If it were me, I'd require proof that their parents were reimbursed for all of their childhood/teen/etc. expenses before I'd go beyond paying them back for college. I doubt that they did what they're expecting you to do in regards to repaying their parents for raising them.
I have heard of some absolutely crazy, money grubbing parents, but I agree with Gfab, I have never in my 62 years ever heard of a parent who asked that an adult child repay all the money that the parents spend on him/her from birth.

I am sorry that your grandmother died, but are there any other living grandparents that you can ask if your parents paid them back for all of their expenses until they moved away from home? Or ask your aunts and uncles about it. I suspect that this is something that your dad (or both parents) "made up" to keep you tied to them.
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:11 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,349,388 times
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Hope your major in graduate school is in something profitable. I think you definitely need to get an internship or a fellowship to help pay for tuition and get some work experience.

So your father's been running a tab for you since birth? Just ridiculous.
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,056 posts, read 17,369,523 times
Reputation: 41499
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Oh trust me, he expects the money back. Not just student loans, but school feels and a fee for all the conveniences I was provided while at home from birth till next week. That's around $ 450 K. I am paying off all the school loans myself after I start working, and will also settle the birth to college payments thereafter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kharing View Post
Hope your major in graduate school is in something profitable. I think you definitely need to get an internship or a fellowship to help pay for tuition and get some work experience.

So your father's been running a tab for you since birth? Just ridiculous.
I was thinking about that. Even if your parent kept every single receipt it still would not add up to $450,000 unless your parent was charging you rent and utilities all of those years. Did they buy an expensive house and then "bill you" 1/3 of the mortgage payment? Or did they go on expensive vacations as a family and "bill you" 1/3 of the gasoline, car depreciation & hotel bills & all entrance fees?

Just imagine how silly it would be to "charge" a baby or a 4 year or even a 14 year old for heat & electricity in his parent's house. When you have a child will you "bill your baby"? Do you know anyone else who does that?

If the cost is so high because they sent you to private schools, were you asked as a 5 year old whether you wanted to go to the public school for free or to a private school that you would need to pay back the tuition?

Did they ask you as a preschooler if you wanted an expensive nanny or just have your parents care for you themselves?

Can your parents show you a detailed daily list of expenses? Did they give you a "running total" though out your life? As a four year old? As an eight year old? As a twelve year old? I really, really doubt that.

August 10, 1990, Diapers - $5, Diaper Cream - $3, Baby Food- $4
...
August 30, 1995, Crayons - $1.50, Pencils - $1, Note book - $1 (school supplies)
August 31, 1995, Happy Meal at McDonalds - $2
...
etc.

- - - - - - -

Unless they informed you, at birth that you would be expected to pay everything back AND they allowed you to decide what things they would buy for you AND you were fully capable (mature enough) of making those decisions (pretty unlikely for a preschooler or young child or even a young teenager) it is totally ridiculous.

Last edited by germaine2626; 08-05-2014 at 04:01 PM..
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:54 PM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,901 posts, read 42,154,529 times
Reputation: 43305
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
My dad ALWAYS controls what I do. He just does not allow me to think independently or act alone. He refuses to let me leave home and explore the outdoors by myself. I understand why a parent would want to do this to a small child, but at the age of 22 I am a fully grown man and deserve at least a bit of freedom.

He barely spends any time with my mother easing her concerns. I have taken up the duty of helping and caring for mom. Honestly, he acted like a coward this weekend talking dirty about mom to me when she was not present . On asking why he acts this way, he responds "I earn the most money in this family, lets see one of you try to do that" followed by a demeaning laugh which just infuriates my heart .

I am just thinking of letting it go for a few years, getting a job after finishing up graduate school, clearing my debt, and then proving to him how money and love should coexist. But everyday its getting worse and I feel its best for me to speak up NOW than later.

How can I stand up to him and say that what he is doing is just outright wrong . I don't want to hurt him, but want him to just take a step back and realize his mistakes and their implications. I want my family to remain happy and intact, its for this reason I am asking you. HELP ME, PLEASE .

This will seem offensive to some but it's not meant to be.

You are Indian, yes? Fairly recently arrived in the US.

I'm assuming your father is, too. Isn't he just carrying on the familial customs of controlling the children into adulthood? That's what you're up against.

You're Americanizing and your father is continuing the Old Country ways. This is something all first generation immigrants to the US struggle with. I personally believe that Asians most of all.
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