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Old 08-05-2014, 04:04 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,675,162 times
Reputation: 14876

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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I was thinking about that. Even if your parent kept every single receipt it still would not add up to $450,000 unless your parent was charging you rent and utilities all of those years. Did they buy an expensive house and then "bill you" 1/3 of the mortgage payment? Or did they go on expensive vacations as a family and "bill you" 1/3 of the gasoline, car depreciation & hotel bills & all entrance fees?

Just imagine how silly it would be to "charge" a baby or a 4 year or even a 14 year old for heat & electricity in his parent's house. When you have a child will you "bill your baby"? Do you know anyone else who does that?

If the cost is so high because they sent you to private schools, were you asked as a 5 year old whether you wanted to go to the public school for free or to a private school that you would need to pay back the tuition?

Did they ask you as a preschooler if you wanted an expensive nanny or just have your parents care for you themselves?

Can your parents show you a detailed daily list of expenses? Did they give you a "running total" though out your life? As a four year old? As an eight year old? As a twelve year old? I really, really doubt that.

August 10, 1990, Diapers - $5, Diaper Cream - $3, Baby Food- $4
...
August 30, 1995, Crayons - $1.50, Pencils - $1, Note book - $1 (school supplies)
August 31, 1995, Happy Meal at McDonalds - $2
...
etc.

- - - - - - -

Unless they informed you, at birth that you would be expected to pay everything back AND they allowed you to decide what things they would buy for you AND you were fully capable (mature enough) of making those decisions (pretty unlikely for a preschooler or young child or even a young teenager) it is totally ridiculous.
Let's keep going:

Do you count birthday presents and cake - or did he deduct those?

One insurance gives a good driver discount - did you get to deduct a non-reckless child discount, because you used less band aids, doctor visits, etc. than normal? The whole reimbursement thing is ridiculous.

I am having a hard time visualizing a 22 yr. old man that is not allowed outside and has to obey like a 3 yr. old.

OP said he took up the duty of caring for his mom - but it appears that she has a job (based on this thread and more obviously in other posts elsewhere). What care does she need?
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Old 08-05-2014, 04:14 PM
 
Location: CO
2,455 posts, read 2,626,476 times
Reputation: 5196
I'm a huge fan of a certain type of fiction writing dealing with foreign-born individuals (mainly from India) moving to the U.S. and assimilating into the culture. There is always a clash of the generations too. Think Jumpha Lahiri and other authors like her. Anyway, I've read a TON of these and I can tell you that of all the conflicts that one would expect to occur, I've never read of one generation being expected to pay for their entire upbringing. Your father is making this up!

Anyway, you are leaving for school so you no longer have to deal with him on a daily basis which will make your plight easier. And you can wander outside to your heart's content and without fear of reprisal from him. He may be restricting you now because it's possible he's jealous of all the freedom and opportunities open to you that may not have been to him. He and your mother can deal with their own current relationship. I'm sure you will be a dutiful son to them someday in their old age and that's all that's required. Save your money...
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Old 08-05-2014, 05:44 PM
 
Location: Alaska
2,790 posts, read 2,511,168 times
Reputation: 4646
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Oh trust me, he expects the money back. Not just student loans, but school feels and a fee for all the conveniences I was provided while at home from birth till next week. That's around $ 450 K. I am paying off all the school loans myself after I start working, and will also settle the birth to college payments thereafter.
BULL****!!!!!

I'm telling you as a father that you do not have any obligation to pay back your father for taking care of you since birth.

Paying him back for college is a different matter because apparently that's the agreement and expectation between you two and honestly, your parents aren't obligated to pay for your college, unless they choose to do so.

As for paying him back for the expenses he incurred from your birth until college, that is entirely on him because he chose to conceive a child and you had no choice in the matter.

Dude, with all due respect, you're dad sounds psycho and if you buy into his delusions, then you have no one to blame but yourself when this goes completely off the rails.

As other posters on here have suggested, you need to form a permanent exit strategy ASAP and be committed to never returning (other than to visit).

Good luck and God bless
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Old 08-05-2014, 05:54 PM
 
477 posts, read 399,292 times
Reputation: 1547
Quote:
Originally Posted by RomaniGypsy View Post
(in response to the 22 yo OP who is still living at home) I had to do this with my parents when I was 25, and as a result, we have a better relationship now than we ever had. It was rough for about a year afterwards - my dad didn't speak to me for that whole year - but I didn't back down.
Waiting until you are 22 and 25 to take care of this situation? You guys have waited WAY too long.

I was out at 17. I don't recommend that if there's another choice - but by the age of 20+, you are free to go. You don't have to wait for your parents to do ANYTHING.

Oh yes, and I worked my way through college. Much tougher to do now, I freely admit. But you ought to be far enough along now to manage the rest. The heck with "waiting 'til the debts are paid". You've waited too long already.

OP - if you are from India - I know something about Indian immigrants to the US and how they assimilate, or do not, and I'm here to tell you, of all the horror stories I've seen regarding parents trying to maintain control over their adult children, this takes the cake. The only one that was worse was way back in the 80's when a family tried to force their 17 year old daughter (raised here from birth) into an arranged marriage, and EVERY single other Indian person/married couple we knew at the time (my ex was from Vijayawada) thought they were nuts. Not over the arranged marriage per se - but over the element of force.

I can guarantee you no sane person from India, here, or anywhere, would think it was OK to charge for their child's upbringing. I, too, would like to see an accounting for that. Also - if your dad has so much money - why would you need to pay them retirement? Has he no retirement of his own? If not, why not? That is not your fault. Of course we help our parents out if they need it - but actually paying for their retirement????

IF there was an agreement BEFORE you started school that you would pay them back, then I guess I would go ahead and do that. This is also an agreement I have never heard before, except in very rare circumstances where the family is poor and has more kids to get through college, and then it is basically helping younger siblings get through school behind you.

But as far as paying them back for the cost of raising you - tough noogies!

Your dad needs to get some professional help if the death of his mother has left him so angry and abusive. YOU need to stay away from him. Offer your mother a place to live if you feel it is warranted, but she is not your responsibility to care for either. Should she move in with you - your father must be banned from the house. Otherwise he will just show up and cause the same trouble. Tell him you love him, but you cannot and will not tolerate his behavior. Offer to go to therapy WITH him. Otherwise - stay away from him.

And when you say your father "talked dirty" about your mother to you - if you mean sexually - that is just bizarre and totally unacceptable, no matter how much money he makes. If you meant he was bad-mouthing her, that is bad enough and also not acceptable. No one has the "right" to bad-mouth someone, even if they DO make a ton of money.

Toxic is toxic. You need to stay away. With an engineering degree, you should have plenty of job opportunities. Frankly I don't see how you didn't manage a good paying job with your bachelor's degree, unless its a weird microcosm of engineering you're working in? Or - and this is my guess - you were limiting your job options to geographic locations that would have kept you in your parent's house?

Last edited by NeonGecko; 08-05-2014 at 06:12 PM..
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Old 08-06-2014, 01:04 AM
 
1,964 posts, read 2,554,110 times
Reputation: 1894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
I will not be living at home (from next tuesday onwards), but my parents are paying for school.

Its just 2 more years of school. I promise, they will be paid back in full once I start working. Their money isn't going to be wasted, I am sure of that. It will be returned. Once mom & dad stop working, I will take care of their retirement payments as well.

I tried to get a job with my undergraduate degree, and failed in securing a position. Its almost certain that I need more experience/Higher level of education. Since my GPA is relatively good, grad school was a reasonable choice.
Let's hope you're right about that. Lots of people with post grads out of work. Why are you taking care of their retirement income??? What about your own life??
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Old 08-06-2014, 01:47 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,164 posts, read 20,476,226 times
Reputation: 26443
I actually do know someone whose mother handed her an itemized bill of all of her childhood expenses on her wedding day, and asked the groom to set up a payment plan. The mother wasn't from another culture, she was just delusional. The girl fully expected her husband to start making payments to her mother. They divorced in less than a year.


Anyhow, Adi, you can't be expected to pay your parents back for the cost of raising you. School expenses after high school, sure. But the rest, no way.
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Old 08-06-2014, 06:10 AM
 
5,868 posts, read 5,725,186 times
Reputation: 5224
oh boy, i was all set to tell you one thing, but your father has got you tied to him financially because of school. anything you say might cause a risk to him cutting you off.

so you have to decide is it worth it if you lose everything in order to gain your freeedom. thats #1.

can you afford to live on your own, even a small apartment without his help? can you live financially free? can your mom help?

If you can do that, make plans to move. When you are ready to move, then you may have to move when he is not there, or have a policeman there in case he threatens you. for real. He sounds a bit unpredictable.

when you are ready to leave and are going to be safe, then you can speak your mind to him.

If you are ready to leave and willing to fund your school on your own, then you have to be ready to live on your own, if you can do that, then repeat the above instructions.

if you are not ready to live on your own and are stuck in your current house with mom and dad, then you can chooose to speak your mind in small steps, take a small risk and say a small thing and see what happens. I'd like for you to see what reaction your father has if you say a small assertive thing to him. That will give you an indication of what his reaction is like. then you will have the courage to say more. you are testing his reactions out. You will know what more to say. be prepared for anything to come out of his mouth. You might need a supportive person with you when you speak to your dad.
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Old 08-06-2014, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,169,552 times
Reputation: 6320
OK, my entire family talked about this at the dinner table, and finally dad decided that repaying the money from when I turned 16 till grad school finishes (Around $202 K) was enough (after me and mom made him realize how ridiculous he sounded). That's something I can provide in terms of remittance. Dividing the cost over 25 years puts me at around $ 8000/yr, which seems reasonable in my eyes. The starting income for a GA tech Masters graduate in engineering with good standing is around $75K (as opposed to just $59K with my undergraduate degree). Taking off $8000 per year still leaves me with still leaves me with $67K, which is reasonable for a single adult male to live on (As opposed to somewhere in the low 50's K which is quite poor by NJ standards). And as time goes on, I hope to receive promotions which could increase my base income, thereby decreasing the impacts.

Dad was raised by a money hungry and controlling father himself and what I am seeing is the typical "like father, like son" thing over here.

Last edited by Adi from the Brunswicks; 08-06-2014 at 07:29 AM..
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,216,807 times
Reputation: 4563
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
OK, my entire family talked about this at the dinner table, and finally dad decided that repaying the money from when I turned 16 till grad school finishes (Around $202 K) was enough (after me and mom made him realize how ridiculous he sounded). That's something I can provide in terms of remittance. Dividing the cost over 25 years puts me at around $ 8000/yr, which seems reasonable in my eyes. The starting income for a GA tech Masters graduate in engineering with good standing is around $75K (as opposed to just $59K with my undergraduate degree). Taking off $8000 per year still leaves me with still leaves me with $67K, which is reasonable for a single adult male to live on (As opposed to somewhere in the low 50's K which is quite poor by NJ standards). And as time goes on, I hope to receive promotions which could increase my base income, thereby decreasing the impacts. Dad was raised by a money hungry and controlling father himself and what I am seeing is the typical "like father, like son" thing over here.
This is still wrong on so many levels, IMO.
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,169,552 times
Reputation: 6320
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
This is still wrong on so many levels, IMO.
It's the best deal we were able to cut out, and keeps both of us equally satisfied.

Only thing I can do is fuel myself towards success and pay back with what I have.

I would never do this to my own children however, but that's just me.
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