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Old 08-05-2014, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,156,765 times
Reputation: 6316

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My dad ALWAYS controls what I do. He just does not allow me to think independently or act alone. He refuses to let me leave home and explore the outdoors by myself. I understand why a parent would want to do this to a small child, but at the age of 22 I am a fully grown man and deserve at least a bit of freedom.

He barely spends any time with my mother easing her concerns. I have taken up the duty of helping and caring for mom. Honestly, he acted like a coward this weekend talking dirty about mom to me when she was not present . On asking why he acts this way, he responds "I earn the most money in this family, lets see one of you try to do that" followed by a demeaning laugh which just infuriates my heart .

I am just thinking of letting it go for a few years, getting a job after finishing up graduate school, clearing my debt, and then proving to him how money and love should coexist. But everyday its getting worse and I feel its best for me to speak up NOW than later.

How can I stand up to him and say that what he is doing is just outright wrong . I don't want to hurt him, but want him to just take a step back and realize his mistakes and their implications. I want my family to remain happy and intact, its for this reason I am asking you. HELP ME, PLEASE .
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:38 AM
 
8,558 posts, read 7,132,969 times
Reputation: 9006
Are you still living at home?
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:41 AM
 
13,677 posts, read 13,579,480 times
Reputation: 39884
Your dad isn't going to change. I'm kind of weirded out that he was talking dirty about his wife to his son. That's some psycho **** there. And when you say you can't explore the outdoors, what do you mean by that? Is that a metaphor or is this guy really preventing you from going out of the house?

You're used to your father because he's always been around. Consider that your family may be happier with him out of the picture.

And at 22, it's time for you to go out on your own. You can finish grad school without his help.

Seriously, dude, you're the one always talking about how great arranged marriages are. Take a good look at your parents. That doesn't sound like a situation any sane person would want to be in.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,533 posts, read 24,125,101 times
Reputation: 48896
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
Are you still living at home?
And are your parents paying for school, car, etc.?
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:58 AM
 
5,338 posts, read 5,296,905 times
Reputation: 12489
Get him super drunk, have him give you all his financial information, use it to get the $, go live the high life.

Oh, and while he's drunk, get him to do something completely embarrasing and shameful (something that can get him fired) and take somepictures of it to use as blackmail - have him send you $ every month or threaten exposure.

You're welcome.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,665,561 times
Reputation: 14876
This wins the Strangest Thread Ever prize. Where do I send the trophy?
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:11 AM
 
Location: I live wherever I am.
1,935 posts, read 3,737,293 times
Reputation: 3235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
My dad ALWAYS controls what I do. He just does not allow me to think independently or act alone. He refuses to let me leave home and explore the outdoors by myself. I understand why a parent would want to do this to a small child, but at the age of 22 I am a fully grown man and deserve at least a bit of freedom.

He barely spends any time with my mother easing her concerns. I have taken up the duty of helping and caring for mom. Honestly, he acted like a coward this weekend talking dirty about mom to me when she was not present . On asking why he acts this way, he responds "I earn the most money in this family, lets see one of you try to do that" followed by a demeaning laugh which just infuriates my heart .

I am just thinking of letting it go for a few years, getting a job after finishing up graduate school, clearing my debt, and then proving to him how money and love should coexist. But everyday its getting worse and I feel its best for me to speak up NOW than later.

How can I stand up to him and say that what he is doing is just outright wrong . I don't want to hurt him, but want him to just take a step back and realize his mistakes and their implications. I want my family to remain happy and intact, its for this reason I am asking you. HELP ME, PLEASE .
Adi... good to see you again.

From personal experience, I can tell you that you have to blow this situation out of the water. Tell your dad exactly how you feel. Understand that it may result in you being kicked out, so be prepared to have a place to stay, and a vehicle to get around. I had to do this with my parents when I was 25, and as a result, we have a better relationship now than we ever had. It was rough for about a year afterwards - my dad didn't speak to me for that whole year - but I didn't back down.

That's what you have to do. Don't back down. Whatever you do, you're going to anger him by telling him he's wrong if he is as much of a control freak as you paint him as being. But... you have to do what you have to do. Sooner or later he will realize the error of his ways... IF YOU DON'T BACK DOWN.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,156,765 times
Reputation: 6316
I will not be living at home (from next tuesday onwards), but my parents are paying for school.

Its just 2 more years of school. I promise, they will be paid back in full once I start working. Their money isn't going to be wasted, I am sure of that. It will be returned. Once mom & dad stop working, I will take care of their retirement payments as well.

I tried to get a job with my undergraduate degree, and failed in securing a position. Its almost certain that I need more experience/Higher level of education. Since my GPA is relatively good, grad school was a reasonable choice.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,533 posts, read 24,125,101 times
Reputation: 48896
People are mentioning money not because of wasting their money, more that your parents (more likely your father) funding your life also gives them an element of control over your life. Since you're dependent on him, you can't easily tell your father to shove it.

While you're away from home you need to develop a less dependent, obedient personality with regards to your family. You're a grown man and an adult. Act like it.
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 11,156,765 times
Reputation: 6316
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
People are mentioning money not because of wasting their money, more that your parents (more likely your father) funding your life also gives them an element of control over your life. Since you're dependent on him, you can't easily tell your father to shove it.

While you're away from home you need to develop a less dependent, obedient personality with regards to your family. You're a grown man and an adult. Act like it.
I really can't stand my own until securing financial independence. I tried to do this after my undergraduate degree, but was unable to succeed.

But I realized that staying at home isn't going to work for me anymore. So, decided to attend graduate school in a place where most masters degree students in engineering were able to secure a well paid position and lead independent lives, and that meant moving quite far away. After getting my Job, its time for me to pay back for the money they spent on me, adjusted to COL. Otherwise, I have essentially become a thief.

I have a feeling that the personality development you are talking about will be developed out of necessity.
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