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Old 08-08-2014, 10:46 AM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,615,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I'm certainly not assuming. Merely offering viewpoints you may not have considered.

Legal status aside, coming out is still an individual choice for each person. Consider for a moment that your son KNOWS how very much YOU want him to be married. He knows how a DIFFERENT path for him might be VERY hurtful to you, so he might want to avoid that. That could be enough for him to keep it to himself and keep up the pretense of "dating" lots of hetero women.

Anyway, he probably isn't gay. I just wondered how suggesting that a single, successful 35-yr-old MIGHT be gay could be insulting to gays.

I swear I'm not trying to be confrontational. I do hope you find peace with this, Mom.

Very good point, with so much pressure being put on him to get married, if he happened to be gay that would make it that much harder, regardless of how open the area is in which they live.

I will say I find it unusual for a 35yr old single man to have a lot of gay friends as the OP mentioned. One or two friends from childhood or college who turn out be gay, but most straight men don't have many gay male friends as the OP mentioned her son does.
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:51 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,172 posts, read 15,423,597 times
Reputation: 64032
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
I am posting this to see if people can relate to this, either as parent or as child, and offer some perspective.

our son, the younger child, is 35+, handsome, healthy, has a great career, lives and works in another state, and is single. both my husband and i would like to see him married, have a companion, partner, love in his life. he is trying to meet women as well, i think he is on dating sites although he would never discuss this with us, has had girl friends but nothing that looks like it is going to be long term.

i cannot understand why. it may be he is not ready for marriage, to share his life with someone, is afraid to make that leap. he was here with us for the summer (he teaches,) and was seeing a girl (who also teaches) and they were out a lot, overnight at her place, he brought her home, twice, they seem to have a lot in common, we liked her, they went for a weekend to the cape on a camping trip -- and then nothing. he seems to have lost interest in her but will not discuss, and it is very hard to talk to him without getting him very annoyed. i don't know who has decided it is not working, she or him.

in my rational mind i know for the sake of everyone's sanity i should just let him be and when he is ready he will find someone. but i also worry he is lonesome, depressed, and will end up a loner in his old age.

it was so different with my daughter, she dated 2 men, got married to the 3rd one. we always knew what was happening with her, her dates, her plans, if she was sad, if she was happy, there were no mysteries.

with my son - it is all dark and a mystery. very frustrating.
It is really none of your business. Notice how the more you ask, the less he tells you?
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:57 AM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,615,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
I laugh at the posters who claim this is "helicoptor parenting" or that the OP is "overly involved" is her son's love life. I can only assume those posters are young people with no kids or life experience, or people with horrible parent/child relationships.

Let me tell you something, my 85 year old mother worries about me, her 55 year old daughter, being alone (divorced) and I worry about my 27 year old daughter and 24 year old son being alone. Life is hard, they feel pain and I feel pain and we all know it. Everyone would like the people they love to have someone in their life to help them through AND bring joy to their lives. Even people who are happy being single still need people in some capacity. It doesn't matter if you believe in marriage or had a bad experience with a girl that one time or have no interest in sex so you avoid dating....people still want for you what they know would be something good whether you want it or not. It's not being forced upon you, but you can't force them not to worry about you either. Personally, I'm tired of the occasional late night phone calls from my D when something goes amiss in her life since I'm the one she turns to in crisis. I'd love for her to have more than me for that because I won't be around forever and my mom probably feels the same since she got that end of the stick when my marriage fell apart. Be grateful anyone cares about you at all and enjoy the human experience!

All parents want to see their children happy, whether the child is 4 or 5, or 45.

The OP's son isn't unhappy. SHE is unhappy that he isn't married.

There is a difference.

I also find you contradict yourself. On the one hand you talk about parents worrying about their children and than you sound annoyed that your daughter calls you when she is in crisis, I find that kind of self absorbed in that you to hope she "finds someone else to turn to in crisis".

Newsflash, if she meets someone or gets married and there are bumps in the road, she will still be placing that late night phone call.

Because chances are those crisis calls will be about whomever she is involved with at the time.

You are after all her mother.
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Old 08-08-2014, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Terra
2,827 posts, read 3,203,230 times
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ROFL, I'm in the same boat as your son.

I certainly hope my mom doesn't think I'm a closeted gay.

I just like keeping the majority of my money, living alone, traveling with friends when I want and dating around (with women.)
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Old 08-08-2014, 02:49 PM
 
329 posts, read 311,292 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
Really?
Please let him alone.

He may be happy being single.
He may be gay.
NO matter what, his love life is none of your business... he IS 35+ after all!
It a parents eyes, you are always 12.
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Old 08-08-2014, 03:02 PM
 
398 posts, read 376,661 times
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It is quite possible that he just doesn't have the personality to find a mate. That sometimes happens with guys, we don't have "whatever it is" that women go for.

I'm turning 32 pretty soon, and am in the same boat. While I wouldn't describe myself as handsome, people do like me, and I've had many female friends. I'm not gay, but I have a hell of a time trying to get anything other than friend interest from women.
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:18 PM
 
701 posts, read 923,691 times
Reputation: 897
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsun556 View Post
ROFL, I'm in the same boat as your son.

I certainly hope my mom doesn't think I'm a closeted gay.

I just like keeping the majority of my money, living alone, traveling with friends when I want and dating around (with women.)

What you say: "I value my freedom"
What everyone hears: "I'm gay!"



So any guy who isn't so wild about the possibility of alimony and child support payments (let's face it, the divorce rate is 50% plus) is obviously in the closet...
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Europe
2,730 posts, read 2,075,976 times
Reputation: 4158
Good sons are not necessarily good husbands.
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Old 08-09-2014, 02:23 AM
 
4 posts, read 3,589 times
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I married at 38 to a man of 55. He had been shortly married before, no kids.
We proceeded to have 2 children.
His mother gave birth to him at 37.
So she was a nonagenarian when she had grandchildren from him.

Regardless of our older and supposedly wiser ages, we still ended up in divorce.
I am alone and happier now. The kids live with me. I wish my ex participated in our kids' life but he only promises. He waits for help and guidance himself. That was one of the reasons we had split, - he needed a mother figure, which I refused to be.

Currently, I have only a latent desire to have a partner. I am actually glad to be free from the burden of living with someone. I don't think it would be my parents' place to nag me to hook up with someone. Which they would do, had I allowed them in my personal life.

The moral of the story: live and let live. You don't know know how women view your son from within a relationship. A relationship, a marriage could break, too. What if he ends up unhappier than he is now? Beware of being blamed for that.

Last edited by Alternatif; 08-09-2014 at 03:33 AM..
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Old 08-09-2014, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Vero Beach, Fl
2,949 posts, read 12,162,501 times
Reputation: 2074
Marriage and kids are not everyone's cup of tea. Some parents just can not wrap their brain around that. Leave the poor guy alone. Besides, he may have a life he doesnot wish to share with you. I surely hope you are not one of those mom's who calls her son every day or so to see what he is up to.
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