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Old 08-08-2014, 01:52 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,477 times
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I'm 24 and my mom and I are very close. There's no one in this world who has done more for me.

My family lives in Wisconsin, which for my career as a Graphic Artist and Illustrator is not a good place for me. I'm moving to south Florida (Fort Lauderdale) in a few weeks. I moved there before when I was 23 for 6 months, and it was so hard for her then, but I think it's even harder for her now, because she knows that I won't be coming back.

I would do anything to see her happy, but I feel like if I don't leave now, I won't ever start my life. I don't know what to do to make the move easier on her, or make her not so sad.

Both my parents are older, she has other kids and raises 4 grand kids with my dad, but I've always been closest with my mom as I'm the baby of the family. She can't retire any time soon, and her life is so hectic being her age raising 4 children all over again, which has drained her retirement, and I feel like I need to be there to help her.

It hurts me to my core to think that I'm making her sad, but if I don't leave I'll never be happy myself..

I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would help..
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Old 08-08-2014, 02:31 PM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,475,704 times
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Be there for her when you can, but you need to get on with your life. Call her. Try to plan to visit now and then or send her a plane ticket to visit you if you can afford it. And MOSTLY get on those siblings butts who are allowing your mother to raise their children to help her out
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Old 08-08-2014, 02:54 PM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,764,332 times
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It won't be easy, but it's also not necessarily forever. You might acquire skills and be able to move back. Or things might change for your parents and they'll move to be closer to you. In the meantime you can stay in touch via phone, skype, etc. and visit as often as possible.
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Old 08-08-2014, 03:49 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,244,776 times
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Move and get on with your life. This is the only life you get. It's yours to live.

What you can do is to encourage your mother to not be so dependent upon you. You say she has other children- have her contact them for household help. Why is raising four grandchildren ? If she's providing day care every day and weekends, get her to tell her children she can't do it any more. They'll have to find other help for their children.

Keep in mind your mother may be taking on more than she can handle because she's had you to help her out. Perhaps with you permanently gone, she'll get her life under control. Where is your father in all this ? Is he helping out with the grand kids. - is he encouraging his other children to take on responsibility for their own kids ?

If your mother has legal custody of these four grandchildren, then why is that ? If one parent can't take care of them, where is the other parent, where is the other set of grand parents ? Your mother seems to be making life easier for everyone else at her own expanse. Try to figure out why and what can be done to change that situation in large or small ways.

What you want to do though, is to do that from afar. Help your parents explore other options for their lives that do not include you getting involved in the day to day household dynamics. Stay in touch with your family, visit once a year if you have the money.

Don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for your parents happiness. Your growing up well, getting a schooling, having a career, being able to be independent and off on your own are the things that should make a parent happy. Guilting a child into never leaving home and turning that child into a household servant is not emotionally healthy for either you or your mother. No parent should want that for a child. Leave and good luck in Fort Lauderdale.
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Old 08-08-2014, 04:25 PM
 
3,952 posts, read 3,180,794 times
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In this day and age, theres no excuse for not leaving and starting your life. There is so much social media and ways to keep in close contact with people. Ive actually kept in closer touch with people once then moved away than when they lived next door. Email, texting, skyping, Facebook....you can keep in touch as much as you want.

You arent leaving her home alone, it sounds like she has more than enough to keep her busy.
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Old 08-08-2014, 04:58 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 91,977,747 times
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Your mother will get over it. She truly will. I had a hard time when my last one left, but it was temporary. Your mother will have an easier adjustment since she's busy with work and raising other children. How you can make it easier is keep in touch with her.
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Old 08-08-2014, 05:13 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,477 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
Move and get on with your life. This is the only life you get. It's yours to live.

What you can do is to encourage your mother to not be so dependent upon you. You say she has other children- have her contact them for household help. Why is raising four grandchildren ? If she's providing day care every day and weekends, get her to tell her children she can't do it any more. They'll have to find other help for their children.

Keep in mind your mother may be taking on more than she can handle because she's had you to help her out. Perhaps with you permanently gone, she'll get her life under control. Where is your father in all this ? Is he helping out with the grand kids. - is he encouraging his other children to take on responsibility for their own kids ?

If your mother has legal custody of these four grandchildren, then why is that ? If one parent can't take care of them, where is the other parent, where is the other set of grand parents ? Your mother seems to be making life easier for everyone else at her own expanse. Try to figure out why and what can be done to change that situation in large or small ways.

What you want to do though, is to do that from afar. Help your parents explore other options for their lives that do not include you getting involved in the day to day household dynamics. Stay in touch with your family, visit once a year if you have the money.

Don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for your parents happiness. Your growing up well, getting a schooling, having a career, being able to be independent and off on your own are the things that should make a parent happy. Guilting a child into never leaving home and turning that child into a household servant is not emotionally healthy for either you or your mother. No parent should want that for a child. Leave and good luck in Fort Lauderdale.
All four grand children are under her custody. They are all the children of one of my sisters and she lost custody from being an addict. Their dad is a Mexican who was recently deported back to Mexico, and when he is in the states he sends all of his money to his mom out in Mexico, and nothing to his children.
My dad works a very good job in web coding, but he's not in great health and after he's off work he just wants to rest. On top of my mom raising her 4 grand kids, she also runs a day care in her home, and 5 days a week she has anywhere between 8 to 12 kids that she watches all by herself.

Maybe in a sense she is manipulating me to stay, but it's not intentional, and she does support my decision to leave and live my life for myself, but any time I talk with her about it she starts crying.

I know I can keep in touch I just wish there was a way I could show her how hard it is for me to leave her, how much she means to me, and stuff I can say to show her that it will be Ok. I don't exactly know what I want from posting on this forum, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better
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Old 08-08-2014, 05:35 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 91,977,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidBielich View Post
I know I can keep in touch I just wish there was a way I could show her how hard it is for me to leave her, how much she means to me, and stuff I can say to show her that it will be Ok. I don't exactly know what I want from posting on this forum, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better
Send her a card or a letter after you move. An old fashioned snail mail card she can cherish. Tell her how much she means to you. My son sent me a birthday card a few months after he first moved, and what he wrote in the card touched my heart. I still have it. I'll keep it forever.
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Old 08-08-2014, 05:55 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,244,776 times
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Your mom has bitten off far more than she can chew. Would she be better off getting rid of the in home day care and going to work out of the home or at a day care center. The grandchildren will be in regular school for the most part.

Is she working closely with social services to try work a family reunification with the addict sister? Frequently it's just hopeless, but sometimes it works, even if just part time. Is she in touch with your other siblings to have them try to take care of the grandchildren, even if just on a rotating basis for a weekend or some evenings.

It's very understandable that you want to try to help your mom and tell her how much she means to you. Do what you're doing with us. Sit her down and simply tell her how much you love her and how important she is to you. Yes, she'll cry- that's OK. Tell her how much you care- just say the words, they'll come out. Tell her she may need to try to find other solutions to the huge number of kids in the house all day. Let her know it's OK to say " enough is enough" .

Also, keep in mind that eventually the grandchildren will grow up- things will be very different in ten years or so. Mom & Dad will have more their time free- they may be able to move closer to you, etc.
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