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Old 08-15-2014, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
351 posts, read 574,720 times
Reputation: 649

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You are an adult now. It is completely your choice to contact your father. He can't kidnap you or claim you as his own at this point. You are a free man from family obligations between your parents. It would be completely unfair of your family to hold bad feelings against you.

Maybe to make the idea more comfortable for all of you, talk to your family first about what you want to do and what your intentions are. If they feel better, start off with a letter to your father as a way to start the communication. Then move to phone calls and then possibly meet him. I'm adopted and I found my birth family. I wanted to meet them. My parents were OK with it, but I could tell my mother was less comfortable with the idea than my father who seemed confident there was nothing to worry about. I was 28 years old when I this happened, by the way. I met my maternal cousin and grandmother. I met an uncle as well on my birth mother's side, but not my birth mother. She had died when I was 11 (I was adopted as a baby. I found out about her death when I first started to look for my biological family). I asked about my birth father. There was definite ill feelings between the two sides because of my adoption, but I was given his information anyhow. I met him (he was living around the block from the the entire 5 years I lived in on the North coast of Long Island, NY). I never knew that, but I likely ran in to him many times while buying groceries in the local store and when I was walking my dogs around the block. He looked a lot like me...masculine me...I'm a girl. Anyhoo, he introduced me to his family (he was just moving out of his ex's house when I contacted him). They were all very warm and inviting to me.

Meeting my biological family was something I needed to discover for myself. I learned about my medical history which was really the only thing I wanted to know since I was getting married to a man who was also adopted in the same state as I was. I didn't want to find out I was marrying my cousin or something! Meanwhile, some of my adoptive family members expressed concern and anxiety about my choice to meet my biological family, but no one ever put me down for it. I do not have a relationship with my biological family anymore. I left that part up to them. It was hard for them to see me, but they all said they were happy to have closure knowing what has happened to me. I needed that closure too. It sounds liek this may be closure for you. In your case, you may end up with a relationship with your father. It may shake things up a little in your family, but remind them often how much you love and appreciate them and that your feelings for them will not change. You only want to meet him. If anything further happens, it will not change anything about you and them.
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Old 08-17-2014, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,747,361 times
Reputation: 32309
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
I was wondering if I should contact him. My wife and I will soon be trying to have children and she wants to know his side medically. I am just worried about my family finding out and what they will think after me never knowing or asking about him. Thanks guys.
I want the second the motion of several other posters who wrote that since you are a 27-year-old adult, you should put aside worries about your family's reaction and do what you want to do.

Also I will go a bit further (even though you didn't ask for this feedback) and say that I think you have issues to work on about being an autonomous, independent adult. Why are you so afraid of your family?
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Old 08-17-2014, 07:07 PM
 
172 posts, read 214,812 times
Reputation: 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Hi everyone. I'm a 27 year old married male. My parents were divorced when I was 1 year old. I've only seen photos of my father. Apparently it was a bad divorce that ended with my family hating him and him threatening to take me from public school in kindergarten.

I've never thought of him really, just alway left it alone. My wife has been curious since we got married and can't understand me not ever trying to find and talk to him. He's now a well known doctor I see.

I was wondering if I should contact him. My wife and I will soon be trying to have children and she wants to know his side medically. I am just worried about my family finding out and what they will think after me never knowing or asking about him. Thanks guys.
It's personal decision. If he has made any attempt to contact you since leaving then yes contact. If not then, no. It's up to you though. People do change.
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Old 08-19-2014, 07:20 AM
 
1,214 posts, read 1,356,465 times
Reputation: 1908
Contact your father and then decide if you two will have a relationship. Every person deserves to know their biological parents.
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Old 08-19-2014, 01:04 PM
 
329 posts, read 312,399 times
Reputation: 482
I would contact him if its possible. If you are thinking about it, you want to. Don't wait till its too late.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:10 PM
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,581,865 times
Reputation: 3810
Do you want to contact him?
You will need medical history.
If he's a doctor would be easy to send out feelers.
He call you or not.
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:44 AM
 
246 posts, read 409,003 times
Reputation: 124
Wow guys. My life is like a lifetime movie now. I'm very glad I listened to you guys and contacted him. He is now a Professor of Pharmacy and in the United States Congress.

I contacted him and he was overjoyed. He said he knew this day would come and he had been waiting on it for 25 years.

He said he can have the case reopened to prove everything is accurate. My grandmother was the cause of my parents divorce. Of course my mom could have put her foot down but she didn't. My grandmother didn't like him because he wasn't white so she did everything she could to stress their relationship and finally she won it over. My dad tried getting his visitation, but every time he came up, my grandmother would call the local sheriff who she was friends with, and lie saying he was trying to kidnap me. He said he would never do such a thing. She kept him from ever seeing me as my mom and I lived with my grandparents for a while after they divorced.

Since that happened, he wanted to be part of my life but didn't want to keep causing trouble, so he hired a private investigator to follow me up until I graduated college. He knew where I went to school, bands I've played in, vacations I've taken, and has pictures of me throughout the years. Kinda creepy, but shows he was a good dad after all. If he wanted to kidnap me like my grandmother lied about, then he could have easily. He wanted to be part of my life in a way. He said his new family celebrates my birthday every year still.

Everything he said makes perfect sense about the way my family is now. It explains a lot. My mother always said she and my grandmother couldn't get along. My dad told me one of their friends who was the pastor of their church at the time, said my grandmother really needed help.

They had my name completely changed because of my grandmother having her maiden last name, wouldn't accept any "imperfections" within the family. We live in a small town where a lot of this is still somewhat present.

He has consulted with the Mayo and Cleveland clinics about how to help my wife with her problems in trying to get pregnant and offered us to come visit as soon as we can. I have a sister and 2 brothers also. I've been talking with my sister for the last week or two.

I haven't told my family yet and not sure I will. Regardless it's been crazy finding out how crazy my family is and how glad I am I contacted him.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:26 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,839,861 times
Reputation: 25432
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Wow guys. My life is like a lifetime movie now. I'm very glad I listened to you guys and contacted him. He is now a Professor of Pharmacy and in the United States Congress.

I contacted him and he was overjoyed. He said he knew this day would come and he had been waiting on it for 25 years.

He said he can have the case reopened to prove everything is accurate. My grandmother was the cause of my parents divorce. Of course my mom could have put her foot down but she didn't. My grandmother didn't like him because he wasn't white so she did everything she could to stress their relationship and finally she won it over. My dad tried getting his visitation, but every time he came up, my grandmother would call the local sheriff who she was friends with, and lie saying he was trying to kidnap me. He said he would never do such a thing. She kept him from ever seeing me as my mom and I lived with my grandparents for a while after they divorced.

Since that happened, he wanted to be part of my life but didn't want to keep causing trouble, so he hired a private investigator to follow me up until I graduated college. He knew where I went to school, bands I've played in, vacations I've taken, and has pictures of me throughout the years. Kinda creepy, but shows he was a good dad after all. If he wanted to kidnap me like my grandmother lied about, then he could have easily. He wanted to be part of my life in a way. He said his new family celebrates my birthday every year still.

Everything he said makes perfect sense about the way my family is now. It explains a lot. My mother always said she and my grandmother couldn't get along. My dad told me one of their friends who was the pastor of their church at the time, said my grandmother really needed help.

They had my name completely changed because of my grandmother having her maiden last name, wouldn't accept any "imperfections" within the family. We live in a small town where a lot of this is still somewhat present.

He has consulted with the Mayo and Cleveland clinics about how to help my wife with her problems in trying to get pregnant and offered us to come visit as soon as we can. I have a sister and 2 brothers also. I've been talking with my sister for the last week or two.

I haven't told my family yet and not sure I will. Regardless it's been crazy finding out how crazy my family is and how glad I am I contacted him.
Congratulations! Hope the experience continues to be very positive for you.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:36 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,711,325 times
Reputation: 41128
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Wow guys. My life is like a lifetime movie now. I'm very glad I listened to you guys and contacted him. He is now a Professor of Pharmacy and in the United States Congress.

I contacted him and he was overjoyed. He said he knew this day would come and he had been waiting on it for 25 years.

He said he can have the case reopened to prove everything is accurate. My grandmother was the cause of my parents divorce. Of course my mom could have put her foot down but she didn't. My grandmother didn't like him because he wasn't white so she did everything she could to stress their relationship and finally she won it over. My dad tried getting his visitation, but every time he came up, my grandmother would call the local sheriff who she was friends with, and lie saying he was trying to kidnap me. He said he would never do such a thing. She kept him from ever seeing me as my mom and I lived with my grandparents for a while after they divorced.

Since that happened, he wanted to be part of my life but didn't want to keep causing trouble, so he hired a private investigator to follow me up until I graduated college. He knew where I went to school, bands I've played in, vacations I've taken, and has pictures of me throughout the years. Kinda creepy, but shows he was a good dad after all. If he wanted to kidnap me like my grandmother lied about, then he could have easily. He wanted to be part of my life in a way. He said his new family celebrates my birthday every year still.

Everything he said makes perfect sense about the way my family is now. It explains a lot. My mother always said she and my grandmother couldn't get along. My dad told me one of their friends who was the pastor of their church at the time, said my grandmother really needed help.

They had my name completely changed because of my grandmother having her maiden last name, wouldn't accept any "imperfections" within the family. We live in a small town where a lot of this is still somewhat present.

He has consulted with the Mayo and Cleveland clinics about how to help my wife with her problems in trying to get pregnant and offered us to come visit as soon as we can. I have a sister and 2 brothers also. I've been talking with my sister for the last week or two.

I haven't told my family yet and not sure I will. Regardless it's been crazy finding out how crazy my family is and how glad I am I contacted him.
Wow, this is great.

But I most certainly would let my "family" know that you contacted him, and let them know how disappointed you are in the way they have behaved over the years. Is your grandmother still the matriarch of this "family"?
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:41 AM
 
246 posts, read 409,003 times
Reputation: 124
Yes she is. She's in really bad health now though. I'm guessing this is why she bought me any and everything I wanted over the years to make up for what she knew she did
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