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Old 09-02-2014, 11:46 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 40,013,554 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Hi everyone. I'm a 27 year old married male. My parents were divorced when I was 1 year old. I've only seen photos of my father. Apparently it was a bad divorce that ended with my family hating him and him threatening to take me from public school in kindergarten.

I've never thought of him really, just alway left it alone. My wife has been curious since we got married and can't understand me not ever trying to find and talk to him. He's now a well known doctor I see.

I was wondering if I should contact him. My wife and I will soon be trying to have children and she wants to know his side medically. I am just worried about my family finding out and what they will think after me never knowing or asking about him. Thanks guys.

You are 27 years old and you should decide what is best for you, your wife and the rest of your family has no say in this matter.
It is a personal choice and whatever you choose they should be supportive without questions.
If your wife gets upset if you decide not to contact your father tell her there is no guarantee your child will be born perfectly healthy whether you have your Father's medical history or not.

Do not allow anyone to coerce you into contacting your Father if you do not want to.
My oldest Son contacted his biological father when he was around 22, they met spent some time together and my Son wishes he had never contacted his biological father. My Son now completely understands why I divorced his biological father and did not allow contact throughout his childhood.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:47 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,615,205 times
Reputation: 41111
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Yes she is. She's in really bad health now though. I'm guessing this is why she bought me any and everything I wanted over the years to make up for what she knew she did
You are going to be doing some soul-searching for awhile, I would guess. Perhaps see a therapist before contacting your family about it. I know that I would be angry and would have to tell them off, but that's just me.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:56 AM
 
246 posts, read 405,773 times
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I was also told that she wanted me to be aborted because my mom had a tumor while she was pregnant and my grandmother didn't want a baby by him or with something wrong with it in the family.

That makes sense too as my mother had seizures for a long time after I was born. Everything is just lining up now and it's crazy!
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:07 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,615,205 times
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm adopted and my birthmother found me. I remember seeing the pictures of my brothers and sister and going, "So THAT'S where I got it." All my life I have dressed like a redneck, in cowboy boots, jeans, teeshirts, etc., while my parents and brother were all preppy. My daughter, upon seeing the picture of my brother, said, "He looks like Joe Dirt!"

I know that was not the same as this situation, but you will definitely have moments where you can now say, "So THAT'S why I do this," or whatever. It may come as a comfort.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:33 AM
 
1,210 posts, read 1,348,718 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Wow guys. My life is like a lifetime movie now. I'm very glad I listened to you guys and contacted him. He is now a Professor of Pharmacy and in the United States Congress.

I contacted him and he was overjoyed. He said he knew this day would come and he had been waiting on it for 25 years.

He said he can have the case reopened to prove everything is accurate. My grandmother was the cause of my parents divorce. Of course my mom could have put her foot down but she didn't. My grandmother didn't like him because he wasn't white so she did everything she could to stress their relationship and finally she won it over. My dad tried getting his visitation, but every time he came up, my grandmother would call the local sheriff who she was friends with, and lie saying he was trying to kidnap me. He said he would never do such a thing. She kept him from ever seeing me as my mom and I lived with my grandparents for a while after they divorced.

Since that happened, he wanted to be part of my life but didn't want to keep causing trouble, so he hired a private investigator to follow me up until I graduated college. He knew where I went to school, bands I've played in, vacations I've taken, and has pictures of me throughout the years. Kinda creepy, but shows he was a good dad after all. If he wanted to kidnap me like my grandmother lied about, then he could have easily. He wanted to be part of my life in a way. He said his new family celebrates my birthday every year still.

Everything he said makes perfect sense about the way my family is now. It explains a lot. My mother always said she and my grandmother couldn't get along. My dad told me one of their friends who was the pastor of their church at the time, said my grandmother really needed help.

They had my name completely changed because of my grandmother having her maiden last name, wouldn't accept any "imperfections" within the family. We live in a small town where a lot of this is still somewhat present.

He has consulted with the Mayo and Cleveland clinics about how to help my wife with her problems in trying to get pregnant and offered us to come visit as soon as we can. I have a sister and 2 brothers also. I've been talking with my sister for the last week or two.

I haven't told my family yet and not sure I will. Regardless it's been crazy finding out how crazy my family is and how glad I am I contacted him.


Thanks for keeping us posted on your success in finding your father. I am happy that the connection is good for you. Now you know! Enjoy your dad.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:17 AM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,496,882 times
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So happy for you, OP!
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Old 09-06-2014, 07:45 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
Reputation: 26195
Quote:
Originally Posted by aparker2005 View Post
Hi everyone. I'm a 27 year old married male. My parents were divorced when I was 1 year old. I've only seen photos of my father. Apparently it was a bad divorce that ended with my family hating him and him threatening to take me from public school in kindergarten.

I've never thought of him really, just alway left it alone. My wife has been curious since we got married and can't understand me not ever trying to find and talk to him. He's now a well known doctor I see.

I was wondering if I should contact him. My wife and I will soon be trying to have children and she wants to know his side medically. I am just worried about my family finding out and what they will think after me never knowing or asking about him. Thanks guys.
I would contact him. You have very right to know where you came from, especially since you are now wanting to have children.

Prepare yourself for finding out that your Mom and her family have exaggerated things that happened, lots of this happened in the years past, laws were always more geared towards the female regarding child custody.

If you want to know him, now is the time, you are an adult, and you absolutely do not owe an explanation to anyone on your Mom's side about seeking your father.

He likely has been waiting your whole life for you to find him, if your Mom's and his history is as I suspect. I hope it is a wonderful addition to your support system as you move into parenthood. Good luck to you.
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Old 09-06-2014, 07:55 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
Reputation: 26195
OP.....I am so happy for you!! Go with it, you deserve all this happiness and support. Sounds like your Dad is awesome. I'm so sorry that you were deprived of him growing up, that is so sad. But, He is in your life now!! And when you do have babies, what a wonderful GrandPa he sounds like he'll be! And brothers and sister too!! Congrats!!
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 572,439 times
Reputation: 649
I love happy endings like this. It's also only the beginning! I hope you and your father can get on with a good relationship now! I hope your family does accept your decision to contact him, but so much of what happened was in the distant past. You need to focus on what you want to do now. It sounds like your father wants a relationship and it sounds like you do too. Let it happen!

He obviously did want to get to know you. As creepy and stalkery as it sounds to hire a private investigator to watch you throughout your years, it is proof he really wanted to be a part of your life with no other options for contacting you.

I'm so excited for you! Congratulations for making that first step!
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