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Old 08-19-2014, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,065,273 times
Reputation: 7017

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Sounds like you are on the right track OP. I hope that you can keep communicating with each other and work through the issues. The fact that your husband is willing to see and admit to some things is a good sign. Had my first husband been willing to talk and listen we might still be together, though I found someone far more compatible the second time around.

Keep us posted.
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Way Up North
225 posts, read 229,063 times
Reputation: 420
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
Hello, this is the OP. I just wanted to say thank you very much for the out-pouring of advice and support I received from this forum. It was very kind of all of you to listen to my story and take the time to respond. Thank you very much.

I read each and every one of the replies since I posted my original story. For those who have wondered, yes, I did know my husband was close to his family before we married. I am close to my family too! When we were dating, however, much of our time (much like other posters have speculated) was spent doing things out such as going to lunch, movies, the beach, etc. We DID go to both of our parents for dinner every now and then…but not EVERY single weekend or ALL day long. I had no problem going to his parents’ house for dinner…but that was just it, when we were dating it was just dinner and dessert…it was never an all-day-affair. The all-day stuff happened after marriage. Yes, some previous posters are right in that this means a lot of sitting around all day, and also includes setting the table, clearing the table when people are finished, washing/drying dishes and putting them away…but my husband ALWAYS tells me not to do that stuff. (I do it because my MIL expects it from me and my sister-in-law and I don’t want to be ripped apart when I am not there).

As for seeing my family, we do. But, when we visit my parents, it is more of a 2-3 hour thing, not a 1PM-8PM thing. Also, my husband loves my parents, so him wanting to spend time over their house with them is not an issue. Just like it is not an issue of me liking his parents….because I do! I just do not want to be at their house all day long, one day per weekend. [

People think that because we are ‘older’, I saw this as my ‘last shot at marriage’. That is not true. When I met him, I knew he was the man I wanted to be with forever, plain and simple. No one I had ever known before had made me feel the way I do about my husband.

We have spoken since my last post. Well, at first it was another fight. I was actually shaking and afraid that I was going to lose my husband forever after that. Later in the day, he apologized to me. He told me he was sorry for how he has reacted, and how he has been acting. He said he took his ring off in an act of anger and apologized for doing so. Said he would never do that ever again. He also said that he understands where I am coming from regarding how much time we spend with his parents. He knows things need to change. He told me that it became more of a habit that we would just ‘go over there’ on Sundays. He said he does think we need to spend more time together on weekends, just us. I do think he was sincere. He was also visibly upset during the time between our fight and his apology. I do believe him. He also told me that he wants me in his life more than anything.

With all of this said and done, however, I am not going to just let bygones be bygones. I want to see a change. I am not going to just forget this happened. I mean, I am going to continue to love my husband, but I am not going to let this family situation get out of control again…and if I don’t see changes I will let him know! Like I said in an earlier post of mine, FIL’s birthday is on Sunday. We have decided to just go for cake, instead of going for an afternoon visit, dinner and then cake. I want to see if we actually do just go for cake. I believe this is a step in the right direction. It is baby steps, and I am fine with that. Just as long as we are on our way to changing things.

Sorry for the long-winded response. Thank you again, everyone for listening, and for the perspective.[/SIZE]
Congratulations, LemonZinger! I am so happy that you and your husband are working on a compromise. I do hope that his parents understand too. That may be something that you have to talk to them about. You said it so well in your post about how much you love each other's parents. I am sure his parents would not want to see marital problems. Best wishes in working things out with your husband.
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:50 AM
 
92 posts, read 119,012 times
Reputation: 140
Hi, this is the OP. I just wanted to give you all an update. I think progress has been/is being made.

My mother-in-law sent me, my husband, aunt-in-law and the brother and sister-in-laws an e-mail last night. She is having three church masses dedicated to her late mother, her late father, and her late grandmother’s birthdays. She sent us the times and dates which were as follows: Sept. 14th at 7:00 AM, Oct. 5th at 5:00 PM and October 26th at 5:00 PM. (all Sundays). She said that she wanted to do something ‘special’ before or after the 5:00p masses. (I am thinking dinner?)

I told my husband calmly, that I would not be going to the 7:00AM mass since it is too early (for me) and I’d like to sleep in a little, as I have to work the Saturday before. I told him that he was more than welcome to go without me if he wanted to.

I also told him that I would gladly go to both of the 5:00 PM masses…but I would not be celebrating anything afterward. I would drive myself home on those days because it would most likely be after 6:00 PM that we would be leaving the church…too late for a Sunday (for me). If they decide to do something BEFORE, I would definitely be there. I also said that he is more than welcome to go back to his parents house afterward without me if he wants to.

After I calmly said all of this…he agreed with me! I was (and still am) shocked! He agreed that the 7:00 AM mass was too early and we will not be going. He also said doing something after the 5:00 PM masses would get too late, and he will tell his mother we would prefer to do something with everyone before mass, but if she would rather do something afterward, we will just be at the mass and go home after.

I have to say, even though I am shocked, I am also extremely relieved. I was afraid this was going to turn into a big thing about me not wanting to spend time with his family…but it didn’t. He supported what I wanted to do. It feels really good.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice and support I have received since my first posting. It really helped me to work through this situation with my husband. THANK YOU!
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,043 posts, read 8,287,994 times
Reputation: 19267
Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
Hi, this is the OP. I just wanted to give you all an update. I think progress has been/is being made.

My mother-in-law sent me, my husband, aunt-in-law and the brother and sister-in-laws an e-mail last night. She is having three church masses dedicated to her late mother, her late father, and her late grandmother’s birthdays. She sent us the times and dates which were as follows: Sept. 14th at 7:00 AM, Oct. 5th at 5:00 PM and October 26th at 5:00 PM. (all Sundays). She said that she wanted to do something ‘special’ before or after the 5:00p masses. (I am thinking dinner?)

I told my husband calmly, that I would not be going to the 7:00AM mass since it is too early (for me) and I’d like to sleep in a little, as I have to work the Saturday before. I told him that he was more than welcome to go without me if he wanted to.

I also told him that I would gladly go to both of the 5:00 PM masses…but I would not be celebrating anything afterward. I would drive myself home on those days because it would most likely be after 6:00 PM that we would be leaving the church…too late for a Sunday (for me). If they decide to do something BEFORE, I would definitely be there. I also said that he is more than welcome to go back to his parents house afterward without me if he wants to.

After I calmly said all of this…he agreed with me! I was (and still am) shocked! He agreed that the 7:00 AM mass was too early and we will not be going. He also said doing something after the 5:00 PM masses would get too late, and he will tell his mother we would prefer to do something with everyone before mass, but if she would rather do something afterward, we will just be at the mass and go home after.

I have to say, even though I am shocked, I am also extremely relieved. I was afraid this was going to turn into a big thing about me not wanting to spend time with his family…but it didn’t. He supported what I wanted to do. It feels really good.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice and support I have received since my first posting. It really helped me to work through this situation with my husband. THANK YOU!
Great update! It could be that he goes because he's always done so, but is now starting to see, thanks to your taking a stand on the time demands, that maybe he doesn't need (or want) to go all the time. It also helps that you're being reasonable, and drawing boundaries for yourself and not imposing them on him too.
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:26 AM
 
9,741 posts, read 16,885,353 times
Reputation: 18333
It sounds like he has had some time to think and take stock of the situation.
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Old 08-21-2014, 09:35 AM
 
1,728 posts, read 1,325,159 times
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That is a wonderful update. Your husband obviously loves you very much, and I am glad to hear you guys are working it out.
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Old 08-21-2014, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,894 posts, read 17,203,069 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Great update! It could be that he goes because he's always done so, but is now starting to see, thanks to your taking a stand on the time demands, that maybe he doesn't need (or want) to go all the time. It also helps that you're being reasonable, and drawing boundaries for yourself and not imposing them on him too.
Great news!

Liberty summarized it well. Good luck to you.
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Old 08-21-2014, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,869 posts, read 2,706,816 times
Reputation: 5055
My guess is that the husband talked to someone about the situation and that person made him realize his wife wasn't being unreasonable.
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Old 08-21-2014, 04:29 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,894 posts, read 17,203,069 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene View Post
My guess is that the husband talked to someone about the situation and that person made him realize his wife wasn't being unreasonable.
That could be true. He may have been complaining to his best buddy saying, "Wow, my wife is saying that she doesn't want to spend all weekend with my family. It is really getting on my nerves that she is so being rude to my parents!" and the buddy gave him an objective, outsiders point of view and said that the husband was the one being unreasonable.

Or he may have just realized that he did not want to lose his wife.

Whatever the reason, I am so glad that he decided to compromise and spend more time with his wife (and less with his family) on the weekends.
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Old 08-21-2014, 10:24 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,004 posts, read 22,741,002 times
Reputation: 34905
Wow! I just read this thread from beginning to end. I feel like I read an entire novel lol!

I don't know Italian families much, but I do know Mexican families, and someone mentioned Mexican families are similar. They are definitely very much about families, but, the men also take pride in taking care of their wives from my experience and understanding.

My thought was, if you told him he's neglecting his wife, OP, that that would hit home for him. You can say it in a nice, soft way. But, that may hit home with him. It would be about his being a good husband and taking good care of you - as opposed to an argument about how you don't like his family.

It sounds like there is hope for you.

I had a very brief moment of thinking that you might want to talk to his mother, but then I came to my senses lol! I quickly found out my first marriage was a mistake. My husband did the bait and switch. I divorced him after just 2 years, and it was the right decision. He did the bait and switch on his second wife, too, and countless other relationships. He has his courting phase, and when he's comfortable, that's it. It's obviously not worked for him, but that hasn't changed him lol! I'm so glad I didn't stay and waste any more time.

But, my point was going to be that I was at my wits end, asked him to go to counseling and his response was, "Why? I'm happy!" Clue number 1. When I asked his mother what I should do, her being my last hope, and she responded, "I don't see what the problem is. He brings home the bacon and you have a roof over your head, don't you?" I knew then that it was a hopeless situation.

At any rate, if you continue to have problems, you may want to gently say that he's not taking care of his wife. I'd suggest rather than saying it in an accusatory way, you might turn on the tears instead. If he's like the Mexican men I have known, he will want to be the man who keeps his wife happy.

As an aside, I was told by my Mexican friends that chubby wives in the Mexican culture, have historically been assumed to be better satisfied by their husbands than men with skinny wives. Kind of funny, but it goes to show how the culture thinks that husbands should take good care of their wives.
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