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Old 08-14-2014, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,061,570 times
Reputation: 7017

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Time for marriage counseling, the sooner the better and for heaven's sakes don't have children until you can resolve this issue. I could have written the original post with different details but the core issues were the same. For me I married a man that I didn't know well enough too young. His family entered the picture after we were married due to their being out of the states for several years when we first met. They did not come to the wedding.

His deference to their demands, acquiescence to their opinions about everything and the general lack of respect for my wishes and schedule needs like the OP expressed were the first big cracks to show in this relatively short marriage. In order to minimize conflict we became ships passing in the night, (like driving the separate car) each pursuing our own agenda until I put an end to it when he refused to see a marriage counselor.

I have been happily remarried for 23 years and I can say with authority that things unaddressed normally get worse not better over time. If you can't afford counseling (and there are sliding scale clinics) try your pastor. If the counseling "fit" isn't right find one that is. If your DH refuses, what does that say about the future of your relationship? I don't think that this is a simple logistical issue but rather a foundational matter in your marriage.

I wish you well OP.
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Old 08-14-2014, 10:06 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,217 posts, read 7,842,782 times
Reputation: 53125
Can I switch families with you? I'll take them and you can have my husbands family. You have what I've always wanted but will never have. I understand that it can be too much of a good thing but time has a way of passing too quickly and wonderful people are taken away from us way too soon. Enjoy it while you can because some day it may not be there when you want it. You don't mention visiting your family. I wonder how your husband would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You've only been married a year and that's only time enough to begin settling in. There will be times in the future when you will send your husband to visit his family alone and you can have some "me time." Right now you're in the I can't stand to be without him for one minute honeymoon phase. This too shall pass. Until it does you will have to respect the fact that this is your husbands family dynamic that you will either learn to take it or leave it. I learned about a year into our nearly 30 year marriage to "leave it" when it came to my in-laws. That family dynamic was a tad too much for me. I hope you become really close to your in-laws as you integrate into their lives. It could be a really beautiful thing with a little time and patience.
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Old 08-14-2014, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,741,157 times
Reputation: 4036
Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
Time for marriage counseling, the sooner the better and for heaven's sakes don't have children until you can resolve this issue. I could have written the original post with different details but the core issues were the same. For me I married a man that I didn't know well enough too young. His family entered the picture after we were married due to their being out of the states for several years when we first met. They did not come to the wedding.

His deference to their demands, acquiescence to their opinions about everything and the general lack of respect for my wishes and schedule needs like the OP expressed were the first big cracks to show in this relatively short marriage. In order to minimize conflict we became ships passing in the night, (like driving the separate car) each pursuing our own agenda until I put an end to it when he refused to see a marriage counselor.

I have been happily remarried for 23 years and I can say with authority that things unaddressed normally get worse not better over time. If you can't afford counseling (and there are sliding scale clinics) try your pastor. If the counseling "fit" isn't right find one that is. If your DH refuses, what does that say about the future of your relationship? I don't think that this is a simple logistical issue but rather a foundational matter in your marriage.

I wish you well OP.
I agree with AK-Cathy. Especially on the two bolded lines. In-law issues are often more complicated than they initially seem. For example, my husband is afraid of his own mother. She stayed with us 2 to 3 nights a week for nearly 2 years, something both of us hated, because he was too worried about hurting her feelings to talk to her. I'd be lying if I said divorce didn't enter my mind. Luckily his family lives out of state and now that she's retired we don't see them very often.

I don't know why so many people in general have no sense of boundaries, but it is a huge problem for me. Those 2 years with my MIL caused a lot of resentment that I'm not sure I will ever be able to totally let go of. I can put up with my in-laws, but if I saw them weekly I would definitely go crazy. One the resentment has developed it is hard to get rid of.
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Old 08-14-2014, 11:03 AM
 
5,829 posts, read 5,660,792 times
Reputation: 5142
LemonZinger - its ok for you to stay home. its ok for your husband to go over. It is not fair for your mother in law to dictate what you both do in your marriage. so if you need to stay home just let husband go over there, and you always go in your own car so you can leave when you need to. I think you are being reasonable and you need a break. Relaxing is important, and so its not just sitting around, you need it - everyone does! so when hubby wants to go, continue to do what you are doing, and just be pleasant and tell your husband something like "hey hon, I'm sorry I wont be going to your mom's house, I want to stay here, but have fun - see ya when you get back" and then enjoy. Maybe even be doing dishes or wiping something while doing it and continue wiping/washing as if its just any other thing you want ot say to him.
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Old 08-14-2014, 02:47 PM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,282,354 times
Reputation: 3468
I would set a reasonable limit for yourself and stick to it.

When my kids were small everything my MIL did drove me crazy. I felt like I wanted to please her, I looked up to her as the grown up (my husband and I were teens when we started dating). It ended up causing a lot of strife between us because it became competitive. I felt posessive of my kids, she felt possesive of my husband, and it was a pretty typical MIL/DIL situation.

As I got older and more mature, I learned the art of saying NO. It may have annoyed MIL at first, but our relationship is totally cool now. The resentment and struggling is gone, and I can actually enjoy her company now when we're together because there isn't that competitive spirit there. I feel comfortable setting limits, and she does too. And that gives a mutual sense of respect.

My best advice to you is to not worry too much about what your inlaws think. You deserve to enjoy your weekends, and your husband should be understanding of that. I think you need to decide how much time you're willing to give to them. How about Sunday dinners? Let your husband go early and stay all day, and you can meet up with them for dinner. They don't have to like your choices, but they do have to respect them. I find setting limits early on is one of the best things you can do to keep interfamily relationships civil. Everyone has to feel like they're winning a little, kwim?
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Midwestern U.S.
372 posts, read 187,518 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
A lot of my weekends consist of cleaning the house, doing laundry, ironing clothes, running errands. So when these things are all done, I just want to sit down, put my feet up and relax…not run over to my in-laws’ house for the rest of the day and into the night!

I suspect I know part of the problem, and am surprised no one else has mentioned it. Your husband isn't pulling his weight at home. That is, YOUR home, which should be his first priority as a married man; Mom and Dad's home now comes second. Since you both work outside the home, if he is not, ideally, doing half the housework, he's not a modern, grown-up man. It was all fun and games when he was living with Mom and she was cooking and cleaning for him. But to expect that pampered state to continue with you, AND expect you to devote a whole day to his pre-marriage routine, is not fair. Sounds like your marriage is all about him, and not all about a loving partnership.

I think your real problem is that Momma's boy has yet to grow up. When he does, he will be the one to plan fun things for the two of you on occasional weekends, and put his foot down on the things that infringe on his life with his wife.

Never mind MIL. You and your husband need to sit down and talk, and hash out what expectations each of you has for marriage. The two of you have to be in agreement before anything will change with others.
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,858 posts, read 17,163,830 times
Reputation: 40677
Quote:
Originally Posted by coyote lite View Post
I suspect I know part of the problem, and am surprised no one else has mentioned it. Your husband isn't pulling his weight at home. That is, YOUR home, which should be his first priority as a married man; Mom and Dad's home now comes second. Since you both work outside the home, if he is not, ideally, doing half the housework, he's not a modern, grown-up man. It was all fun and games when he was living with Mom and she was cooking and cleaning for him. But to expect that pampered state to continue with you, AND expect you to devote a whole day to his pre-marriage routine, is not fair. Sounds like your marriage is all about him, and not all about a loving partnership.

I think your real problem is that Momma's boy has yet to grow up. When he does, he will be the one to plan fun things for the two of you on occasional weekends, and put his foot down on the things that infringe on his life with his wife.

Never mind MIL. You and your husband need to sit down and talk, and hash out what expectations each of you has for marriage. The two of you have to be in agreement before anything will change with others.
Great post.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:48 PM
 
298 posts, read 473,781 times
Reputation: 461
OP, I feel for you. When we first got married we were still living in NJ, around 10-15 minutes away from both sets of parents. He comes from an Italian/Irish family, and if I recall we were going over his parents EVERY Sunday for most of the day, and that drove me up a wall. If we ever visited my parents it was only for an hour or two (I think my husband felt awkward around my dad b/c my father doesn't watch or care about sports, whereas my husband does, and felt that they had nothing in common to discuss.) Something must have happened between my husband and his parents, b/c all of a sudden, we stopped going to his parents. For several weeks. I didn't question it, I just was happy to have some freedom! Once we finally went back there, one of the first things his mother did was state how many weeks it's been since he's seen his mother. OY I just wanted to smack her!

Fortunately for us (but unfortunate in your situation), we moved to FL, and those weekends were no longer. (Funny though, he put off telling his parents we were moving until just a couple of weeks before - it was like he didn't want them giving him a guilt trip, for months, about moving so far away. Which of course was awkward because my family knew months in advance, but his family thought it happened really quickly. And I had to keep my mouth shut around them, for fear I would spill the news.)

Put your foot down, tell your husband you need to create a new family time - YOUR family time, which means his family will have to learn to adjust. They have to accept boundaries, in that YOU should be first in his life, NOT his parents. That's one of the first things I learned, and my husband finally learned, about being married.
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Old 08-16-2014, 10:12 AM
 
92 posts, read 118,803 times
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Hello, this is the OP. I really want to say thank you to everyone that took time to respond to this posting. It feels good to know that I can talk about this situation in an unbiased way. Thank you everyone.

Also, Coyote Lite...I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. Thank you for your insight.

An update: My husband and I got into a fight over this. We have not spoken in 3 days. He is giving me the silent treatment, and this morning took his wedding ring off. I haven't been able to sleep in days, and he has been sleeping downstairs for the past 3 nights.

Also, he does not listen when I try to bring this up. If I mention ANY kind of criticism...not sure if that is the right word in this situation...but if I say anything 'against' his family or their 'ways' he immediately shuts down and says I do not like them. But that is just it, I DO like them...I just want some space. I am feeling smothered by them. He doesn't listen to anything I say, he just says over and over again that I have a problem with his family...when in reality I don't! I just want them to respect that the family dynamic where he is concerned has changed...it is him and I as a family unit now and they are not getting that. I am not saying to NEVER see them, I just want some space!

For example, today they are getting together for dinner, next Saturday is a BBQ with a family friend that MIL and FIL, SIL and BIL are going to be at, then the very next day (Sunday) is FIL's birthday...so we have to be at MIL's house for dinner and cake. The very next next Saturday (Labor Day weekend, the 30th) is another family-friend BBQ with FIL, MIL and Aunt & Uncle IL in attendance...then 2 days later on Labor day (Monday, the 1st) it is MIL's birthday and we have to be at her house for dinner and cake. Then, in 2 weekends from then it will be Aunt in law's birthday and we have to be over there to have cake with her! I just don't want this for the rest of my life!!!!! For me, it is TOO MUCH!!!

I haven't even touched on how often my husband is given jobs to do around the house and yard for my Mother and Father in law...but that is for another post. He does them glady though.

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be posting on here that we are filing for a divorce. I do not want this, as I love my husband very much. My problem is that he cannot be a Mama's Boy and a husband. It is one or the other and he does not want to understand that. I am truly at a loss and very stressed and anxious over this. He honestly does not see anything wrong with how things currently are. This really breaks my heart.

Again, thanks for listening. I really wanted to say thank you for the advice.
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Old 08-16-2014, 10:17 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 39,943,702 times
Reputation: 62020
Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
Hello, this is the OP. I really want to say thank you to everyone that took time to respond to this posting. It feels good to know that I can talk about this situation in an unbiased way. Thank you everyone.

Also, Coyote Lite...I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. Thank you for your insight.

An update: My husband and I got into a fight over this. We have not spoken in 3 days. He is giving me the silent treatment, and this morning took his wedding ring off. I haven't been able to sleep in days, and he has been sleeping downstairs for the past 3 nights.

Also, he does not listen when I try to bring this up. If I mention ANY kind of criticism...not sure if that is the right word in this situation...but if I say anything 'against' his family or their 'ways' he immediately shuts down and says I do not like them. But that is just it, I DO like them...I just want some space. I am feeling smothered by them. He doesn't listen to anything I say, he just says over and over again that I have a problem with his family...when in reality I don't! I just want them to respect that the family dynamic where he is concerned has changed...it is him and I as a family unit now and they are not getting that. I am not saying to NEVER see them, I just want some space!

For example, today they are getting together for dinner, next Saturday is a BBQ with a family friend that MIL and FIL, SIL and BIL are going to be at, then the very next day (Sunday) is FIL's birthday...so we have to be at MIL's house for dinner and cake. The very next next Saturday (Labor Day weekend, the 30th) is another family-friend BBQ with FIL, MIL and Aunt & Uncle IL in attendance...then 2 days later on Labor day (Monday, the 1st) it is MIL's birthday and we have to be at her house for dinner and cake. Then, in 2 weekends from then it will be Aunt in law's birthday and we have to be over there to have cake with her! I just don't want this for the rest of my life!!!!! For me, it is TOO MUCH!!!

I haven't even touched on how often my husband is given jobs to do around the house and yard for my Mother and Father in law...but that is for another post. He does them glady though.

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be posting on here that we are filing for a divorce. I do not want this, as I love my husband very much. My problem is that he cannot be a Mama's Boy and a husband. It is one or the other and he does not want to understand that. I am truly at a loss and very stressed and anxious over this. He honestly does not see anything wrong with how things currently are. This really breaks my heart.

Again, thanks for listening. I really wanted to say thank you for the advice.
That is the moment me and my stuff or him and his stuff would be out the door and moving down the road.

I don't care how bad the fight is, once the wedding ring comes off I am done, it is over and I don't look back.
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