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Old 08-16-2014, 10:47 AM
 
7,361 posts, read 13,177,847 times
Reputation: 8919

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
Hello, this is the OP. I really want to say thank you to everyone that took time to respond to this posting. It feels good to know that I can talk about this situation in an unbiased way. Thank you everyone.

Also, Coyote Lite...I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. Thank you for your insight.

An update: My husband and I got into a fight over this. We have not spoken in 3 days. He is giving me the silent treatment, and this morning took his wedding ring off. I haven't been able to sleep in days, and he has been sleeping downstairs for the past 3 nights.

Also, he does not listen when I try to bring this up. If I mention ANY kind of criticism...not sure if that is the right word in this situation...but if I say anything 'against' his family or their 'ways' he immediately shuts down and says I do not like them. But that is just it, I DO like them...I just want some space. I am feeling smothered by them. He doesn't listen to anything I say, he just says over and over again that I have a problem with his family...when in reality I don't! I just want them to respect that the family dynamic where he is concerned has changed...it is him and I as a family unit now and they are not getting that. I am not saying to NEVER see them, I just want some space!

For example, today they are getting together for dinner, next Saturday is a BBQ with a family friend that MIL and FIL, SIL and BIL are going to be at, then the very next day (Sunday) is FIL's birthday...so we have to be at MIL's house for dinner and cake. The very next next Saturday (Labor Day weekend, the 30th) is another family-friend BBQ with FIL, MIL and Aunt & Uncle IL in attendance...then 2 days later on Labor day (Monday, the 1st) it is MIL's birthday and we have to be at her house for dinner and cake. Then, in 2 weekends from then it will be Aunt in law's birthday and we have to be over there to have cake with her! I just don't want this for the rest of my life!!!!! For me, it is TOO MUCH!!!

I haven't even touched on how often my husband is given jobs to do around the house and yard for my Mother and Father in law...but that is for another post. He does them glady though.

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be posting on here that we are filing for a divorce. I do not want this, as I love my husband very much. My problem is that he cannot be a Mama's Boy and a husband. It is one or the other and he does not want to understand that. I am truly at a loss and very stressed and anxious over this. He honestly does not see anything wrong with how things currently are. This really breaks my heart.

Again, thanks for listening. I really wanted to say thank you for the advice.
I'm sorry that you're going through this and understand your anxiety. He's trying to coerce you into accepting status quo and that's sad that he's willing to go this far. At least there are no children to suffer through this.
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Old 08-16-2014, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,181,757 times
Reputation: 4555
For the people who are saying he needs to grow up and who feel this is out of the ordinary, I don't think it has anything to do with him not being a grown-up and it's not unusual at all among Italian families (or Hispanic families or in some other cultures as well). Families are simply much closer in those cultures. With that being said, OP, you likely come from a different culture and don't have the same views on family. There is nothing wrong with that, but I also don't think there is there anything wrong with his view. However, these differing views may mean you're simply not compatible.

I would also suggest that there's no reason you can't have some time apart, say, every other Sunday. A solution might be that you simply go with him only every other time. Also, to compare apples to apples, you should be able to expect that he spend as much time with your family as you spend with his. However, if he prefers to spend time around a larger group rather than just the two of you and you prefer the opposite, that's a difference that could go beyond cultural differences or anything having to do with family relationships.
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Old 08-16-2014, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
(snip)

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be posting on here that we are filing for a divorce. I do not want this, as I love my husband very much. My problem is that he cannot be a Mama's Boy and a husband. It is one or the other and he does not want to understand that. I am truly at a loss and very stressed and anxious over this. He honestly does not see anything wrong with how things currently are. This really breaks my heart.

Again, thanks for listening. I really wanted to say thank you for the advice.
I am sorry that this is happening to you.

I think that the most telling sentence is that he doesn't see anything wrong with what is happening now and can not even imagine your point of view. It would be one thing if he reluctantly agreed that the two of you spend a lot of time with his family and a very limited amount of time alone as a couple or with your family on weekends. But, I suspect that he would never, ever see it---even if you turn it into a multi-colored pie chart. (I'm just joking about the pie chart, but you get my point).

Please do not do anything hasty that may effect you in the long run (such as move out). Perhaps, even visit a divorce attorney, just in case, to know how to protect yourself. Many attorneys have a free initial consultation.

Good luck to you.
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Old 08-16-2014, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok View Post
For the people who are saying he needs to grow up and who feel this is out of the ordinary, I don't think it has anything to do with him not being a grown-up and it's not unusual at all among Italian families (or Hispanic families or in some other cultures as well). Families are simply much closer in those cultures. With that being said, OP, you likely come from a different culture and don't have the same views on family. There is nothing wrong with that, but I also don't think there is there anything wrong with his view. However, these differing views may mean you're simply not compatible.

I would also suggest that there's no reason you can't have some time apart, say, every other Sunday. A solution might be that you simply go with him only every other time. Also, to compare apples to apples, you should be able to expect that he spend as much time with your family as you spend with his. However, if he prefers to spend time around a larger group rather than just the two of you and you prefer the opposite, that's a difference that could go beyond cultural differences or anything having to do with family relationships.
Good points.

Do you think that your husband would be able to accept that compromise? You only going with him every other weekend AND that he spends the same amount of time with your family as with his family. You may want to talk about "time" rather than "events" as I could picture him counting Saturday from 10 AM to 8 PM with his family the same as Sunday dinner from Noon to 1:30 PM with your family as equal "events".
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Old 08-16-2014, 02:25 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,984,374 times
Reputation: 32387
Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonZinger321 View Post
Hello, this is the OP. I really want to say thank you to everyone that took time to respond to this posting. It feels good to know that I can talk about this situation in an unbiased way. Thank you everyone.

Also, Coyote Lite...I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. Thank you for your insight.

An update: My husband and I got into a fight over this. We have not spoken in 3 days. He is giving me the silent treatment, and this morning took his wedding ring off. I haven't been able to sleep in days, and he has been sleeping downstairs for the past 3 nights.

Also, he does not listen when I try to bring this up. If I mention ANY kind of criticism...not sure if that is the right word in this situation...but if I say anything 'against' his family or their 'ways' he immediately shuts down and says I do not like them. But that is just it, I DO like them...I just want some space. I am feeling smothered by them. He doesn't listen to anything I say, he just says over and over again that I have a problem with his family...when in reality I don't! I just want them to respect that the family dynamic where he is concerned has changed...it is him and I as a family unit now and they are not getting that. I am not saying to NEVER see them, I just want some space!

For example, today they are getting together for dinner, next Saturday is a BBQ with a family friend that MIL and FIL, SIL and BIL are going to be at, then the very next day (Sunday) is FIL's birthday...so we have to be at MIL's house for dinner and cake. The very next next Saturday (Labor Day weekend, the 30th) is another family-friend BBQ with FIL, MIL and Aunt & Uncle IL in attendance...then 2 days later on Labor day (Monday, the 1st) it is MIL's birthday and we have to be at her house for dinner and cake. Then, in 2 weekends from then it will be Aunt in law's birthday and we have to be over there to have cake with her! I just don't want this for the rest of my life!!!!! For me, it is TOO MUCH!!!

I haven't even touched on how often my husband is given jobs to do around the house and yard for my Mother and Father in law...but that is for another post. He does them glady though.

Anyway, I have a feeling I will be posting on here that we are filing for a divorce. I do not want this, as I love my husband very much. My problem is that he cannot be a Mama's Boy and a husband. It is one or the other and he does not want to understand that. I am truly at a loss and very stressed and anxious over this. He honestly does not see anything wrong with how things currently are. This really breaks my heart.

Again, thanks for listening. I really wanted to say thank you for the advice.
I am very sorry you are going through this.
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Old 08-16-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 14,181,757 times
Reputation: 4555
I forgot to mention this in my last post - IMO, him taking off his wedding ring takes the situation to a very different level. That's something that you really need to think about and, assuming you try and make things work, talk to him about. But it's definitely a huge red flag.
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Old 08-16-2014, 02:47 PM
 
Location: CO
2,455 posts, read 2,610,794 times
Reputation: 5190
Wow, this has turned into a divorce situation? When you argued about it did you bring up the compromises many here have suggested? Regardless, just know that the way he is acting now is going to be the way he resolves all marital difficulties in the future. Something to think about.
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Old 08-16-2014, 04:05 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,984,374 times
Reputation: 32387
OP, I hope you and your husband will go to therapy together to discuss this before you split up. I guarantee you the therapist will suggest some kind of compromise. If that isn't good enough for you both, then maybe splitting is for the best. Please try first, though.
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Old 08-16-2014, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
OP, I hope you and your husband will go to therapy together to discuss this before you split up. I guarantee you the therapist will suggest some kind of compromise. If that isn't good enough for you both, then maybe splitting is for the best. Please try first, though.
I agree that going to therapy before jumping right into divorce is a good plan.

One word of caution, please select a neutral marriage counselor (not someone that his family recommends or his family priest or his cousin) so that you are reasonably sure of unbiased opinions and suggestions.

It is almost certain that the counselor will suggest some type of compromise. If your husband will not consider changing anything at all to help keep you together then staying married might not be best in the long run. Or if he completely refuses to see a marriage counselor with you, that tells you something as well.

Good luck.
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Old 08-16-2014, 05:26 PM
 
5,281 posts, read 2,284,046 times
Reputation: 14682
So sorry you are going through this...the only positive thing I guess is you know this now, before you had children...because that would bring this to an insane level of craziness. Trust me.
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