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Old 08-13-2014, 08:07 PM
 
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My dad is also 83, so I kind of have had some similar experiences. My father however has always been a diagnosed narcissist and hasn't changed THAT much. But I do see him picking fights more and embracing hedonism to a certain degree. Some old people get more down to earth and mellow out, and some just get ornery. With regard to my father, his overall attitude is

I'm looking at a situation where it is highly likely my father will come live with me in the next year or so, though he'd say not a chance. I'm potentially looking at a great deal of chaos in my life, let's just say.

In any case, this is my advice: Distance yourself emotionally. Your dad is going through something, whether it's a change of perspective or a medical event. If it's the former, there's not much you can do about it but respect his boundaries. If it's the latter, well, again there's not much you can do about it but observe and encourage him to see a doctor.

So don't engage when your dad gets obstreperous. Back off when he gets defensive. Politely get off the phone when his mood changes, even if you want to argue. When stuff turns negative, step away. Try not to take it personally - this is not about you.

And as Jukes asked, why are these neighbors so appealing to him? Do you have their contact info?
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Old 08-13-2014, 11:06 PM
 
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Not sure what to say.

Hang in there and I hope things work out for you.

Maybe try a more passive approach. If he's changing and you have almost 50 years of history with a certain approach towards him, maybe try to just try a completely new approach?
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Old 08-14-2014, 01:55 AM
 
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well some good advise and I am already doing the separation of emotional feelings. When he went to the funeral and introduced the neighbors and kids as his new family and lied and did not call his own family that was the breaking point for me. Nothing he can do can hurt me anymore like that blow. Now as far as the neighbors to be honest, I talked to them, met the wife and like them. I believe my Father goes over there and acts like the big shot. Pays for the dinners , small gifts and gets some dopamine release on being the big shot. Its ok, im not talking money here this is not an issue.

He did call and just ignored the crap the happened and always happens when he picks the fights with me. Yes it seem over the phone we can manage to fake it for a few minutes. That's basically how things are gonna be. Thanks so much. Im just kind of morning my father at this point. A lot of these issues really are me in the fact that I kind of always tried so hard for him to love me. That bad nothing I ever do is good enough syndrome. So this is forcing me to grow up at age 47!! I will spread and love , dump the negative and honestly things will never be the same. I see our relationship so different now. Marilyn
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Old 08-14-2014, 01:57 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wannagonorth View Post
My question is: Why do you need him to "balance it a bit"? What are you seeking from him? What's stopping you from stepping back and letting him engage with you when and as he wants to?
I have problem with this for some reason. I cant seem to let go. I clearly see that I have this Love me syndrome and seek the love that I will never get. so your right. I am forced to grow up!!
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Old 08-14-2014, 02:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
Wow, this is sad. How well do you know these neighbors, stevemorse? If this were my father, I would have asked the neighbors a long time ago, "Is he bothering you?" assuming a young couple wouldn't want to adopt this old guy who just happens to live near them. Does he have money they think they could get? IS he paying for stuff for them?

That story about him not telling you your aunt died and them taking him to the funeral is just plain weird. Do you you suppose THEY think you've dumped Dad and they are being nice to him thinking he doesn't have anybody else? Have you communicated with them privately at all?
well this is some of the issue here. However my father goes over there like Tony Soprano! So its really him . Yes he has money and is a good target for free dinners and small gifts. However there is nothing I can do. I have access to his account and don't see anything too unusually yet. However he does have his mind most of the time and he need what he has to live off of. WHen we discussed this , he does seem to have good balance and insight to his financials. I don't think they are conning him for money, I think my father throws dinners and gifts (small) to get love! MY father can spend his money on his friends, I have no problem with that, in fact I wish he would spend more of his money!!!! He is a depression era kid and has extreme trouble spending big money!
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by stevemorse View Post
I have problem with this for some reason. I cant seem to let go. I clearly see that I have this Love me syndrome and seek the love that I will never get. so your right. I am forced to grow up!!
There is nothing about growing up that says alienation from your father. Those who expect you to forget it make me wonder about their own relationships with their fathers and how they'd feel being totally rejected by them. But the fact he calls you speaks volumes.

I read the book Father Hunger to understand my son's behavior in relation to his father. Besides that I learned is how the loss of my dad at 2 affected me and how my mother's mean-as-a-snake father effected her. It was an eye opener. I'll never disregard the effect of fathers on the lives of their children. They are so important. I hope you'll pick up a copy!
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Old 08-14-2014, 09:41 AM
 
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At 83, your father might be experiencing dementia. The best way I can describe it is it seems like they forget a decade at a time.

He might still be able to deal with his financial matters just fine, as that is something he learned decades ago, but recent things are more frustrating for him. It is easier to begin a "family" relationship with the neighbors as there isn't so much stuff he has to remember.

Read up on vascular dementia and see if any of it fits.
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Old 08-14-2014, 11:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
At 83, your father might be experiencing dementia. The best way I can describe it is it seems like they forget a decade at a time.

He might still be able to deal with his financial matters just fine, as that is something he learned decades ago, but recent things are more frustrating for him. It is easier to begin a "family" relationship with the neighbors as there isn't so much stuff he has to remember.

Read up on vascular dementia and see if any of it fits.
thanks I am !! Thanks to both of you above.
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Old 08-14-2014, 11:13 AM
 
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So, he is being a 16 year old. Seeee, that's what people do. Live long enough to be a pain to your kids.
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Old 08-14-2014, 04:40 PM
 
Location: sumter
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Maybe its tough for him to say goodbye. At 83, maybe he thinks he can go at anytime and how hard it is for him thinking about leaving the people he love so much. So, he is pulling away from the people he really love because he hates being reminded of this everyday. Also, maybe the doctor told him something about his health that you don't know about. A good friend of mine told me that her father pulled away from her near the end of his life, that's my reason for thinking along these lines. Best of luck and hope things work out.
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