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This guy I was friends with for a few years suddenly seems to have shut me out of his life for no reason that I am aware of. We never actually dated or anything throughout our friendship- I waited a bit when we were hanging out to see if something might move further with our friendship but he seemed to never make Any moves or anything. He would make Comments and things towards me that were flirtatious and that's what always kept me thinking he may want to be more than friends but than nothing. He would say things like, I love you Vanessa, I really do, stuff like that. He would say I was beautiful, and that my future husband is so lucky, things like that. I always had to reach out to him and he would never imitate any contact ( is the way it seemed) after about two years of this up and down stuff, I moved on with another guy and another year later I married my husband. He doesn't know this guy very well but that's because I could not get any time for all of us to get together. We had gone periods without taking before and everything was still pretty normal and now it seems like since I got married ( the only thing that has changed), he barely communicates at all with me, and it was just so unlike him. We are happy now but anytime anyone ever asked me how this person is or have we talked I say, you know not really And it seems that anytime I talk to him he is very short with me, not the same, if he sees me out somewhere he literally avoids me it seems.
My feelings are kind of hurt now because it seems like he is done with our whole friendship totally out of the blue...No goodbye, No explanation, No nothing?? , I don't contact him to go out or anything, there are times I just check in to see how life is going, see how family is, stuff like that. Our friendship started at school and we would talk about that all the time and now when I bring up how I am doing, he has just become totally cold....and it was with no real warning. I feel like I did something but don't know what it is. I am afraid to ask and make it worse...should I just forget everything, and never talk to him again?
Maybe he was more attached to you, maybe he wasn't.
My experience is that male friends are often more likely to step back when you have a serious relationship, because it can be awkward and feel to the male friend like he is horning in (particularly if he doesn't have a significant other, himself).
I have a very good male friend, we became friends in college, and were never anything more than friends. Our adult friendship has lasted the 20 years since we started college, through living near and far from one another, but it has ebbed and flowed in its intensity, and in how frequently we communicate. I have noticed that when either of us was in a serious relationship, our contact was less frequent and intense. Since my marriage (which coincided with a large-scale move and professional starting over on his part, timing-wise), we communicate less frequently, but I attribute that as much to his starting over in a new part of the country at a new job following the end of a serious relationship of his own, etc., and don't attribute it to my having gotten married. He and my husband have spent time together, he even had Thanksgiving dinner with us and our families on his way out of town when he was moving. They get along well. We are just in one of those phases where we are a less obvious presence in one another's lives. I don't sweat it, because we've been here, before, and we always stay friends. I imagine we will always be friends.
You DID do something. You got married. Your old friend apparently respects that. I'd also guess, from what you've written, that he had feelings for you that went past mere friendship.
This guy I was friends with for a few years suddenly seems to have shut me out of his life for no reason that I am aware of. We never actually dated or anything throughout our friendship- I waited a bit when we were hanging out to see if something might move further with our friendship but he seemed to never make Any moves or anything. He would make Comments and things towards me that were flirtatious and that's what always kept me thinking he may want to be more than friends but than nothing. He would say things like, I love you Vanessa, I really do, stuff like that. He would say I was beautiful, and that my future husband is so lucky, things like that. I always had to reach out to him and he would never imitate any contact ( is the way it seemed) after about two years of this up and down stuff, I moved on with another guy and another year later I married my husband. He doesn't know this guy very well but that's because I could not get any time for all of us to get together. We had gone periods without taking before and everything was still pretty normal and now it seems like since I got married ( the only thing that has changed), he barely communicates at all with me, and it was just so unlike him. We are happy now but anytime anyone ever asked me how this person is or have we talked I say, you know not really And it seems that anytime I talk to him he is very short with me, not the same, if he sees me out somewhere he literally avoids me it seems.
My feelings are kind of hurt now because it seems like he is done with our whole friendship totally out of the blue...No goodbye, No explanation, No nothing?? , I don't contact him to go out or anything, there are times I just check in to see how life is going, see how family is, stuff like that. Our friendship started at school and we would talk about that all the time and now when I bring up how I am doing, he has just become totally cold....and it was with no real warning. I feel like I did something but don't know what it is. I am afraid to ask and make it worse...should I just forget everything, and never talk to him again?
There is a reason why your male friend has distanced himself from you.
But... considering the fact that he flirted with you and told you that he loves you, the two of you were much more than friends.
I get the impression that he had feelings for you, but you did not reciprocate.
Now that you are married, I feel that it would not be a good idea for you to resume your friendship with him considering the fact that he may have had feelings for you. That very well could cause problems in your marriage. Wait for him to contact you if he chooses to. Do not contact him.
+1. You are a married woman now, although your post sound like it came from a teenager. Forget about friendships with other men and concentrate on your marriage.
+1. You are a married woman now, although your post sounds like it came from a teenager. Forget about friendships with other men and concentrate on your marriage.
Considering that the OP and her male friend met in college 20 years ago, I am surprised that she writes like a teenager.
As for developing friendships with other men, I agree. This is why...
I work as a porter for a parking company.
I am responsible for cleaning two garages. Both garages have contract parking. One of the parking garages I am responsible for cleaning only has contract parking. The other garage has visitor and contract parking.
Several weeks ago while I was working at the garage that has visitor and contract parking, a male customer, who has contract parking, introduced himself to me while the two of us were in the elevator. I was collecting the trash from each floor. So I use the elevator to go from floor to floor. He told me that he sees me in the elevator on a weekly basis, but I do not say much. I made small talk with him. That is how far I will go.
A couple of weeks later he sees me in the elevator. He says hi. I say hi. He makes small talk. I make small talk. I am doing the same job... collecting the trash.
A couple of weeks later he sees me while entering the garage in the morning. He waves at me. I wave back.
Then earlier this week he sees me in the elevator again. This time he wants to go beyond small talk. He tells me 1) I am quiet, 2) I do not go beyond on the usual small talk, 3) he has decided to make me his project and get me to up on more to him.
I am married.
I am at work doing my job. Just because he is a contract parker that does not give him personal access to the female porter at the parking garage he parks at.
Since he has not gotten the message, I will have to make it clear to him that I am married, and no, I do not want to be his project.
This guy I was friends with for a few years suddenly seems to have shut me out of his life for no reason that I am aware of. We never actually dated or anything throughout our friendship- I waited a bit when we were hanging out to see if something might move further with our friendship but he seemed to never make Any moves or anything. He would make Comments and things towards me that were flirtatious and that's what always kept me thinking he may want to be more than friends but than nothing. He would say things like, I love you Vanessa, I really do, stuff like that. He would say I was beautiful, and that my future husband is so lucky, things like that. I always had to reach out to him and he would never imitate any contact ( is the way it seemed) after about two years of this up and down stuff, I moved on with another guy and another year later I married my husband. He doesn't know this guy very well but that's because I could not get any time for all of us to get together. We had gone periods without taking before and everything was still pretty normal and now it seems like since I got married ( the only thing that has changed), he barely communicates at all with me, and it was just so unlike him. We are happy now but anytime anyone ever asked me how this person is or have we talked I say, you know not really And it seems that anytime I talk to him he is very short with me, not the same, if he sees me out somewhere he literally avoids me it seems.
I can understand this, there are guys who do that, yes every is different but then by and large most guys like this as far dealing with feelings and emotions are concerned. The way you have put this it seems that he certainly liked you a lot, more than friends. It seems he did have strong feelings for you, who knows may be even loved you deeply. I think he saw you as a potential partner. I am sure he wanted to be with you. Although yes it is strange that he didn't make any attempt or any moves on you, now there could be plenty of reasons for this as well.
1. Fear of rejection which almost all men have no matter what type of men they are.
2. May he was of shy type of guy. Shy type of men don't make moves easily, it takes a long time for them to even try something small. I would say that where he lost it, may he not sure himself but then that's the problem with shy type of guys. I am not sure but this could be one reason.
Hence as I said, I am sure that he did have strong feelings for you, but then he realized that now you are with someone else, also you are married now. He knows that it's too late and now that it is practically impossible that there is any chance now for him. What's good about him is at least he is not coming in between your marriage and not causing any trouble, which is a very good thing. You have to thankful that you had such a person in your life. He seems to be a good person, sensible and a understanding person as well.
Now, don't misunderstand this but I would say he was right and he is doing the right thing now, being a guy myself I can understand this. I know it seems harsh towards you, but you must know and understand that men and women are different the way they deal with emotions/feelings are different. In my view men don't like to deal with emotions and feelings. Hence it is easier for him to avoid you, to pretend that you don't exist, in that way the pain will be a lot easier to bear. For a man it is very difficult, almost impossible to be friends with a woman he once loved, or the one he still loves.The same thing is true for him, may be he still loves you, so he can't and doesn't want to be your friend anymore because if he does then he will never forget you, his feelings for you will never go away and that's what he doesn't want.
It makes sense that he doesn't want you in his life and also he doesn't want to be in your life anymore ,even as a friend or an acquaintance because he wants to move on to other things and forget about you, which only seems fair to me. He doesn't want to have any contact with you anymore.
Hence in my view, men don't like to deal with feelings, women are much better at that.May be a women can still be friends with a guy she once loved but the same thing doesn't hold true for men. In fact men can't and can never be friends with a woman they love and certainly not if the woman like someone else or is married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vanessa21590
My feelings are kind of hurt now because it seems like he is done with our whole friendship totally out of the blue...No goodbye, No explanation, No nothing?? , I don't contact him to go out or anything, there are times I just check in to see how life is going, see how family is, stuff like that. Our friendship started at school and we would talk about that all the time and now when I bring up how I am doing, he has just become totally cold....and it was with no real warning. I feel like I did something but don't know what it is. I am afraid to ask and make it worse...should I just forget everything, and never talk to him again?
Yes I can understand that you must be hurt and you are still hurt and yes it does seem a bit strange on his part not to say anything to you, not to talk to you at all, even as an acquaintance, I know it will surely hurt you because both of you were once friends but then that's the way it is. I know I can understand he has become cold but then as I told you he has a reason to do so, which seems justified according to him at least. May be he'll continue to be that way.
I can understand he could have ended it in a better way, a mature way but then every guy is different, this according to him is the best way to deal with this. I agree with him though.
I am not sure what you did to him, I don't know may be you did, who knows, but then you can only know that if he tells you himself and that if he ever talks to you like before, which I don't think it will ever happen.
In my view I don't think you did anything, at least not intentionally. In my view it was just the natural course of events that took place which led to this behaviour that he is displaying now
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vanessa21590
I am afraid to ask and make it worse...should I just forget everything, and never talk to him again?
I don't know you could try to ask him, but then given his behaviour and his current state of mind, he won't talk to you or answer you, so I would say, you shouldn't try that.
What could become more worse than what is now, I think it is already at it worst.
You see now he as already accepted the truth about your life, he is now trying to concentrate on other things, he is trying to forget you , so yes you should also do the same. I know it is easier said than done but then the signs he is giving you now are clean and clear.
This is going to sound harsh, but sometimes, a girl will lose her worthiness if she isn't doing it with the guy friend. This isn't everyone, but it happens to a lot of women who think they can keep friends with guys, especially if the guy wants to have you. He was probably too shy to pursue you, and since you didn't take the reigns, it finally fizzled out.
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