How to deal with negative/passive aggressive parents?

[isis297]

I'm a little confused. I understand not always being able to jump up when your parents tell you to do something, but you are their child living in their home. If they ask you to do something, you should do it. That sounds like something one of my kids would do and they're little.

[ShellNic]

Originally Posted by isis297

I'm a little confused. I understand not always being able to jump up when your parents tell you to do something, but you are their child living in their home. If they ask you to do something, you should do it. That sounds like something one of my kids would do and they're little.

Or maybe you didn't read the part where the OP said they were RECOVERING from surgery and can't always do the heavier tasks. Or do you make your little kids do things they're physically unable to do?

[afoigrokerkok]

Originally Posted by dreamtraveler

The bedroom door has a lock on it. I tell them that's my office and don't bang on the door during business hours. I have a phone and they can text me. I tell them I don't go to their jobs and bang on doors and yell, so I expect the same from them. Most of the time, they respect that.

So I just don't know what to do when my father starts ranting about something that's getting to him or my mom is being passive aggressive. I was injured and I am recovering from surgery, so I do what I can to help them out. But they get on my case. Sometimes they ask me to mow the lawn, do heavy housework because they are older. They get frustrated when I tell them if I'm not feeling well and I'll do it when I'm feeling up to it or not working.

If you're living there, you should be helping with the household chores to the best of your ability. Frankly, if you're not paying to live there, you should be doing more than your "fair share" to make up for it, IMO. Can you cook or clean? If so, you should simply explain to them that you cannot do certain things but you can do other things instead.

As far as the problems between them, your last post seems to indicate you want to fix them. You can't. They are their problems and have been going on and building up for years and years. You will not be able to change the situation and should not beat yourself up over it or feel responsible for doing so. If you try, you will simply triangulate yourself in to the mess and potentially burn bridges with one or both of them.

[brokensky]

Originally Posted by dreamtraveler

Yeah I'm going to buy one. My boss actually suggested that too. But I was hoping for a solution to my parents problems.

I hope that will at least preserve your ability to do your job.

I hate to say this, as I know you were truly hoping for some suggestions about your parents' behaviors, but as others have relayed . . . there really is not much you can do to straighten out what has doubtless been a history of interactions and dysfunction -- and is between them.

As far as their asking you to help out around the house . . . I think it is unreasonable of them to expect you to be doing such things as mowing the lawn while you are recovering from surgery.

I would suggest you ask to sit down and talk with them about what tasks you can and cannot do. Make up a list, if that would help focus the discussion. If they expect you to mow the lawn and you are physically able, that's one thing. If you literally cannot do it, or you have to wait til a time when you are feeling better and can do it (not in pain) . . . then you need to tell them that you cannot be counted on to regularly mow the lawn -- not until xx date. If you need help with making them understand, talk to your physician about it and that you feel they are pushing you to engage in physical tasks that may make your recovery difficult or even injure you.

Then you can tell them - the Doc has told me to refrain from doing xxx until he can assess me in 6 weeks (or whatever). Or, I can only vacuum for 20 minutes at a time. I will be glad to help out but it will have to be on my time schedule, with resting in between.

You are going to have to think about living with them much like they are your "roommates" -- and negotiate tasks and chores just as you would if you lived with friends. The problem is - I feel sure - that they take a very parental stance (I want you to do this and I want you to do it NOW!!!). If you are very calm with them and don't allow yourself to react to them as if you ARE a child (making excuses, sighing, etc) . . . maybe you can get things on track where they are treating you like another adult rather than their child to order around.

That is all I know to suggest. Maybe others will have more insightful ideas and solutions.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by dreamtraveler

Yeah I'm going to buy one. My boss actually suggested that too. But I was hoping for a solution to my parents problems.

The solution to your parents problem is to be worked out between them and there is nothing you can do to fix whatever you think is their issue.
It really is none of your business even if you live in the home.

[biscuitmom]

Originally Posted by dreamtraveler

I don't know what to do because I live with them until I can get back on my feet and it's hard to ask them for favors when they sigh and huff when you ask them for some things.

I'm curious, what favors/things are you asking?