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My mother has always been very protective of my brother and I. I'm 23 and live with her. My brother is 31 and he lives with his partner. She divorced our sperm donor a few months ago after 33 years of marriage.
She's 54 and has a job (she's has been a teacher for 3 decades). However, I've never liked how she has always said my brother and I are "her life". I think being someone's life is too much of a responsability to put on your children. Her personal life is basically her children's personal life. I could accept if she said we're the most important part of her life. But the problem is she doesn't have any friends to go out with or any hobbies because she has always dedicated her whole free time to us.
The thing is, as you can probably imagine, we are grown ups and need her less and less. She's not intrusive to the point of interfering or wanting to know eveything. If she starts asking too many questions about where I'm going or who I'm going with, I tell her to stop and she will. However, I know she gets all offended on the inside over that.
The same happens when she finds out something about my brother's life (usually something very insignificant) that he didn't tell her. I've told her he's not obliged to tell her everything and that doesn't mean he cares any less for her. Like I've said before, she doesn't interfere in their life, she's kind to my brother's partner, she doesn't show up (she's has only been in his house a handful of times so far).
How do I explain to her that I'm glad she cares so much about her and that she has been a top notch mother yet she should find other aspects to include in her life besides us?
Last edited by TitanWarrior; 08-19-2014 at 11:47 AM..
She will realize that it's time to get her own life.
I hope so, otherwise I think she's just wasting her life. I think it's a pity she focused so much on us she doesn't have anyone to socialise with these days. Unfortunately I think that was a common attitude in many women from her generation.
I hope so, otherwise I think she's just wasting her life. I think it's a pity she focused so much on us she doesn't have anyone to socialise with these days. Unfortunately I think that was a common attitude in many women from her generation.
As someone from that same generation, I beg to differ. Not one parent I know has no social life outside of their children. If this is truly the case for your mother, it's an individual issue and certainly not representative of the norm of her generation.
You say that she doesn't interfere with your lives, so I would tell her what you said in your first post--that you love her and think she's great. Encourage her to be more social on her own. But don't shut her out. Call her regularly, take her to lunch, etc. She's always going to be your mom, and she's always going to think of you and your brother as her little boys. She's going to want to know that you're safe and taken care of and that you're eating and doing your laundry. That's just what moms do.
I hope so, otherwise I think she's just wasting her life. I think it's a pity she focused so much on us she doesn't have anyone to socialise with these days. Unfortunately I think that was a common attitude in many women from her generation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
As someone from that same generation, I beg to differ. Not one parent I know has no social life outside of their children. If this is truly the case for your mother, it's an individual issue and certainly not representative of the norm of her generation.
I totally agree with maciesmom.
My children are 27 and 31 and I do not even know one woman, my age or any other age, who has "dedicated her whole life" to her children and does not have her own friends and own hobbies and own life.
Now, when children are babies, toddlers and in elementary and HS, Moms may not have a lot of extra time for themselves, but most still find the time to have a life apart from their kids.
Heck, my mother was born in 1920 and she had her own friends, hobbies and interests outside of her children.
It's just "grown pains" and every family, every relationship, goes through them. Different issues maybe, but stuff still comes up because nobody is perfect. Give it a little time and things will smooth out or at least you will be accustomed to it and learn to not let it bother you. Then something will happen, probably you guys getting married and having kids, that will change the dynamic again. You'll be amazed at how your thoughts about this stuff go in circles over the years.
I was a little like your mom when my kids were becoming adults because I'd been a SAHM and the empty nest thing is very real. Over time things changed but I remember a funny thing with my eldest, she'd been trying to reach me and wanted to talk but I wasn't home when she called. I still hear her saying "where were you? you're supposed to be home!"...hahaha.
I also remember going through this with my own protective mother. She's still protective at age 81 but I got used to it and our relationship has gone through several different phases over our lives.
As someone from that same generation, I beg to differ. Not one parent I know has no social life outside of their children. If this is truly the case for your mother, it's an individual issue and certainly not representative of the norm of her generation.
I am of that generation and I am NOT that way with my 27 and 30 year olds.
Please don't lump us all into the same group as your mother!
You may know one or two that way.... that does not equal "many".
Ok let's agree to disagree. That was just a personal comment, not the main point of the thread anyway.
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