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Old 08-19-2014, 08:07 PM
 
5,835 posts, read 5,672,105 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
No no no!! It is so NOT that. I can be honest bcs this is an anonymous forum. And I tell you 100% that it is not that. At ALL. There is nothing flirtatious or even light-hearted/joking around about it. Very above board. We are in the same field, went to the same graduate school. It's like talking to a like-minded colleague.

This isn't about whether I need to stop emailing bcs I'm married. It's about when to let the ebb and flow of conversation just...ebb.
chrissycs - you are fooling yourself.

Your true husband is already telling you he feels something is not right. That means that he feels left out of this relationship you are building with this faceless stranger.

You better believe your husband feels like he is being cheated on - because you are cheating on him. Strong bonds can form because you and your "friend" can form an emotional bond because it is the powerful meeting of the mind. Its for real , dont kid yourself. What your husband feels is real as if your "friend" were there in real life.

sometimes it also leads to a real life meet up. Please beleive me on this. Your husband sees something that you dont becaause he is not entangled in something that you are. Please listen to him - have a talk with him - and let that email friend go.

there is a lot of fake, phony, fantasy that if you knew this "email freind" in real life, you would probaby be shocked that he is NOT the image you have in your mind of him.

Believe me on this please!
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Old 08-19-2014, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,064,775 times
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I'm retired from a very male dominated field and I get what you are saying but I'm tending to agree with the rest of the folks here. Let it fade out. You might be 100% accurate about how you feel about the emails but your husband has weighed in with his "odd" reaction and you don't know what is going on behind the emails from your new/old contact. Do the benefits of continuing contact outweigh the downsides? Probably not.
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Old 08-19-2014, 10:25 PM
 
30 posts, read 31,262 times
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I'll be surprised if she breaks it off: give up interesting emails over something as unimportant as her husband's feelings?
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Old 08-20-2014, 01:54 AM
 
Location: Fairbanks, AK
1,748 posts, read 2,359,556 times
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Oh geeze. Way too many people can not even imagine having lengthy conversations with a member of the opposite sex with out thinking of it in the romantic sense. Really people, some of us do know how to just communicate with the opposite gender without bringing sex into it.

:eyeroll
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:35 AM
 
30 posts, read 31,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stimestar View Post
Oh geeze. Way too many people can not even imagine having lengthy conversations with a member of the opposite sex with out thinking of it in the romantic sense. Really people, some of us do know how to just communicate with the opposite gender without bringing sex into it.

:eyeroll
I can understand keeping in sporadic touch with an old friend. The line is when the husband has a problem with it. And it's the husband's choice: the real problem is when the wife knows a husband objects, but protests: that speaks volumes about her priorities and what she really thinks about being a wife, rather than how much she enjoyed a one-day $50,000 coronation ceremony held in her honor which requires a prop called a "groom".
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:56 AM
 
37,865 posts, read 14,749,658 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
I recently got back in touch with someone I kind of knew about 20 yrs ago. We weren't close friends by any stretch of the imagination. But definitely somebody that I enjoyed talking to every now and then at social occasions. We know some of the same people I guess. But no strong friendship way back then.

Except, omg, he is so interesting! We've been emailing back and forth and I can't believe how interesting he is. His perspective on life, the way he frames his experiences. The emails are all super lengthy, but I really enjoy them. He's living overseas and I think it's probably just a way for him to pass some time. I've already said, kind of tongue in cheek, that I'd be happy to be his pen pal. So I guess we're kind of pen pals now. I keep expecting the last email I send to be the last email he responds to. But he keeps responding. And he's still interesting! Why didn't I take the time to get to know him better when we were in school together??

This is strictly a platonic thing. The conversations are more serious than anything. (but interesting). I'd have no problem showing my husband every last email. Except there are a lot of them. And when I mentioned to my husband that I was corresponding with the guy, his reaction was kind of odd. I think my husband feels kind of threatened by him professionally and I don't want to rub his nose in that.

I don't even really know what my question is. This is very unusual for me though. I often reconnect with people from my past but it just naturally dies out. This seems to be the opposite. So I guess I just keep responding? I don't think I can keep it up too much longer. I don't have enough interesting things left to share!

Has this ever happened to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
Holy smokes. I have to say, I'm surprised. I've never thought of this guy as anybody except somebody that I would chat with every now and then. He was never a crush. My field is male dominated, so conversations about this industry with a guy doesn't feel like Im crossing any type of line. But maybe I need to rethink this...?

But there is no emotional connection. There is no flirtation. He's talking to me about his work experience and his experiences abroad.

Let the conversation take its course. Encourage him start a blog. He could start by posting his emails to you. That way you can open up the conversation to others who would find his experiences and perspectives fascinating.

As to calling a halt because your husband feels threatened, either professionally or personally, what odd advice.

Just because we marry someone does not mean we cut off all contact with others that might possibly, someday, perhaps threaten the spouse. Good grief.

For those people whose marriages are so shaky they can't sustain a spouse corresponding with a colleague, then perhaps it would be important for spouses to limit their contact with the outer world.

In fact, if wearing a burkha helps, go for it.
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Old 08-20-2014, 07:00 AM
 
30 posts, read 31,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
As to calling a halt because your husband feels threatened, either professionally or personally, what odd advice.

Just because we marry someone does not mean we cut off all contact with others that might possibly, someday, perhaps threaten the spouse. Good grief.
I get the impression that a lot of women these days do not see "males" as human. Gents: "Love, honor, and obey, forsaking all others" means absolutely nothing to many women these days. They have more loyalty to a supposedly non-close penpal than their own husband. And when I point it out, they agree with me with no shame, no remorse, and don't comprehend "why that's a problem".

Again, I just have to repeat this: the idea of exercising any sort of consideration for her husband is "odd".

We need new wedding vows:
"I, Bridezilla, promise to think only of myself in every possible way and at at all times and to never, ever consider the feelings and opinions of this thing any way, shape or form. And if, not when, I want a new adventure, I promise to use the legal system to extract the maximum pain and cash prizes from his sorry ass, including false accusations of child abuse."

Last edited by Caufield; 08-20-2014 at 07:15 AM..
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Old 08-20-2014, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,064,775 times
Reputation: 7017
For those people whose marriages are so shaky they can't sustain a spouse corresponding with a colleague, then perhaps it would be important for spouses to limit their contact with the outer world.


Really? It's the OP's husband that clocked in with the "odd" response to the correspondence not any of ours. I don't think the OP would have asked CD if it wasn't becoming an issue to some degree.

I won't be donning a burka anytime soon but if correspondence with another man, woman or child caused my DH discomfort I'd be weighing the cost/benefit ratio of continuing immediately because I value my relationship with my husband above all others and because he is an imminently secure and reasonable man I'd have to question my actions. That's my story.

The OP will have to determine what she values more, the correspondence or her husband's comfort with the situation. She apparently can't have her cake and eat it too. Some of us would probably be fine in her given situation. I probably would. We have years of trust banked between us.

Gawd. Come on get it people. We are all responding to the OP's stated position, not from our own.
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Old 08-20-2014, 07:20 AM
 
30 posts, read 31,262 times
Reputation: 79
AK-Cathy: Your sound like a blessing to your husband, and probably your family and community as well.
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Old 08-20-2014, 07:41 AM
 
5,835 posts, read 5,672,105 times
Reputation: 5163
chrissys - hi & good morning

As they say, "denial" is not a river in Egypt.

You are already emotionally involved and this faceless stranger over the internet means so much to you that you -

make your real husband feel bad; and you are sticking up for this faceless internet stranger who is affecting your marriage, and he is not even real. why are you seeking his friendship when you have a real life man right there who apparently loves you. Why do you feel the need to talk to a total stranger that you have to stick up for this when told it is dangerous for you to do so? so already you have formed a connection that you feel you have to defend.

People are not who they appear to be on the internet, and since its a meeting of the minds, each person builds up a fantasy idea of whose on the other end. it starts off harmless, but ends up NOT harmless.

why do you need to find a faceless stranger on the internet to talk to when you have a real man right there?

already your husband is feeling bad.. your internet friend has caused your husband to be hurt.. I do not see this as being safe... since your husband is feeling bad. why would you want to hurt your husband who is there for you in real life?

you know nothing about this faceless stranger on the internet.
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