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Old 08-20-2014, 07:50 AM
 
9,888 posts, read 9,504,786 times
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I've been on the internet since like 1995, and have participated in a whole lot of forums/chat rooms/etc. when it was a friendship website, I never flirted with someone once they told me they were married. so in this one chat room, there was a guy that I thought was really smart, cool, sharp, etc... he was so witty. now I was not married, but still I didn't want to chat with a married man.. well this guy that I thought was so cool, sharp, nice, witty, a strong person that I admired, I invited him to come to visit me. I thought he was single. I "knew" him online about a year or two. He seemed decent, and safe. (please note - I do not regularly invite strangers from the internet to my house, but this seemed safe, and true I did not get mugged or anything like that) yes it does feel like you know them for real when you chat online, yes it can feel that way.

Turns out, he came to Chicago, he was NOT the same personality as online. he was kinda really not that great of a person, I cant think of the word, but maybe sort of an average joe type, nothing special, but anyway, we hung around for a couple days , I showed him the city, etc.. well then I called his house and a woman answers the phone. I said can I speak to ____ (the guys name) and she said he's not here. she said "who are you?" and I thought uh oh, so I said to her who are you and she said "i'm his wife". so that guy came here to cheat on his wife, did not tell me he was married and tried to cover up, but haha I told his wife exactly what happened and so I don't know what was the aftermath, but that was amazing to find that out. What a big fat liar and cheat he was! I would NEVER have invited him if I knew he was married,, he sure did not let on that he was married online!
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:27 AM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,876,051 times
Reputation: 33164
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicagoMeO View Post
You are corresponding with a man overseas who is not your husband. This is emotional cheating. It can lead to lots of hurt. Please let it stop. lots of hurt can happen unexpectedly.
"Emotional cheating?" And just what is that, exactly? This doesn't even fall in the category of "look but don't touch." The husband sounds like he has problems with insecurity. After all, the guy she's emailing is overseas, so it's not like they can hook up anyway. He's a Facebook friend using email as a substitute, and she's willing to show her husband the emails, so she's not acting like a guilty party.

I don't understand why people assume that just because a person is married they must cease and desist all contact with people of the opposite sex. This is especially true for women. Married women don't automatically become hermits just because they are married. It's bad for a person's emotional health to isolate his/her relationships to one or a very few individuals. Contrary to popular belief, friendships with people of the opposite sex do exist, and they can be very strong bonds indeed. I have had a male friend for 25 years who had been there for me in good times and bad. I'd do anything for him in return.

Unfortunately, married individuals often do isolate in this manner. Friendships with others are an important part of life, and if the husband is threatened by his wife having email correspondence with a guy overseas that she will probably never visit her entire life, I'd say the problem lies with HIM, not her.

Last edited by Scooby Snacks; 08-20-2014 at 08:40 AM..
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:46 AM
 
30 posts, read 37,199 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
I don't understand why people assume that just because a person is married they must cease and desist all contact with people of the opposite sex.
Of course not: The line is crossed when the spouse objects. And when someone wants to fight this objection (to the point of enlisting help from the Internet to justify it), it proves that perhaps the e-friendship is becoming too much of a problem. It's a little like alcohol dependence: if your spouse suggests you may have a problem, humor them by abstaining for a week: if you can't make 24 hours, then they're right!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
if the husband is threatened by his wife having email correspondence with a guy overseas that she will probably never visit her entire life, I'd say the problem lies with HIM, not her.
Yes: his concern over protecting his marriage is a sign of his weakness and inadequacy as a man. Let's gang up and collectively shame him!
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:03 AM
 
6,039 posts, read 6,023,229 times
Reputation: 16753
Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post

Gawd. Come on get it people. We are all responding to the OP's stated position, not from our own.
Exactly. The OP's initial post was like she was almost swooning like a 18 year old over this guy's emails. At least that's what struck me. I'd have an odd response too if I was her husband.
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:14 AM
 
341 posts, read 453,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicagoMeO View Post
chrissys - hi & good morning

As they say, "denial" is not a river in Egypt.

You are already emotionally involved and this faceless stranger over the internet means so much to you that you -

make your real husband feel bad; and you are sticking up for this faceless internet stranger who is affecting your marriage, and he is not even real. why are you seeking his friendship when you have a real life man right there who apparently loves you. Why do you feel the need to talk to a total stranger that you have to stick up for this when told it is dangerous for you to do so? so already you have formed a connection that you feel you have to defend.

People are not who they appear to be on the internet, and since its a meeting of the minds, each person builds up a fantasy idea of whose on the other end. it starts off harmless, but ends up NOT harmless.

why do you need to find a faceless stranger on the internet to talk to when you have a real man right there?

already your husband is feeling bad.. your internet friend has caused your husband to be hurt.. I do not see this as being safe... since your husband is feeling bad. why would you want to hurt your husband who is there for you in real life?

you know nothing about this faceless stranger on the internet.
Quoting this one bcs it seems like a lot of people are falling into this camp. For those of you that are "getting it" thanks for your insight.

I am NOT emotionally involved w this guy. I know what that feels like and its not this. I have no attachment to him, other than being fascinated by his experiences. My husband is "threatened" professionally bcs this guy is doing something overseas that my husband has been trying to break into domestically, and the rules are all different. We've had some career reversals over the last couple of yrs, and dh is threatened by other people's success. Which is a bummer, bcs I think this guy would be a great contact for him to have down the road. My "friend" (and I use that term loosely - he's more a guy I used to go to school with) is not trying to make his life seem perfect. He has talked about his own obstacles working domestically, and with the struggles of working overseas. My interest is more in his experiences, because it is so extremely different.

He really does need to start a blog or write a book.

I shared a bunch of the emails last night with my husband. No I didn't have to edit anything or skip over anything. It's all above board. Nothing overly familiar or personal. My husband doesn't feel bad, except for the fact he's not had the opportunities this guy has had. The communication is not an issue that I know. This is not a guy that I ever dated or that I wanted to date, or that wanted to date me. He barely crossed my radar except for the few conversations I had with him in grad school. We really didn't have much in common. WHich is what I guess makes him interesting now.

So to reiterate: I know what emotional entanglement looks like and feels like. It's not this. No way. No how. My question was more about the natural progression of email correspondence bcs I'm running out of interesting things to write about (seriously) and it's taking more work on my end to keep the conversation flowing. But it seems rude to just stop responding. Especially when I really do enjoy hearing from him and getting another dose of stories.
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:17 AM
 
341 posts, read 453,007 times
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Haha. No I'm not swooning. You guys are funny.

There just aren't that many people that are doing something so different in life. My circle of friends are all doing the same ole same ole. I love them. But really, it's not that interesting.
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:19 AM
 
51,580 posts, read 25,547,985 times
Reputation: 37775
The OP was not asking our advice on whether emailing a guy she and her husband knew from graduate school was putting her marriage at risk. As I recall, she was asking at what point to let email correspondence, however fascinating, fade out.

The posts on how she needs to stop emailing immediately since her husband feels odd about it, how she's not honoring her marriage vows, how she is "emotionally cheating," etc. strike me as bizarre.

Over the years, I've noticed that those who accuse others of stealing stuff are usually thieves themselves, those who accuse others of lying often aren't being totally truthful, and so on.

So I'm wondering. Those who are posting about how the OP is "emotionally cheating," by holding conversations over the internet, do your spouses know you are chatting with strangers on C-D?
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Twin Cities
5,833 posts, read 7,665,225 times
Reputation: 8867
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stimestar View Post
Oh geeze. Way too many people can not even imagine having lengthy conversations with a member of the opposite sex with out thinking of it in the romantic sense. Really people, some of us do know how to just communicate with the opposite gender without bringing sex into it.

:eyeroll
No one is talking about romance or sex. One can establish an inappropriately intimate emotional relationship without having romance or sex enter the picture. That's what is happening here.
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:28 AM
 
341 posts, read 453,007 times
Reputation: 338
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
The OP was not asking our advice on whether emailing a guy she and her husband knew from graduate school was putting her marriage at risk. As I recall, she was asking at what point to let email correspondence, however fascinating, fade out.

The posts on how she needs to stop emailing immediately since her husband feels odd about it, how she's not honoring her marriage vows, how she is "emotionally cheating," etc. strike me as bizarre.
?
Yes exactly. Not to say I'm not intrigued by the majority of responses my post got. Wasn't expecting that at all!
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:29 AM
 
30 posts, read 37,199 times
Reputation: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
The posts on how she needs to stop emailing immediately since her husband feels odd about it, how she's not honoring her marriage vows, how she is "emotionally cheating," etc. strike me as bizarre.
It's relevant because the husband said it's relevant. The normal answer to "how late is too late to drive?" is "as long as your headlights work". But if the question is "How late is it to drive? My doctor diagnosed me with narcolepsy and my opthomologist says my night vision is reduced by 90%", then the answer is different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Over the years, I've noticed that those who accuse others of stealing stuff are usually thieves themselves, those who accuse others of lying often aren't being totally truthful, and so on.

So I'm wondering. Those who are posting about how the OP is "emotionally cheating," by holding conversations over the internet, do your spouses know you are chatting with strangers on C-D?
Personally, I'm extremely single and haven't been on a date in months. After seeing the selfishness exhibited by a lot of the women here, I think maybe I'm on the right track.
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