U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-21-2014, 07:18 AM
 
5,835 posts, read 5,672,105 times
Reputation: 5165

Advertisements

I'll also give you a simple answer to the OP's question -

Red flags.

#1 - OP's instincts alerted her that something may not be right with emailing this person, enough to put up a topic questioning.
#2 - OP's husband does not feel comfortable about situation, he may not quite know what it is, but his instincts tell him that.
#3 - When I tell OP's my recommendation, OP's response is what I would call someone in denial, the same kind of tone that your child gives you when you catch them in the cookie jar and ask them "were you in the cookie jar" and they answer similar to that.
#4 - my own instincts - I see OP's scenario very clearly as if I am watching the movie Psycho for the 10th time , when I hear the music I know that movie is about to be shown.
#5 - OP is defending this man she is emailing to, so already he has formed an importance in her life which she is defending the need to correspond with.

I recommend the OP stop the email and let them fade immediately. she could give one good bye email, or not, and put and end to it. or just stop answering him. or let the husband tell him in an email to stop emailing his wife.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-21-2014, 08:20 AM
 
342 posts, read 345,568 times
Reputation: 338
Whoa, ChicagoMeO. I get that you are operating from your own personal experience (which is what people do) but you are totally misreading the situation and my post. I think the poster who seems to get it most accurately is "GotHereQuickAsICould". Others also, but GHAQAIC has been much more vocal.

If nothing else, this has been an interesting conversation to me. So I appreciate every last comment. I don't feel like I was defending anything, just trying to clarify because there seemed to be some confusion about my intent.

My husband isn't bothered by the correspondence. But his initial reaction was odd.
He hasn't asked me to stop communicating with the guy. It's a non issue, as far as I can tell. I'm surprised he wasn't more interested, considering they are essentially in the same field. But my husband is very competitive so I get it, I guess.

In the days of pen and paper correspondence, this would obviously be a once a month thing. Email makes everybody so instantly accessible that the frequency can be out of control. There doesn't seem to be a graceful way to scale it back. I like this guy's emails. They are very informative. Half travel blog, half professional blog. I think he must be bored out of his mind to be writing such long emails. He's said there is nothing to do there.

But the emails are a fry cry from interpersonal. We aren't establishing a "bond". I'm not delving into how he's feeling about anything. Just factual exchanges. No reminiscing. Nothing like that.

But I don't want to be rude and so I'm feeling a bit of an obligation to respond. And bcs his emails are so interesting there's a bit of pressure to keep up, and it's taking more work.

If I sounded like I was "swooning" I think that was more just the excitement of having somebody taking the time to write such a detailed account of their experience after not being in touch for so long. Even with all this instant access everybody has to each other, it's an age of disconnect. Often the best we do in life are a string of half hearted text messages. I think my reaction would be the same if it were a female contact.

I really don't have much to add to my exchanges with him at this point. And I wouldn't really call him a "friend". Just someone I've enjoyed communicating with. So other than the time we've both already put in I'm not sure what happens now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,041 posts, read 8,285,989 times
Reputation: 19267
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
Whoa, ChicagoMeO. I get that you are operating from your own personal experience (which is what people do) but you are totally misreading the situation and my post. I think the poster who seems to get it most accurately is "GotHereQuickAsICould". Others also, but GHAQAIC has been much more vocal.

If nothing else, this has been an interesting conversation to me. So I appreciate every last comment. I don't feel like I was defending anything, just trying to clarify because there seemed to be some confusion about my intent.

My husband isn't bothered by the correspondence. But his initial reaction was odd.
He hasn't asked me to stop communicating with the guy. It's a non issue, as far as I can tell. I'm surprised he wasn't more interested, considering they are essentially in the same field. But my husband is very competitive so I get it, I guess.

In the days of pen and paper correspondence, this would obviously be a once a month thing. Email makes everybody so instantly accessible that the frequency can be out of control. There doesn't seem to be a graceful way to scale it back. I like this guy's emails. They are very informative. Half travel blog, half professional blog. I think he must be bored out of his mind to be writing such long emails. He's said there is nothing to do there.

But the emails are a fry cry from interpersonal. We aren't establishing a "bond". I'm not delving into how he's feeling about anything. Just factual exchanges. No reminiscing. Nothing like that.

But I don't want to be rude and so I'm feeling a bit of an obligation to respond. And bcs his emails are so interesting there's a bit of pressure to keep up, and it's taking more work.

If I sounded like I was "swooning" I think that was more just the excitement of having somebody taking the time to write such a detailed account of their experience after not being in touch for so long. Even with all this instant access everybody has to each other, it's an age of disconnect. Often the best we do in life are a string of half hearted text messages. I think my reaction would be the same if it were a female contact.

I really don't have much to add to my exchanges with him at this point. And I wouldn't really call him a "friend". Just someone I've enjoyed communicating with. So other than the time we've both already put in I'm not sure what happens now.
He may be interesting, and he also may be bored, but it's not your job to prop him up and virtually keep him company. Given all of this, I think the easiest thing to do is not jump to reply to his emails when they come in. If it takes you a couple of weeks to reply, that's probably the best route to putting some distance between you without cutting it off altogether. And I still think suggesting he write a travel blog to share with friends and family would be a great idea to keep him occupied.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 08:41 AM
 
Location: South Minneapolis
4,745 posts, read 5,406,323 times
Reputation: 6955
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChicagoMeO View Post
I am focused, thanks!

And I believe I am right in what I had to say and I stand by it.
My comment was not directed at you. That's why I included a quote from another poster (GotHereQuickAsICould) in my post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caufield View Post
Actually, Glenfield, I don't think it's necessary to get too technical about language: this isn't a Supreme Court ruling.
I do think that it can important to get technical about language when the meaning of what is being posted is being misinterpreted. What's the point of trying to discuss something if language has no meaning?

We have really been arguing the same side of this discussion up to now, but there is clearly some confusion about what people are saying and what they mean.

Obviously, others on this thread feel differently about calling out a poster who misquotes others' comments in a way that changes the meaning. So be it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 10:47 AM
 
30 posts, read 31,262 times
Reputation: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenfield View Post
I do think that it can important to get technical about language when the meaning of what is being posted is being misinterpreted. What's the point of trying to discuss something if language has no meaning?

We have really been arguing the same side of this discussion up to now, but there is clearly some confusion about what people are saying and what they mean.

Obviously, others on this thread feel differently about calling out a poster who misquotes others' comments in a way that changes the meaning. So be it.
I didn't really intend to criticize you: I think we are generally on the same side of the issue and appreciate your trying to defend me. I just wanted to point out that I'm not afraid of the sarcasm and mocking tone.

While I agree that semantics and meanings can be very important sometimes, I think the disagreement here (at least regarding my position) is primarily substantive rather than semantic. In fact, that's really the crux of my point: many married women today proudly boast about having a completely self-centered attitude. I suspect that this is some variant of Feminism in which any sort of consideration, compromise, or loyalty to their husbands is "submission to the Patriarchy".

People often obfuscate their true position in flowery language. As an analogy, I know a father who was libertarian and is now mostly an anarchist, but his children live at home, even as adults, so apparently his politics don't preclude supporting his own family. But that is not true of all libertarians: see this article How Ayn Rand ruined my childhood - Salon.com. He might use words that sound good, like "I want my daughter to be self-reliant rather than spoiled", but then we see that in practice, he tried to get his daughter to sign emancipation papers when she was a sophomore in high school, which is evil.

So I actually applaud those who disagree with me for showing their true colors rather than evading and rationalizing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Early America
1,698 posts, read 815,827 times
Reputation: 3740
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
I think my reaction would be the same if it were a female contact.
.
Would it? You would say, omg she is so interesting and we've been emailing back and forth and I can't believe how interesting she is?

OK, consider this.

This type of correspondence does naturally fade away. You said that each time you send an email you expect it to be the last and that you have run out of things to say. You had already checked out and ready to let it fade. For some reason he hasn't picked up that it's time for that to happen. It could be simply because of your penpal comment, or that he views your responses as encouragement. Who knows. Did you show your husband your responses or only the guy's emails. The point is, he's trying to keep it going. You've run out of things to say, just let it die.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 03:15 PM
 
2,407 posts, read 3,493,141 times
Reputation: 1831
Sounds like he may not have many other friends and you give him out outlet to journal his experiences to. I think he enjoys writing and sending them to you gives him an outlet to vent or express his feelings. I really don't think it would matter who was at the other end.

If it gives him pleasure and doesn't require much in return from you, why stop. Consider it your volunteer work and you enjoy reading them anyway so I don't see the big deal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-21-2014, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Early America
1,698 posts, read 815,827 times
Reputation: 3740
Quote:
But I don't want to be rude and so I'm feeling a bit of an obligation to respond.*
Are you trying to ask what is the email etiquette in this situation? If so, all of the exuberant details about the guy are irrelevant; they obfuscate your question and could make this appear to have more going on. It wouldn't matter how interesting or uninteresting he is, or whether the correspondent is male or female.

He could be embellishing his stories anyway. Chances are very high that he is not as interesting as he makes himself sound. It's rare for a fascinating individual to be bored and lonely no matter where they are.

It sounds like responding has become a chore for you. If you don't want to ignore him, you could wait a couple of weeks , or more, and just say , thank you for the update. Or something along that line to show your [mild] appreciation. Don't ask questions. Maybe others will have better suggestions.

You could try suggesting he write a blog, book, or mentoring someone which he could do from anywhere. I mean if he's for real, seems like he would have thought of that already.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-24-2014, 09:24 AM
 
1,421 posts, read 1,894,745 times
Reputation: 1941
I you are on CD asking anonymous people about a non-romantic relationship you need to re-evaluate your intentions with the man. Don't hide behind an attempt to make something that is not he case appear true. Your correspondence indicates there is a relationship of some sort taking place.
I have had a number of men in my past contact me one way or another and although they are interesting I manage to stop the correspondence from turning into an ongoing relationship. I just stop replying. After four or five emails they get the message.
Try that! Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-11-2014, 02:27 PM
 
5,835 posts, read 5,672,105 times
Reputation: 5165
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUPbud View Post
Naaaahahaha! Some of you people think any talking or online chatting is tantamount to having an affair. And for you, if you think that's true, you live your life that way. What are you doing on C-D, then you homewreckers chatting with other married/single/dontknow folks!?!

The fact that the OP is willing to show the email correspondence to her husband passes the 90% confidence interval that everything is above the board. Husband is disinterested/annoyed and asks her to stop emailing "Yohan from Switzerland" or whatever his name is.

OP, I give you a different criteria - frequency. If you have your intense ePenpal and you're writing 3 page letters back and forth 3x a week, kick back that's too much. Maybe 2x a month is the right frequency for a penpal.

I myself have a ONCE/TWICE A YEAR married penpal. We worked together then she moved to Alaska and married her Oil Platform/Bush Pilot/Snow Crab Fisherman dream guy she was looking for all her life. So she's got some good stories of Frontier Life. Normal people with good boundries can maintain and enjoy friendships with the opposite sex. Its when you cross over into *looking* for that emotional stimulation outside your marriage where Yousa Gotta Problem.

There's a correct way and an incorrect way to post. I never post like I'm flirting and watch what I say and do not encourage any untoward behavior or possibility of such. if I made a mistake and found out that I made a mistake it would be buh bye!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:39 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top