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Old 08-23-2014, 08:46 AM
 
6,134 posts, read 4,920,926 times
Reputation: 12342

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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Forget the BIL. If he had a falling out with your husband over you looking like his ex-wife, I'm not sure there is much to be gained from trying to nurture a relationship here.

You have bigger fish to fry. Your husband is struggling with PTSD and alcoholism. Moving all over is making it difficult to get care.

Here's my advice.

1) Get a big dog, Newfie maybe or any big gentle dog that he can talk to wthout worrying about being judged, who he can go on walks with, sit on the sofa with and watch sports.

2) Find an EMDR therapist. EMDR has been used to successfully treat PTSC for several decades now. It is way better than meds, which is what he's likely to get at the VA.

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories."

EMDR Institute, Inc. - Find a Clinician

3) Make it clear on no uncertain terms that he needs to get help and get his ducks in a row, that you will support him as long as he's doing that, but you are not his Mama (though she sounds like no prize either) and you will not devote your life to his troubles. AAA, therapy, whatever it takes, you are not putting up with this forever.

Good luck.
Please do not bring a dog into this volatile situation. Who knows if the two will stay together. And if they are moving all the time, what if their new place doesn't allow pets. Then out goes the dog.

Wait until there is a stable home for the pet.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:48 AM
 
6,134 posts, read 4,920,926 times
Reputation: 12342
And why are you moving all the time? Are there money issues involved?

It might be hard, but put all this petty arguing and look into taking care of the physical needs first - shelter, food etc. It is hard to look at things logically when you are worried about your living situation.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:05 AM
 
105 posts, read 134,184 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
And why are you moving all the time? Are there money issues involved?

It might be hard, but put all this petty arguing and look into taking care of the physical needs first - shelter, food etc. It is hard to look at things logically when you are worried about your living situation.
Money hasn't been the issue. I'm no longer worried about our living situation. I never was, really. Most of the moves were due to my husband's work circumstances. Many of them were fairly short-distance moves. It's settled down now. That is why I've been urging him to seek help beyond just seeing a psychiatrist on occasion to have his Rx for anti-depressants refilled. The anti-depressants do work to curb his anger about minor things, don't get me wrong, but he needs to be in talk therapy with someone who knows how to deal with vets and the issues specific to them IMO.

March 2013: My husband is medically discharged from the military. It was unexpected. He came to live with me in my studio apartment in NJ. I was going to school in NYC.

May 2013: My lease expired. We decided to find a bigger apartment that was still in commuting distance from school, so we moved to Brooklyn. During this time, we both were in couple's therapy, and he was in therapy at the VA.

October 2013: My husband had gotten a job in NJ so we moved back to NJ to a place where we could both have reasonable commutes to school/work. We continued couple's therapy.

April 2014: My husband's job transferred him to the Buffalo area on short notice. We decided to buy a house around there, so we got a month-to-month rental to live in during the house-hunting process.

July 2014: We moved into the house we bought.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:13 AM
 
105 posts, read 134,184 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tintlelli View Post
Sorry to say, but if the problem with the brother-in-law is totally based on you looking like the "evil ex-wife"... plus the fact that your husband hasn't been talking to him for over a year, do you think he's the best person to help you help your husband? If you're all still "mad at" each other it might do more harm than good, I would guess.

Are his mother and/or sister willing to give you his new phone number? You don't have to explain why. If they insist, tell them the little bit you're comfortable sharing, or tell them you'll call back another time.
I wasn't mad at My BIL at all, until yesterday when his callousness about his brother's adversity rubbed me the wrong way.

Perhaps I should have gotten his phone # from my mother-in-law first. It didn't occurred to me to do that. I just wanted to leave her out of it. Hindsight is 20/20. I don't think I should reach out to him again, though. At least not for a very long time.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:19 AM
 
105 posts, read 134,184 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shankapotomus View Post
Without taking a side, I think your brother-in-law is trying to use negative pressure on his brother as a way to boycott your presence in the family. In other words, "You don't get to see me until your wife is gone".

So it is related to your presence.

Why don't you like your brother-in-law?
Please see post #14: http://www.city-data.com/forum/36201139-post14.html

I'm beginning to rethink what's going on.

I believe a more accurate description would be that my BIL views me as the catalyst of the rift that occurred between himself and my husband.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
2,767 posts, read 2,285,681 times
Reputation: 2343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ananas87 View Post
Please see post #14: http://www.city-data.com/forum/36201139-post14.html

I'm beginning to rethink what's going on.

I believe a more accurate description would be that my BIL views me as the catalyst of the rift that occurred between himself and my husband.

Thanks, I caught that post after I posted mine. I updated my first post with more pertinent info to your dilemma.

It's here: A vent about my brother-in-law
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:36 AM
 
105 posts, read 134,184 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Forget the BIL. If he had a falling out with your husband over you looking like his ex-wife, I'm not sure there is much to be gained from trying to nurture a relationship here.

You have bigger fish to fry. Your husband is struggling with PTSD and alcoholism. Moving all over is making it difficult to get care.

Here's my advice.

1) Get a big dog, Newfie maybe or any big gentle dog that he can talk to wthout worrying about being judged, who he can go on walks with, sit on the sofa with and watch sports.

2) Find an EMDR therapist. EMDR has been used to successfully treat PTSC for several decades now. It is way better than meds, which is what he's likely to get at the VA.

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories."

EMDR Institute, Inc. - Find a Clinician

3) Make it clear on no uncertain terms that he needs to get help and get his ducks in a row, that you will support him as long as he's doing that, but you are not his Mama (though she sounds like no prize either) and you will not devote your life to his troubles. AAA, therapy, whatever it takes, you are not putting up with this forever.

Good luck.
Thanks! We do have a dog and a cat. The animals do seem to soothe him.

His mother isn't so bad. Her husband passed away two and a half years ago, and she's been losing her marbles ever since--forgetfulness, depression, drinking, collecting more and more cats... (She shouldn't be living alone, but it's not my place to insist on it.) Anyway, knowing that her youngest son is stuck in a downward spiral would likely make her own downward spiral much, much worse.

He's very, very needy. I've told him in marriage therapy that sometimes I feel as though he's a petulant child I need to take care of, and that's not okay. Things were getting a lot better until we moved away from the east coast. I think he feels like he was pulled away from the safety net he had grown used to--therapists, my family. My family has been a helpful, welcoming, and understanding presence for him. He often went to them in lieu of touching base with his own family. My mother was a social worker and my father is a veteran, so my husband felt comfortable talking to both of them. They are some of the least judgmental people I know.

I will look into EMDR.

Last edited by Ananas87; 08-23-2014 at 09:51 AM..
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:45 AM
 
105 posts, read 134,184 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shankapotomus View Post
Thanks, I caught that post after I posted mine. I updated my first post with more pertinent info to your dilemma.

It's here: A vent about my brother-in-law
My BIL blocked me on Facebook before I could even ask him what's really going on. When he's ready to discuss it and/or move on from his qualms, I'll be here. When that happens, I'll try using the approach you suggested in your edited post. Maybe I'll reach out to him again in the distant future, but I should probably just leave him alone for a while.

Thanks.
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Old 08-23-2014, 10:53 AM
 
4,728 posts, read 4,447,673 times
Reputation: 9038
The OP has been very kind on here, constantly explaining herself over and over again. Instead of trying to help it seems that many want to blame her or tell her to just get out. Wow. I would have not been as nice as she has been to these posters. Also, trying to help someone you love is admirable. However, I would not look to the brother-in-law for help. He sounds bitter and immature. Good luck.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:33 AM
 
Location: Missouri
6,047 posts, read 21,579,181 times
Reputation: 5051
So, your BIL is a moron. You tried to reach out to help your husband but it didn't work. I definitely agree it's better to just ignore him at this point, as he's just adding stress to an already stressful situation.

I agree with the suggestion to get your DH more help. PTSD is very serious and also difficult to treat. I hope that you are able to find a VA professional near your current home who has an expertise in it. You also might want to check out Al-Anon for yourself.

Best of luck.
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