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Old 09-02-2014, 01:42 PM
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,931 posts, read 6,464,857 times
Reputation: 44197


Originally Posted by nj21 View Post
So, I have a friend who has invited me to more than a few of his parties he has and events his building has. Just to be clear, I am a woman and my friend is a guy. Well, he invited me to a housewarming party a couple of months ago and I went. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend! But I was very cordial and made sure to ask her questions, etc.

Now, the housewarming party wasn't a good turnout. I invited two friends and then it was him and his girlfriend. My friend and I work together and we would often talk about things that happen in the office. I noticed her staring weirdly at me a couple of times to the point where it made me extremely uncomfortable. My friend is a cool guy and I have no romantic interest in him at all! But he's a cool hang out buddy.

The thing is, he has been inviting me to quite a few events recently, and I always say that I'll try to make it - but never actually show up. I just don't feel comfortable and don't want to be grilled by his girlfriend anymore. He's even mentioned the fact that I haven't hung out with him and no longer extends these offers.

Should I bring this up with my friend? Or, if not, what is the best way to handle this?
When he brought this up he should have been told.

Next opportunity, if it comes up again, I'd tell him just what you posted. Just like that.
Nothing to lose anymore. This friendship may not last much longer regardless...
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:55 AM
Location: Colorado
11,628 posts, read 7,199,518 times
Reputation: 20946
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Your story is very interesting and sad, but you're talking about a 20 yr friendship since high school, these two work together in an office.

I would be willing to be it is a "casual friendship".

She even said they stand around and talk about work at these social events, which show their "work buddies" and nothing more. Keep it in the office and go out to lunch on work days.

Time to find friends outside of the workplace.

That's the smart way to do it. Keep your personal and professional life separate.

Yep, my point was that even when the friendship is a much more significant thing...it is silly to try and compete with a romantic interest.

Let ALONE with a more casual workplace friendship. Although I totally understand one's primary social circle being comprised of coworkers. I might suggest the OP to look into some interests outside of the workplace that could lead to friendships. Book or art clubs, bowling or pool teams, you name it. People everywhere like to get social around an activity they enjoy. Just find something ya like and go meet people while doing it. (Mine is concerts, and I've made about 50-60 friends I value and over 100 acquaintances traveling to various shows and networking about music interests.)

It's my belief that the right thing to do here though, is to back off diplomatically. If the relationship doesn't last and one day he wants to be friends again with no drama in the picture, then fine.

But the bottom line is when I sense drama, I am out. I won't play tug of war over a friend.

Also the problem with having friendship or a relationship with coworkers that stretches beyond work and into one's personal life, is if something happens (drama strikes!) and things stop being friendly, you still have to see that person every day at work. It can get awkward. I also refuse to be around my coworkers when they drink alcohol for what it's worth, because I had a boss who would get hammered and behave disgustingly and I could no longer respect her as a supervisor...that image was in my head forever.

Definitely something to be said for keeping those realms separate.
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