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Old 09-02-2014, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,768,056 times
Reputation: 9197

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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmyhoss View Post
Actually I'm very supportive, too much, so in that I usually do what's good for others,
Not for myself.
Don't care for the bride to be either.

I'm curious....is your dislike for the bride obvious? You went from being very close to your nephew to not close at all. I'm wondering if your dislike for the bride has anything to do with why you no longer stay in touch with your nephew.

You don't have to like the bride--your nephew does. So you'd rather not see your nephew get married and possibly offend your brother or sister just because you don't like the bride? There's a lot of information missing here.
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Old 09-02-2014, 05:03 PM
 
4,728 posts, read 4,456,559 times
Reputation: 9038
Don't go. Most people don't want someone there who doesn't want to be there; I know I wouldn't.
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:11 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,129,393 times
Reputation: 17198
You said you were older.

Just say the truth. "I'm not feeling up to a wedding but....blah blah blah" and include a gift.

It's not even a LIE.

Even if you don't like the kid, if you call personally. too it will go alot further than just the RSVP. And will give you the opportunity for a little self deprecating joke. "oh I'm old and crotchety right now and blah blah blah".
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:37 PM
 
421 posts, read 655,735 times
Reputation: 430
Ebenezer showed up for his nephew's Xmas dinner.
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Old 09-03-2014, 12:38 AM
 
Location: Kaliforneea
1,234 posts, read 937,261 times
Reputation: 2029
Dont go if you don't want to.

You are allowed to check the NO box for any reason... be that "my hemorrhoids are acting up, I'll be at my AA meeting at the same time, can't get a sitter, I planned a weekend in Vegas or Cancun 2 months ago..."

a wedding is a happy occasion, and I'm sure there is somebody else who would take your place, or -2 on the catering budget would help the bride & groom out.

choose whatever gift from the registry you can afford or feel good about and attach a nice note wishing them a wonderful life together!
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Old 09-03-2014, 04:53 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,497,465 times
Reputation: 29030
Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
Simply say thank you for the invitation but we will be unable to attend. We wish the both of you the very best. Gift optional.
That ^^^ is proper etiquette. You are never obligated to accept an invitation (a work assignment is not an invitation). You are not even obligated to send a wedding gift if you do not attend the wedding. You may send a present if you wish, but you don't have to. What is required is that you return the RSVP card, sending either your acceptance or your regrets, BY THE DEADLINE. That's information needed for the caterer or wedding planner.

To be polite and avoid family backlash, in addition to the RSVP, send a separate personal note or wedding card to the couple wishing them every happiness and good luck in the future.

If you are going to lie about why you aren't attending, make sure everyone to whom the invitation is addressed agrees on the same lie and deliver it with conviction. You don't even need to give a reason. Just say, "I'm so sorry but we already have other plans on that date." (You "plan" to stay in bed.)
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Old 09-03-2014, 06:54 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
15,568 posts, read 24,899,254 times
Reputation: 20790
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
What about events that you might host for your sons - their weddings etc.

I hate going to those things too. When summer started I had two events to attend and I geared myself for those two things - mom's birthday party and nieces wedding. One event a month - isn't much, but I hate to go ANYWHERE.

Then they threw in a bridal shower for niece. I bit the bullet and went. One of my sister's said she wasn't sure if she was going to the wedding. What if something came up? It made me mad since we always went to her kid and grandkids event. She wouldn't shut up about them, so I would go just to keep the peace.

But now I know her true feelings about other family members, her kids and grandkids might not see me at any more of their events.

If she would have only said, yes, I am going - "hope nothing keeps me away". She did go anyway.

Its over, I'm glad and now just have to gear myself up for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I wont do it. I will go to thier weddings obviously, and yikes, one is coming soon....but that's about it.

They already know I can't do it. I would never host any type of event for them. I just can't. Even when one of thier girlfriends parents wanted to meet me, my son told them no, I'm sorry my father wont do a formal meeting, come for coffee and cake for a half hour, then your good, but no, my father wont come to your house for a dinner.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
15,568 posts, read 24,899,254 times
Reputation: 20790
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sage 80 View Post
^^^^ I agree.

This is the child of one of your SIBLINGS--not some stranger. Your sibling should be important to you, even if your nephew isn't quite as important.

I cannot believe that you would hurt them by not attending their child's wedding. Marriage is typically the most important milestone in anyone's life. If they can afford it, parents want family at the wedding to celebrate with them their child reaching this milestone. It's incredibly insensitive and self-centered not to take this into consideration.

How hard is it to go to a celebration for a family member for a couple of hours? Leave early if 2 or 3 hours out of your life is too much to give.

Unless your sibling is your worst enemy, or the nephew did something really horrible to you, I cannot see any reason for you not to go.

You do not live alone in the world. If you are a civilized person you have to take other people's feelings into consideration. Some times we do things we do not necessarily FEEL like doing, but we do them because they are right.

when you have social anxiety, it is extremelly hard. ( but fortunetely when you are an adult, you ARE allowed to say no, not like when you are a child and your parents make you)

it isnt the time taken out of your life, it is the anxiety of it.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:18 AM
 
6,178 posts, read 4,962,998 times
Reputation: 12490
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler View Post
when you have social anxiety, it is extremelly hard. ( but fortunetely when you are an adult, you ARE allowed to say no, not like when you are a child and your parents make you)

it isnt the time taken out of your life, it is the anxiety of it.
So you have a valid reason. You made it seem like you wouldn't do these things because you didn't want to do them.

My brother has extreme PTSD. He didn't make my nieces wedding, but made a short appearance at the reception. The place was very crowded, so we knew that 30 minutes was it for him.

My other half also has PTSD - 100% VA disabled because of it - no way would I ask him to go anywhere like this.

I leave the house once a week at most. After years of traveling around with the military, I just want to stay home and enjoy a quiet peaceful life.

I am amazed at the people that can whiz around on the streets all day long.

My niece has another version of anxiety. She can't stand to be at home, so has to be out and about all the time. Of course then she complains about being tired. Her kids also suffer from anxiety attacks but are out doing all kinds of things. I think they do it so their constant activities will push the anxious feelings out of their heads/bodies.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:50 AM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 878,236 times
Reputation: 1971
I get the social anxiety issue from personal experience. There remain ways to minimize the discomfort for yourself while still not alienating/hurting family members (like, show up at the reception, do the reception line, leave a gift, and go--as one example. Or, get to the ceremony just as it's starting, zip out afterward, and leave the gift at the reception before the party begins).

If one has debilitating social anxiety, everyone in the family already knows that and likely doesn't expect that person to attend. Still, making the extra effort in spite of one's own discomfort is a kind thing to do.

I didn't get the impression that the OP had extreme anxiety about attending, though. I could be missing some subtext.
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