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Old 09-02-2014, 01:22 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,823 posts, read 2,397,596 times
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I would suggest not getting involved in the sister & husband problems too much but try to be involved in the child's life. If at any point you think the child is in danger or not being cared for properly you should intervene, maybe even call child services.

The poor kid.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:31 PM
 
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9mm
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:26 PM
 
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If your sister and lowlife BIL decided to never have kids, then I would say let them be. However, now that a child is on the way, it's not so easy to just walk away.

I worry about that child. My suggestion---your family should try their best to monitor the situation from afar, meaning that when they do get together with your sister try to get a feel for how things are going. Is the baby doing well and not being abused?

If your family suspects that any abuse of the baby is happening, then they need to get involved for the baby's sake. For example, make a call to CPS and explain in detail what is happening.

I'm concerned that if they stay together what this child will learn about relationships from watching his/her parents. If it is a boy, he will learn that it is okay to not work and sponge off his wife/girlfriend without even contributing to the running of the household. He will also think that it is okay to emotionally abuse women. If it is a girl, this is what she will subconsciously model when she is an adult. She will end up being attracted to the same type of man.

So...it's best to keep an eye on the unfolding situation from a distance.
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:27 PM
 
88 posts, read 85,595 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eddie1278 View Post
I think this thread is getting a tad off track thinking this is about me trying to tell her how to live. We are about 12 years too late for that. She has lived in her house with him for 10 years and the dated well before that.

This thread is mainly about what I SHOULD do on the day of the birth and after the baby is born.

Should i go to the hospital on the day of the birth? How do i react towards him at the hospital after the baby is born?
You need to put your feelings towards him aside and realize that you will be a Uncle soon. You say you love your sister so act like a brother and be there for her no matter what. As many have said "blood" is thicker than water.
We don't get to pick our relatives or who they marry or fall in love with. Your sister asked you to be there when she gives birth and she obviously wants to share that moment with you and by not showing up you basically are telling her that you don't care and are judging her based on who she choose to be with.

Your future niece or nephew is the innocent one in this drama. Tell me how you would feel if you knew that somebody you loved didn't show up to your birth based on who they married? Please swallow your pride & ego and realize that the birth of this child is more important than the pettiness you feel for the father.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:38 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,872 posts, read 13,541,035 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
I have not read most of the responses but most people do not give the type of advice I would in this situation.
But let me back up a minute. When this guy abused your sister, that should have been the end for him. It sounds like you tried to get involved and he beat you up as well. By not pressing charges, you probably ruined one of the best chances to separate them rather than depend on "his word" to not see her anymore. Short of you monitoring her 24/7/365, you just hoped/prayed they were not together. In reality they could have been discreet and continued on based on what has occurred. So instead of him going to jail again, you enabled him to remain free and be with her.

However that is the past, and if you didn't do anything about their relationship for 9+ years other than stew about it, what on earth do you think you are capable of doing about it now? ...
Wow, talk about blaming the victim ...

The OP's sister is the only person who can change this situation. The woman who got herself into this has to get herself out of it. No one can do it for her no matter how badly they may want to. Vector1 you think you would be powerful enough to get this guy out of her life, but even if you paid him a million dollars and he actually left the country, unless the woman has a TON of therapy and changes her mindset, she will find another guy who is just like him. The problem is not the guy — it's the woman's psyche.

Until she is clear in her OWN MIND that she is better off without her bad boy than with him, she will stay. Even if it endangers her children. Who do you think all these women are who stay in a marriage when they know their husband is sexually abusing their child? Who do you think the women are who fell in love with the Menendez brothers and married them AFTER they were already in prison? There are thousands of women who get into this kind of relationship. Education has nothing to do with it. Loving families don't help. It's no different than heroin addiction. You can take the needle out of the addict's arm and she'll say "Thanks for saving me," but turn your back and she'll buy another fix. SHE has to change, not the situation.

It wouldn't have made a whit of difference if the OP had pressed charges all those years ago. It just would have caused the OP more personal trouble as well as legal woes. She married this guy against all advice from her family. She thinks this is love. She will take his side against her brother any day of the week. No one — not her mother, not her brother, not her friends — can fix this for her. They could kidnap her and she will run away to him with some Romeo and Juliet story in her head.

Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 09-02-2014 at 08:52 PM..
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Old 09-03-2014, 05:35 AM
 
38,080 posts, read 14,878,695 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
The OP's sister is the only person who can change this situation. The woman who got herself into this has to get herself out of it. No one can do it for her no matter how badly they may want to. Vector1 you think you would be powerful enough to get this guy out of her life, but even if you paid him a million dollars and he actually left the country, unless the woman has a TON of therapy and changes her mindset, she will find another guy who is just like him. The problem is not the guy it's the woman's psyche.

Until she is clear in her OWN MIND that she is better off without her bad boy than with him, she will stay. Even if it endangers her children. Who do you think all these women are who stay in a marriage when they know their husband is sexually abusing their child? Who do you think the women are who fell in love with the Menendez brothers and married them AFTER they were already in prison? There are thousands of women who get into this kind of relationship. Education has nothing to do with it. Loving families don't help. It's no different than heroin addiction. You can take the needle out of the addict's arm and she'll say "Thanks for saving me," but turn your back and she'll buy another fix. SHE has to change, not the situation.

It wouldn't have made a whit of difference if the OP had pressed charges all those years ago. It just would have caused the OP more personal trouble as well as legal woes. She married this guy against all advice from her family. She thinks this is love. She will take his side against her brother any day of the week. No one not her mother, not her brother, not her friends can fix this for her. They could kidnap her and she will run away to him with some Romeo and Juliet story in her head.
The good news is that some women do wake up and smell the coffee once the baby arrives. As far as I can determine, they transfer that nurturing to the baby and are appalled to come home one day and realize that the baby's diapers haven't been changed all day or that she's had it with his pouting over not getting all the attention or ...

Many women who stick by men who abuse their children often do so because they can't figure out how to support themselves or their kids without him so they turn a blind eye. That is not this sister's situation.

Regardless of what she what choices she makes from now on, she has a tough row to hoe.
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Old 09-03-2014, 04:57 PM
 
5,702 posts, read 16,177,858 times
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Go to the hospital to see your sister. Most things change after a child comes. She is going to get tired of him.
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