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Old 09-01-2014, 04:32 PM
 
1 posts, read 999 times
Reputation: 10

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My son is in a relationship that is not good for him. They produced a daughter together who is now five y/o. My son has been in this relationship for five years off and on. The relationship started when he had a weekend job in the area where she was living in a section 8 apartment with her two children from previous relationships. My son later brought a house and got a room rented in the house. All of a sudden his girlfriend is pregnant and says she needs to leave her apartment because she gave up her place and it's already been rented. My son got rid of the tenant and allowed her to come to live with him. She did not keep the house clean and caused the house to become dirty and worn by allowing her children to drop food and drink on the carpet. My son who worked two jobs was too tired to confront her. Within a year the house looked old. The my granddaughter was born and the relationship began to get weak. They had agruments because she wanted my son to buy something for her other children everytime he brought something for his daughter. My son lost his part-time job and asked her to look for a job. She didn't want to look for a job so I found her one at Shoppers on the weekends. Even though she worked on Weekends, she still called in sick one day every weekend. Due to my son paying all the bills, the house got behind in the mortgage and he started working on remodification with the mortgage company. Before long, he got extremely behind in the mortgage and then began to work on a short sale. The real estate agent asked him to please get the place in shape to show the house. The relationship got worse because she stopped working at Shoppers. My son got mad and wanted her to leave. I got involved and asked her to find a place to live. I took her to section 8 to apply for housing again. She up and left the house without notice to live with her sister leaving all of her things for me and my son to pack and ship to her sister's house. The house looked so bad that people were giving low bids that the mortgage company would not accept. My son had to file bankruptcy and did a deed in lieu. Then my son came to live with me again to get on his feet. He had to get a lawyer to get visitation because she was angry and would not let him see his daugher. After the court award him visitation and when he started visiting his daughter, the mother expressed how sorry she was and how much she misses him. Then the relationship starts up again. Now he is dating her again while living with me. My son wants me to forgive her, accept her and have her over for dinner. He says he wants to marry her. I told him he behaves like a man going through an abrusive relationship and now in the honeymoon stage. I told him, I am not feeling it. I told him he's in this relationship without me. He is so in love, that he goes to her city to see his daughter and spends the night there which leaves me not seeing my granddaughter sometimes. I do not want to be apart of this relationship. I told him to leave me out of it and if the marriage happens I will be at the wedding and love her but I want to see them only holidays because of what she chose to take my son through. Please tell me whether I am wrong of not for feeling this way about the to be or not to be daughter-in-law. She is a user and I do not want her to use me. Your feed back is very helpful.
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Old 09-02-2014, 08:02 AM
 
Location: DMV
10,136 posts, read 11,612,783 times
Reputation: 3181
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyface30 View Post
My son is in a relationship that is not good for him. They produced a daughter together who is now five y/o. My son has been in this relationship for five years off and on. The relationship started when he had a weekend job in the area where she was living in a section 8 apartment with her two children from previous relationships. My son later brought a house and got a room rented in the house. All of a sudden his girlfriend is pregnant and says she needs to leave her apartment because she gave up her place and it's already been rented. My son got rid of the tenant and allowed her to come to live with him. She did not keep the house clean and caused the house to become dirty and worn by allowing her children to drop food and drink on the carpet. My son who worked two jobs was too tired to confront her. Within a year the house looked old. The my granddaughter was born and the relationship began to get weak. They had agruments because she wanted my son to buy something for her other children everytime he brought something for his daughter. My son lost his part-time job and asked her to look for a job. She didn't want to look for a job so I found her one at Shoppers on the weekends. Even though she worked on Weekends, she still called in sick one day every weekend. Due to my son paying all the bills, the house got behind in the mortgage and he started working on remodification with the mortgage company. Before long, he got extremely behind in the mortgage and then began to work on a short sale. The real estate agent asked him to please get the place in shape to show the house. The relationship got worse because she stopped working at Shoppers. My son got mad and wanted her to leave. I got involved and asked her to find a place to live. I took her to section 8 to apply for housing again. She up and left the house without notice to live with her sister leaving all of her things for me and my son to pack and ship to her sister's house. The house looked so bad that people were giving low bids that the mortgage company would not accept. My son had to file bankruptcy and did a deed in lieu. Then my son came to live with me again to get on his feet. He had to get a lawyer to get visitation because she was angry and would not let him see his daugher. After the court award him visitation and when he started visiting his daughter, the mother expressed how sorry she was and how much she misses him. Then the relationship starts up again. Now he is dating her again while living with me. My son wants me to forgive her, accept her and have her over for dinner. He says he wants to marry her. I told him he behaves like a man going through an abrusive relationship and now in the honeymoon stage. I told him, I am not feeling it. I told him he's in this relationship without me. He is so in love, that he goes to her city to see his daughter and spends the night there which leaves me not seeing my granddaughter sometimes. I do not want to be apart of this relationship. I told him to leave me out of it and if the marriage happens I will be at the wedding and love her but I want to see them only holidays because of what she chose to take my son through. Please tell me whether I am wrong of not for feeling this way about the to be or not to be daughter-in-law. She is a user and I do not want her to use me. Your feed back is very helpful.
Not sure this is the section that you want to put this in, but I will give you my two cents. Your son is making, what appears to be, some poor decisions. As hard as it is for you to accept, you need to stay out of their relationship. I definitely believe your feelings are valid and you have every reason to feel the way you do about her and their relationship but I have learned that sometimes people have to learn on their own. I have experienced situations within my own family where you are helping others who can't seem to get out of their own way, and it's tough but you may have to show him tough love. I will tell you what I would do, but I know not a lot of people would take my advice, but if I were in your position, I would kick him out. That's just me. Kicking him out will hopefully get him to seeing why he is in that position in the first place and it's not because of you because you didn't dirty his house up, cause him to lose his job or birth a child that he responsible for. If he chooses to stay with her, then that's something you have to accept but that doesn't mean you have to bail him out of his poor decision that come as a result of his relationship. Sometimes with family you have to put your foot down because they will see you as a security blanket and use you as a means to continue to make the same decisions.

Why do I say that? Because you are enabling him by having him there. He made the decision to continue his relationship with her in spite of everything that she has done. You are giving him the means to continue this relationship. It's clearly a toxic relationship and it will continue as long as he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of their relationship. As long as he has a place to stay and food on the table, he is going to stay with her. This isn't about someone that is in an abusive relationship as much as this is about someone that has low self-esteem (your son) and his inability to see his value. Who he chooses to date is a reflection of how he feels about himself. You do have to treat it like he has a drug addiction, but his relationship is kind of like one. Think about it like this, if he was going out using crack (God forbid he ever does), and that was the cause of him to have all the issues he did, do you as a parent keep providing the means to continue his addiction or do you say look you have to make a choice of what you're going to do, but I am no longer supporting you if things go bad. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with your son or even her, but family sometimes will pull on you until you have nothing left to give just because they don't want to deal with their own problems.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:49 AM
 
23,851 posts, read 19,796,172 times
Reputation: 9381
This is a part of humanity that I will never even begin to understand. Such strife is so unnecessary. Life does not have to be this hard, and I am fortunate that the people in my life are good decision-makers.

Personally, I'd stay far, far away from this situation or you (and your wallet) will be dragged into it unwillingly.

They are adults. Let them handle it. Let them learn from the many mistakes that they are making. What makes me sad is that two non-functioning adults have brought children into this world. That should be a crime.

Nevertheless, good luck.
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Old 09-04-2014, 05:58 AM
 
131 posts, read 283,122 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyface30 View Post
I told him he's in this relationship without me. He is so in love, that he goes to her city to see his daughter and spends the night there which leaves me not seeing my granddaughter sometimes. I do not want to be apart of this relationship. I told him to leave me out of it and if the marriage happens I will be at the wedding and love her but I want to see them only holidays because of what she chose to take my son through. Please tell me whether I am wrong of not for feeling this way about the to be or not to be daughter-in-law. She is a user and I do not want her to use me. Your feed back is very helpful.
Whatever you do, you need to make up your mind.

You can't tell your son he's "on his own" if he continues to see her, then complain about not seeing your grand daughter, and then want to see them on holidays.
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