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Old 09-02-2014, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn New York
15,581 posts, read 24,992,689 times
Reputation: 20839

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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
You have to remember here that you are the girlfriend , not the wife and honestly if my spouse ever suggested to me that I need to limit my calls with my family , I would be looking for a new spouse . No one and I mean no one ever butts into my family relationship or anything to do btwn my family and me .If you want to run this fella off the way you are acting is a good way to do it .

and if this keeps happening, the girlfriend will never become the wife, and ritefully so. she should be running for the hills.
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:19 PM
 
Location: MA
1,623 posts, read 1,338,009 times
Reputation: 3017
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
She sounds lonely. Of course she's needy - she's an 78 yr old widow who lives 1000 miles from her son. Does she have other children or other family nearby? Does she have friends? Sounds unlikely. Have some compassion.
She has another son five minutes away things aren't as bad as it sounds.
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,533 posts, read 24,125,101 times
Reputation: 48896
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormynh View Post
Is this wrong of me? I think he can at least limit her to one call a day for goodness sakes....
I don't think there would be a thing wrong or unloving with him saying a few times. "Mom, I love talking to you, but I can't right now. How about I call you back after dinner (on my lunch hour/whatever)?" And then screening her calls afterward. I love my mom, but I don't need to talk to her five times a day.
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,765,146 times
Reputation: 4036
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler View Post
exactly .


it is not normal for a grown man to call his mother 5 times a day.
sorry, I would run for the hills.

you will never come first, his mother will.
I agree. I would run away from this situation as quickly as I could. But, that's just me...
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:43 PM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,684,567 times
Reputation: 41119
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormynh View Post
My boyfriend is 43 years old and a an officer in the Air Force, but, he still needs help with this His 78 year old needy widowed mother of 30 years ago called 5 and to 8 times a day and berates him or complains. She lives 1000 miles, away, but, he takes most of her calls and I'm telling him he needs to limit them since she isn't going to stop calling him as long as he answers and listens quietly on the other end. Is this wrong of me? I think he can at least limit her to one call a day for goodness sakes....
If it's not affecting you directly, just drop it.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:06 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK View Post
She sounds lonely. Of course she's needy - she's an 78 yr old widow who lives 1000 miles from her son. Does she have other children or other family nearby? Does she have friends? Sounds unlikely. Have some compassion.
My thoughts exactly.

Dear me. If son wishes to limit the calls, he will set boundaries.

Frankly, anyone who is complaining about their boyfriend's 78 y/o widowed mother calling him (I don't care how often) is NOT going to be a caring, compassionate daughter-in-law.

Do you have any idea, OP, what most people's health status is like at 78? And how confusing the world can seem? And how TRULY NEEDY a person can be for help from their son? And how scary it would be to know that he is 1000 miles away -- can't get there in a hurry?

As another poster suggested, you need to go read on the Cargiver's forum to get some insight into what it is like to be 78, widowed and your son 1000 miles away.

You make it sound like there is something shameful about a 43 year old man answering his mother's phone calls. He is not a "momma's boy" -- that would be the situation if HE were calling HER asking her advice on every move he makes in his life. What he is doing is being a MAN, trying to caretake over the phone since he can't be there in person.

If he wants his mom to cut back on the calls, he will figure out how to do that. But he may be trying to manage what could be a real crisis on the horizon with her needing in-home assistance, placement in an Assisted Living Facility, or trying to assess if she has a health crisis she is not getting treated for. He may be thinking -- if he is getting calls, that may be in his mind reassurance that she is alive!!!
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Not where you ever lived
11,544 posts, read 25,985,320 times
Reputation: 6248
The motor - son relationship is special and unique to each family and each situation. It is not a love triangle.

The girlfriend/wife/significant other/third person who tries to interfere become the interloper, the unwelcome, and sometimes the most hated.

Son does not love (or even like) the girlfriend/wife/significant other on the same level as he does his mother. It is a place s/he cannot go as it is reserved for his mother only.

It ends at death. The only question the girlfriend/wife/significant other can answer is if they want to stay around for the ride. It can be long and tortuous.

My MIL lived to age 99. Her 4 sons saw her every day, talked on the phone every day, was at the hospital every day she was, and they were by her bedside when she died. The oldest son was 80.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:48 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
14,686 posts, read 8,472,440 times
Reputation: 29360
Quote:
Originally Posted by G0DDESS View Post
His life, his mother, his relationship with her and his choice. I'd suggest you stay out of it.

Put up with it or mind your own damn business.
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Old 09-02-2014, 05:18 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,190,943 times
Reputation: 17199
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightcrawler View Post
exactly .


it is not normal for a grown man to call his mother 5 times a day.
sorry, I would run for the hills.

you will never come first, his mother will.
The mother calls HIM; he's not calling HER.
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Old 09-02-2014, 05:36 PM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,190,943 times
Reputation: 17199
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormynh View Post
She has another son five minutes away things aren't as bad as it sounds.
Ok according to your posting history you're still married in a messy situation and getting divorced, filed a recent bankruptcy, have been refused a job because of your credit score/bankruptcy, only known the guy a short time, and he recently finished a military deployment after two years.

You also posted a thread questioning if his never being married was a red flag.

If I were your mom, I'd be advising you to slow DOWN. Your tone is very pointed right now. "He NEEDS to set boundaries".

Who are you to say?

Tap the brakes, gurl, you don't really know what's going on with his family. My kid has a trust fund and not a SINGLE GIRL ever knew.

It takes 18 months to get to know someone at a basic level and three years to get to know all their "stuff".

But I can GUARANTEE YOU causing trouble by complaining about or "advising" him about his family is a losing proposition. And staying in a situation that you don't like is also a losing proposition.

And as a mother of a son, I'd be saying "WHAT do you see in THIS girl?" LOL

He's already paying for your beauty salon trips, right?

Nice guy. If that type of family dynamic is not your gig, you should honestly address it with yourself and then him. It's going to escalate not disappear and he deserves a supportive, contributing wife IF he happens to find someone who is a good match. It definitely wouldn't work for me, I've already been through it with my OWN parents.

Also if you have parents your day will come and maybe sooner than later. So there are multiple parent problems in the equation.

Last edited by runswithscissors; 09-02-2014 at 05:45 PM..
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