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She has another son five minutes away things aren't as bad as it sounds.
The only person who thinks it "sounds bad" is evidently you, as you are the one thinking you need to somehow change how this man intereacts with his mother, who is 1000 miles away. Doesn't matter if she has 5 kids living 10 feet from her - she stays in contact with her son and he accepts her calls. That is their business, not yours.
Ok according to your posting history you're still married in a messy situation and getting divorced, filed a recent bankruptcy, have been refused a job because of your credit score/bankruptcy, only known the guy a short time, and he recently finished a military deployment after two years.
Oh my..... !
The OP has enough drama in her life as it is; looking for more with his mom is crazy....
The OP has enough drama in her life as it is; looking for more with his mom is crazy....
A lot of times, women think they are going to "set the rules" for how things are going to be in the relationship and they often start with how much time boyfriend spends with his parents. Next, it is how much time he spends with (or how much time he interacts with) his friends.
After all, it is much much much easier to "manage" (or . . . manipulate) anyone who has been basically isolated from family and friends.
Ok according to your posting history you're still married in a messy situation and getting divorced, filed a recent bankruptcy, have been refused a job because of your credit score/bankruptcy, only known the guy a short time, and he recently finished a military deployment after two years.
You also posted a thread questioning if his never being married was a red flag.
If I were your mom, I'd be advising you to slow DOWN. Your tone is very pointed right now. "He NEEDS to set boundaries".
Who are you to say?
Tap the brakes, gurl, you don't really know what's going on with his family. My kid has a trust fund and not a SINGLE GIRL ever knew.
It takes 18 months to get to know someone at a basic level and three years to get to know all their "stuff".
But I can GUARANTEE YOU causing trouble by complaining about or "advising" him about his family is a losing proposition. And staying in a situation that you don't like is also a losing proposition.
And as a mother of a son, I'd be saying "WHAT do you see in THIS girl?" LOL
He's already paying for your beauty salon trips, right?
Nice guy. If that type of family dynamic is not your gig, you should honestly address it with yourself and then him. It's going to escalate not disappear and he deserves a supportive, contributing wife IF he happens to find someone who is a good match. It definitely wouldn't work for me, I've already been through it with my OWN parents.
Also if you have parents your day will come and maybe sooner than later. So there are multiple parent problems in the equation.
OP:
Why are you involved with a guy when you are still married? Your divorce has not been finalized.
Okay, the woman is 78 years of age. She has recently become a widow. The statistics for survival of a spouse is 3 to 5 years. You are not gaining any points with your boyfriend by telling him how much communication with his mother he is comfortable with. If you want to keep him, then it would be best for you to ride this out for 3 to 5 years longer or move on. It's your choice. And one more thing, how can this woman be a threat to you? She is a "grieving widow". Your boyfriend may also be a "grieving son".
One for his elderly mother, and one for his deceased father.
His mother is in a heavy grief period of her life, and the contact with her so may be the only thing that keeps her going. The way you see it, it would be better if she went out and killed herself, rather than let her son help her through what is the most difficult period of her life.
It certainly shows your boy friend that you are not one to stand by for him, if he ever needs some one to help him through a rough period of his life.
Sure he wishes she did not call so much, which would mean she has her intense grieving under control. But while she is in this heavy grief mode, he understands and he is there for her. Too bad, you are not the type of person that realizes at this time his mother needs his support, instead of being angry he is there for her, and not giving you all of his attention. It shows he is a real high quality man, and you are showing you are a shallow me, me, me type of woman.
Okay, the woman is 78 years of age. She has recently become a widow. The statistics for survival of a spouse is 3 to 5 years. You are not gaining any points with your boyfriend by telling him how much communication with his mother he is comfortable with. If you want to keep him, then it would be best for you to ride this out for 3 to 5 years longer or move on. It's your choice. And one more thing, how can this woman be a threat to you? She is a "grieving widow". Your boyfriend may also be a "grieving son".
One for his elderly mother, and one for his deceased father.
She became a widow thirty years ago. It is amazing how this topic got turned all around and upside down. I guess I am better off without all this "advice". We are doing fabulous without it thanks for the help though
She became a widow thirty years ago. It is amazing how this topic got turned all around and upside down. I guess I am better off without all this "advice". We are doing fabulous without it thanks for the help though
It doesn't matter if she became a widow last week or 30 years ago.
The situation is -- you think you have the right to interfere in how this man is conducting his life and his relationship with his mother.
That is between them.
I am sure you think you are better off without this advice, as you put it, as you aren't hearing what you want to hear. This post was to bolster your opinion that somehow the man in question is being overly solicitous with his mother and that makes him less of a man. You expected to get responses agreeing with you so you could continue trying to shame a son for being caring about his mother.
You've gotten excellent advice from many folks who took the time to honestly respond to you.
The beauty of a forum is - you don't have to take anyone's advice, lol. Forge ahead with your manipulative behaviors. See how that works for you.
You say he needs to set limits on her but in reality you are trying to set limits on him. If he isn't setting limits then he must not really want to and if you push it, he will probably wind up resenting you.
I think the reason she calls him so often even though she has another son so nearby is precisely because she has the son so close and your BF is so far away. She can visit the nearby son but the only communication she has with the distant son is by phone.
It might also be that she could be getting a bit senile and doesn't even realize she is calling so often. It's just a guess but at 78 it could also be a possibilty.
I guess you have gotten the message by now that most here feel that if you try to change things it will only work out badly for you. I agree with this. I married a man who had a very meddling mother. She became a very meddling mother-in-law. She was so bad, two sisters-in-law gave his brothers the ultimatum either move out of state or divorce. They wound up moving.
I tried it. Guess who hubs chose? Hint: We wound up divorcing.
So before your relationship becomes any more serious, just think about how much you are willing to deal with. I don't think your BF's mother's calls from 1000 miles away given her age and the circumastances are all that bad. But you have to decide now if they are a dealbreaker especially if you want to go forward with your relationship.
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