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Old 09-07-2014, 10:25 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,310,145 times
Reputation: 12914

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I just found out that my first husband's father has cancer, a fairly bad type and is undergoing treatment but the outlook is not good and I don't know if he will live out the year.

I have no real relationship with my ex in-laws, and my ex-husband and I do not communicate with any regularity. Our daughter is an adult now so there really isn't anything to communicate about, plus we have been divorced for 15 years. There's no animosity, just no relationship at all. I like my former sister's in law well enough and we are friends on FB, but they both live far away so it is not as though we get together.

I guess I don't know my place here, if I should go to the wake at least. I would go and support my daughter, of course, but she will have all of her other family there. I just wonder if I should put in an appearance to pay my respects.

What would you do? What have you done when the situation has come up?
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:28 PM
 
35,120 posts, read 40,051,684 times
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If your daughter asks you to go with her then go, otherwise send a sympathy card or do nothing.
I don't think there is a wrong choice here. I did not go to my ex in laws wake/funeral however, my ex husband and I haven't spoken since the day he moved out.
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:36 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,804 posts, read 41,495,107 times
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Yes, I would go.
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Old 09-07-2014, 11:20 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,012 posts, read 22,782,526 times
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I would not go. If I haven't had any relationship with people, and I don't want one, then I don't go where I will be required to have one.

For instance, I loved my in-laws, but I don't want my ex to even know where I live, let alone let him see me or have to strike up a conversation with him.

If my daughter begged me to go, I'd consider it. Otherwise, no way, Jose.
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Old 09-07-2014, 11:53 PM
 
Location: Toronto, Canada
76 posts, read 84,625 times
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If your daughter wants you to go, then you should go to support her. Otherwise, I would stay away.
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Old 09-08-2014, 12:25 AM
 
10,812 posts, read 8,026,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
I guess I don't know my place here, if I should go to the wake at least. I would go and support my daughter, of course, but she will have all of her other family there. I just wonder if I should put in an appearance to pay my respects.

What would you do? What have you done when the situation has come up?
If I live within a short drive - say 45 minute or so - I make it a point to show up. Otherwise I send a note and/or flowers or acknowledgment that I've given to charity in the deceased's name.
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:01 AM
 
Location: Tennessee/Michigan
28,194 posts, read 47,542,261 times
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I consider them family and would go.
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:17 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,066,208 times
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If I were you I will definitely go. Because what ever happens between me and my ex got nothing to with other members of the family. That is how I think. Decision is yours. He is ill and never know will live long.
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Old 09-08-2014, 06:04 AM
 
5,897 posts, read 6,680,234 times
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When my ex and I split, what was a normal and friendly relationship with the in-laws turned mean and nasty on their part. Lord knows what vitriol my ex told them, but it was silly that people who were close suddenly had a mile wide gulch between them.

It was wrong that when the former in-laws died there was no opportunity for me to show my respects. In your case OP, if the door is open for you to attend some portion of the service, then by all means go, pay your respects, say your goodbyes, and walk out the door with your head held high that you did the right thing.

Playing these little games over a marriage that ended is just dumb. Life is too short. If you want to go, go. For your own sake, not necessarily for the sake of anyone else (like your daughter).
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Old 09-08-2014, 06:16 AM
 
37,948 posts, read 14,793,071 times
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If you just want to pay your respects, you can do it with a card, a donation, or flowers.

Funerals are to celebrate the life and support the bereaved. As you have no real relationship with either your ex or his parents at this point, it is hard to imagine how your presence would be supportive.

That leaves the sister. Would she care?

If your daughter tells you she would like you to be there, then by all means. If she is fine with leaning on her father during this grieving for grandpa, then let it go.
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