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Old 09-11-2014, 08:57 AM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 863,085 times
Reputation: 1562

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post

He's only going to change if he has no other choice. He has to want to change and make the effort himself. Like you said, he was like this 10 years ago, and look at him now. Same old deadbeat brother.

The best thing you can do for him is tough love. Don't let him pull your heart strings by telling you he's depressed. Tell him, here's the number for the county mental health clinic. They can help you. I'm not a professional.
Thanks this is so true! In the past, I tried to help the best way I knew how and it did no good. We are just back around where we started.

My younger brother has not been around this merry-go-round before so I understand where he's coming from. He is where I was 10 years ago helping the best way he knows how. I am not discouraging him because I know he feels he is doing the right thing. I will just have to let this play out for now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
This may sound bad, but your brother is the ultimate manipulator. He has probably sold his car and lost his job for alcohol and drugs, and the only way he will hit rock bottom is when his family will no longer enable him.
^^^ This was exactly my take on the situation when it happened. ^^^
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Old 09-11-2014, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,934 posts, read 6,466,155 times
Reputation: 44212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
You didn't read my post. I am not upset that he is staying with my brother, I am upset with him for coming here without telling anyone first. No one knew he was coming. He could have called, told us he needed help and we would have had time to formulate a plan.
It's obvious that poster only wanted to start a fight.

You are also probably correct that she didn't read it.

Sometimes tough love must be done. He's had plenty of chances and doesn't seem to be to want to right himself.
Especially since he can't afford it the smoking and drinking would bother me a lot.
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Old 09-11-2014, 09:55 AM
 
37,892 posts, read 14,756,648 times
Reputation: 24207
I used to work with people who were homeless. I can't tell you how many times one would say that some family member would allow them to live in their home if only they had a way to get there.

I would call and the sister, aunt, cousin... would say, "Absolutely not." Then they'd launch into how poorly the last visit had gone.

My favorite was the one about how the last time he's shown up with two underage prostitutes from Mexico and the family had to chip in to buy them bus tickets back home.

Sometimes, a long-suffering parent would say sure and the county would buy them a bus ticket and off they'd go.

Happens all the time.
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Old 09-11-2014, 10:00 AM
 
Location: CO/UT/AZ/NM Catch me if you can!
4,697 posts, read 4,333,575 times
Reputation: 10278
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
My brother just showed up here Sunday night without telling anyone he was coming!

He is in his forties and drinks a lot and hasn't had a steady job in a long time. He was living in another state and got kicked out for not having a job. I talked to him a couple of months ago and told him not to move until he had a job lined up. The job market here is not great, especially for what he wants/used to do. I also told him in very clear terms that you NEED a car. He showed up this weekend with no car, no money, and no job. He was at a bus station waiting around for one of us to pick him up late on a Sunday night. He had a car when I talked to him a few months ago. I am not sure I want to know what happened to it. He didn't even bring money for a taxi! This shows zero respect for anyone who has to get up early for work or get kids up for school. Finally my other brother went and got him after getting off working a double at the hospital.

I am still mad at him for this. I find it so manipulative. He knows that if he informed us (myself and my other brother) ahead of time we would discourage him from coming. I told him he couldn't live with me but could only stay a short time IF he had a job lined up AND had a car. I know he thought if he just showed up we would take pity on him and take him in. So aggravating. Nobody has money to feed him, buy him cigarettes or beer.

I refused to let him stay with me. I don't have room and because he doesn't have a car, he would be sitting in the house all day waiting for me to come home and drive him places. He actually did live with me about 10 years ago and it didn't end well. I ended up kicking him out for getting drunk and passing out on the dining room floor. He is staying with my other brother, who at least is on the bus line. We'll see how long that lasts. I think as long as he has a place to stay, he won't be motivated to look for a job.

I am torn between wanting to help him because he is my brother and knowing that most likely I will only be enabling him. UGH!

I wanted to thank the posters on here who wrote about having relatives wanting to live with you and have you support them or having to kick them out. And I also wanted to thank everyone who posted on the "Care and Feeding of the Monkeys" thread. I have been reading a lot on here and have seen a lot of good advice that helped me stick to my convictions. The best thing is knowing that I am not alone.

I want to help, but I am not sure what kind of help I can offer because I don't want to enable him. This has been going on for way too long. Also, having him live here would completely derail my life. Financially and in other ways. I might be willing to pay that price if I thought he could turn his life around. History tells me this has a very slim chance of happening.

The circus is in town....but it isn't mine so I am not feeding the monkeys. Or cleaning up their poop.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
Have you considered going to an al-anon meeting? The members there are very supportive and you'll know that you're not alone irl as well as on the board. Plus, they'll give you support for not enabling your brother, so you won't have to go around feeling like the world's biggest meanie. The best help you can give your brother is to demand that he act like a responsible adult. Otherwise, he can choose between life on the streets with booze or life indoors sober with a job, no matter how humble. End of discussion.

Has your brother ever been in rehab? Because the other thing you can do to help him is to line up an intervention and send him in for treatment. My state has several rehabs available that take in low income people. Depending on the rules in your state, your brother may also qualify for medicaid. He would in Colorado. Medicaid will cover the costs of a 30 day rehab program. It might be worth checking into. Then you can give your brother a third option: the street and his booze; sober up get a job and stay indoors; or, three, check into a treatment center.

Best of luck to you. You're in a no win situation and it's very hard. My father was an alcoholic and I went thru the same sort of stuff you're going through now. No fun at all.

Yours,
Rambler
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Old 09-11-2014, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Houston, TX
17,032 posts, read 26,804,579 times
Reputation: 16189
As a bachelor, I have a few people I was friends with in the past act like this. Same story...they show up on your doorstep with a sob story and need help for 'a little bit'. The first couple days/week they are ideal 'guests'. Then they get comfortable and try to persuade you to let them stay.

Its like feeding a stray. They keep coming back if there is free food and shelter. Sometimes you have to be an ******* up front, and point them in a direction to get their life straight.
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Old 09-11-2014, 10:58 AM
 
5,839 posts, read 5,674,107 times
Reputation: 5171
so they don't have money for rent but they have money for alcohol and cigarettes? hmm. and they want you to take care of them? so they can buy more alcohol and cigs?
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Old 09-11-2014, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,934 posts, read 6,466,155 times
Reputation: 44212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oildog View Post
As a bachelor, I have a few people I was friends with in the past act like this. Same story...they show up on your doorstep with a sob story and need help for 'a little bit'. The first couple days/week they are ideal 'guests'. Then they get comfortable and try to persuade you to let them stay.

Its like feeding a stray. They keep coming back if there is free food and shelter. Sometimes you have to be an ******* up front, and point them in a direction to get their life straight.
Had that happen to me once.

It was a strain on the friendship so it ended.
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Old 09-11-2014, 11:39 AM
 
6,268 posts, read 3,383,752 times
Reputation: 3451
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
I used to work with people who were homeless. I can't tell you how many times one would say that some family member would allow them to live in their home if only they had a way to get there.

I would call and the sister, aunt, cousin... would say, "Absolutely not." Then they'd launch into how poorly the last visit had gone.
I can relate ..... I used to work drug/alcohol detox (many are homeless.) I recall one who had a brother who had said he could stay with him if he stopped drinking (guy was a nasty drunk.) It would seem that proved impossible.
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:20 PM
 
37,892 posts, read 14,756,648 times
Reputation: 24207
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minethatbird View Post
I can relate ..... I used to work drug/alcohol detox (many are homeless.) I recall one who had a brother who had said he could stay with him if he stopped drinking (guy was a nasty drunk.) It would seem that proved impossible.
Heard that a time or two.

Invariably, the person who was homeless would respond with sad resignation or indignation. Nobody was going to tell him what to do.

Sadly, many of these people have serious and persistent mental health problems. They refuse treatment and cause a commotion wherever they land.
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Old 09-11-2014, 12:23 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,503 posts, read 74,405,087 times
Reputation: 47894
no he does not want to live with you he wants to live off you.
do not give your power away.
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