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Old 09-11-2014, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,303 posts, read 7,880,761 times
Reputation: 53336

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I have a friend who got a call from her husbands childhood friend begging them to go to his place and guard his things that were strewn about on the lawn after his house was repossessed. Like the good people that they are they sat there for a couple of hours until he showed up. My friends husband has Leukemia and is not physically able to do much, yet there he was helping his friend load up the truck. He also conned his way into living with them with the understanding that he would pay $300 a month. Four months came and went without him giving them a dime. They finally kicked him out and he said that he didn't have anywhere else to go. They had had enough and told him that it wasn't their problem. He had a job and he wasn't addicted to any substance, he just wanted everyone else to take care of him the way his parents did every time he had a problem. He never grew up and continued to be irresponsible. Add to the mix of that scenario a chemical addiction and that creates a whole different monster. OP while your younger brother feels that he's doing the right thing he probably won't see what's coming. He has to walk in his own shoes on this one. The best you can do is stay firm about not taking your brother in and just being there for your younger brother when the crap hits the fan. I agree with the sound advice of another poster to have a line of homeless shelters in place. It never ceases to amaze me the effort people put into trying to get everyone else to take responsibility for their lives. It's really pathetic isn't it.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:57 PM
 
6,474 posts, read 10,382,904 times
Reputation: 6346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
You didn't read my post. I am not upset that he is staying with my brother, I am upset with him for coming here without telling anyone first. No one knew he was coming. He could have called, told us he needed help and we would have had time to formulate a plan.
Maybe he knew you didn't want him there. You said you told him numerous times not to come back to where you guys live without a job or a car.

I don't know your family dynamics or what he did, but life isn't always so black and white.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:01 PM
 
6,474 posts, read 10,382,904 times
Reputation: 6346
Quote:
Originally Posted by John13 View Post
It's obvious that poster only wanted to start a fight.
No, I didn't. Nothing in my post reflected that at all.

Quote:
You are also probably correct that she didn't read it.
Yes, I did. I read the entire thing. What I got from it was that the OP's brother was telling her and the other family members for awhile that he NEEDED to come back home, because life where he was is a disaster.

It's messed up that life can't be perfect for every member of one's family, but things happen. If her brother is a substance abuser, then his younger brother will know what to do. He'll have no choice, but to put him out.
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Old 09-11-2014, 02:34 PM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
756 posts, read 879,903 times
Reputation: 1971
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
Yep, that is why I came here to vent instead of venting to my younger brother. He is in a totally different place than me and thinks he can help get my brother set up with a job, etc. I sincerely hope that it works this time. It is hard to sit back and do nothing because I am worried that my younger brother will get hurt or taken advantage of the way I was, but I know I can't do anything to stop it. It's so hard with family because emotions are involved and it's such a helpless feeling. But I can pray and I can stand by in case my younger brother needs me.
You can offer a ride to interviews, or to work, if he gets a job. You can offer to take him to GoodWill for work clothes. You can offer a ride to his 12-step program.

You can invite them to dinner once a week, and keep it as positive as you can.

Those things might help you feel less guilty, clarify what your expectations and boundaries are, and still maintain the relationship to the degree possible. In other words, they show love without enabling your brother.

I'm sorry, I know it's painful to want to help someone so much and watch them self-destruct instead.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:24 PM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 864,374 times
Reputation: 1562
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220 View Post
Maybe he knew you didn't want him there. You said you told him numerous times not to come back to where you guys live without a job or a car.

I don't know your family dynamics or what he did, but life isn't always so black and white.
No, I gave him the advice about the job and the car once. He called once a couple months ago saying he was thinking of moving because he was sick of the bad winters. Prior to that I had maybe talked to him twice in the past 3 years only on Christmas, and he hadn't talked to my other brother at all in that time period. He was living in our hometown and didn't tell us things were bad.

The advice I gave him is the same advice I give everyone thinking of moving here. It is a tough job market, everything is spread out and public transportation is poor so a car is essential and unless you have a lot of savings it's best to line up a job first. I don't tell people that because I don't want them to come here. I tell them that so they don't waste a lot of money and time.

I don't know where you are getting that someone thinks life is so black and white. If I thought that, I wouldn't have bothered writing on here to get various opinions from others. I'm also not getting that from the replies I have seen here.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:36 PM
 
6,474 posts, read 10,382,904 times
Reputation: 6346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
No, I gave him the advice about the job and the car once. He called once a couple months ago saying he was thinking of moving because he was sick of the bad winters. Prior to that I had maybe talked to him twice in the past 3 years only on Christmas, and he hadn't talked to my other brother at all in that time period. He was living in our hometown and didn't tell us things were bad.

The advice I gave him is the same advice I give everyone thinking of moving here. It is a tough job market, everything is spread out and public transportation is poor so a car is essential and unless you have a lot of savings it's best to line up a job first. I don't tell people that because I don't want them to come here. I tell them that so they don't waste a lot of money and time.

I don't know where you are getting that someone thinks life is so black and white. If I thought that, I wouldn't have bothered writing on here to get various opinions from others. I'm also not getting that from the replies I have seen here.
You clearly love your brother very much and I can sense that in your posts.

I sense your frustration with him. Again, I don't know your family situation, but he was letting you know that he wasn't happy where he was and probably couldn't take it anymore.

Of course you shouldn't enable him or let him be a bum on your couch, but he has no money, no car, no job and I guess in his mind the only people he felt comfort and security with was you guys.

Unfortunately, this economy has messed up so many people, cities and industries to where it's hard to even get a job at McDonalds these days. I know you'll look out for him to the best of your ability, but he might also be depressed as well.

I'm just speaking from personal experience which is why I say not everything is "black and white".

There is only ONE member of my family that I would NEVER let live with me, because he's proven himself to be a very manipulative untrustworthy person. He's the type of relative that would file a false charge of domestic violence against you, then seek to get a TRO banning you from your own apartment. This is how grimey he is.

Your brother doesn't sound like this. From what you've posted, he just seems down on his luck.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:45 PM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 864,374 times
Reputation: 1562
I think you are right about him being depressed. He may even suffer from clinical depression just because this has been going on for many years and he seems unable to hold things together for very long. And the drinking and the depression probably go together. Yes, I do love him and care about him but sadly I am not a professional in addictions or depression. I don't know that he will be able to sustain a normal life unless he gets some professional help to deal with the root cause of this and put it behind him.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,012 posts, read 22,791,367 times
Reputation: 34933
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220 View Post
There is only ONE member of my family that I would NEVER let live with me, because he's proven himself to be a very manipulative untrustworthy person. ...

... he just seems down on his luck.
He's been down on his luck for 10 years. And this is the ONE family member the OP has had it with.

You want this guy on your couch? Send the OP your info.

You are not listening.
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Old 09-11-2014, 04:54 PM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 864,374 times
Reputation: 1562
The real reason I don't want him to live with me is because I am afraid he will spend years (or however long I let him stay) sitting on the couch, drinking and getting more depressed. He won't have any motivation to get help and the older he gets the harder it will be. I am afraid that he is going to die very early because of what he is doing to himself. I don't want to contribute to that outcome.
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Old 09-11-2014, 05:09 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,638,446 times
Reputation: 14868
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
He's been down on his luck for 10 years. And this is the ONE family member the OP has had it with.

You want this guy on your couch? Send the OP your info.

You are not listening.
I thought the same thing.
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