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Old 09-11-2014, 07:02 PM
 
41 posts, read 71,412 times
Reputation: 118

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Does your brother believe he has a drinking problem even though he still drinks? It sounds like he hasn't hit rock bottom and is still finding people to enable him.

OP, you're absolutely right to stick with the boundaries you've set. No way you should let him move in, as he'll have no incentive to change his life and you could have a permanent houseguest. Perhaps an intervention? Even if he refuses help or won't admit to a problem, it might be cathartic for you and your other brother.
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Old 09-12-2014, 08:46 AM
 
1,710 posts, read 1,619,828 times
Reputation: 934
hook a brother up.. literally. No matter what issues he has you should assist him in some sort of intervention. Family first.. always
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Old 09-12-2014, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,564 posts, read 12,268,732 times
Reputation: 10004
Fiona, this goes to my theory that family are worse than complete strangers. Most people seem to think that family is an excuse for dysfunctional behavior and taking advantage of people. Especially when the person taken advantage of is female, as they are seen to have softer hearts. Family will treat you like complete garbage, and then guilt you if you object to it. The whole family might guilt you, because when you stand up for yourself, you are threatening that whole toxic inner core of manipulation, abuse and usage. Take it from someone who knows. And when I got married, I had to go through it all over again with another family.

If you'd put up with that during dating, you'd have paid for dinner and the movie while the guy was rude and insulting and embarrassing, then later when he wanted sex, given in out of guilt anyway.

If you put up with that at the grocery store, you would fill up your cart in spite of store employees who blocked you from getting at the merchandise you wanted, then gotten to the cashier and been told that none of the prices were valid now, and that some were going up--and that you must bag your own groceries or pay a fee. And bought it all anyway.

If you put up with that at work, you'd deal with random work hours changed on short notice, and then often finding out that some of the hours were classified as 'requested uncompensated overtime,' and that the employer didn't actually send your withheld tax to the IRS. And stayed anyway.

Nope, no one but family will treat you that rotten. Reality check: family should be a reason to treat people better, not worse. He would use that logic to apply only to you and not himself: 'you should let me suck off of you because I'm family.' How about: 'You should not put me in this position because I also am family! When did I become your mommy? Let me know if you ever get your act together.'
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Old 09-12-2014, 04:41 PM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 862,412 times
Reputation: 1562
j_k_k, You are so right. I just got home and found out he is now telling my younger brother lies about what an awful person I am. I don't really care what he says about me. I know he gets mean and bitter when he drinks. But it does bother me because I know hearing this hurts my younger brother. I knew the drama was coming, but it sure came quick. It hasn't even been a week. And yes, no one would ever act this way toward a stranger. They know they would be out on their ass.

Ugh...Not very inclined to want to help him right at the moment.

Great analogies about work and the grocery store. I'll remember those.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:27 PM
 
6,474 posts, read 10,370,993 times
Reputation: 6346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiona13 View Post
j_k_k, You are so right. I just got home and found out he is now telling my younger brother lies about what an awful person I am. I don't really care what he says about me. I know he gets mean and bitter when he drinks. But it does bother me because I know hearing this hurts my younger brother. I knew the drama was coming, but it sure came quick. It hasn't even been a week. And yes, no one would ever act this way toward a stranger. They know they would be out on their ass.

Ugh...Not very inclined to want to help him right at the moment.

Great analogies about work and the grocery store. I'll remember those.
Your younger brother needs to DEAD any conversation about YOU, because you're not in the equation right now. It's between them two and what your 40 year old broke brother plans to do with himself.

Talking about how horrible you are is deflection from the REAL problems going on HIS life. Seventy percent of his predicament is from decisions HE made and the rest is from forces out of his control (i.e., economy, no jobs, low wages, etc.).

He needs to start making changes RIGHT NOW and working on some sort of GAME PLAN on his situation, because his stay at your younger brother's home is TEMPORARY. Other than a shelter, there are not too many places someone can stay for free while trying to get their financial act together. He better take advantage of the opportunity while it's available to him.

And your younger brother needs to stop enabling him with alcohol. If he doesn't like it, then your younger brother needs to drop him off at the nearest men's shelter to deal with.

Just like life isn't all "black and white", it's also "too short" for unnecessary nonsense. I can't deal with ungrateful and bitter relatives no matter how much I love them.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,564 posts, read 12,268,732 times
Reputation: 10004
It's not your job to help him. He's a grown man, right? Then it's his job to help himself. If he were doing that, it might motivate you to join in the effort. Since he's not, and is going straight to the bullying phase, seems like he should go move in with the other brother, where they can commiserate about their sister who is such a big meany.

Pretty soon, expect a crisis caused purely by his own bad choices, and him calling for you to bail him out of it. And if you do, you'll be a great fool. I hope you will not be.
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Old 09-12-2014, 05:43 PM
 
Location: South Florida
1,007 posts, read 862,412 times
Reputation: 1562
Nope not helping him or even talking to him right now. I am not taking his bait or playing into his BS. He can play games until my younger brother gets sick of it and kicks him out or he can start taking positive steps. Not my call.

I am going to stay clear of the drama enjoy my weekend because I have to go back to work Monday.
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Old 09-12-2014, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
17,991 posts, read 22,715,580 times
Reputation: 34894
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k View Post
Fiona, this goes to my theory that family are worse than complete strangers.
You nailed it with dysfunctional families grouping up and pressuring the one who has become non-compliant in the family dynamics.

Before I wrote off my family for good, I said to my mom once that what I want from her is for her to treat me the way she treats people who are not family members. That I want the same respect and manners, etc.

She looked completely stumped and said something like, "But, then we wouldn't have an intimate relationship!"

Hopeless.

My family is cruel with a capital C, and violent. I had to put up with it until I was 18 and could escape. Then I put up with them from afar (immediately moved to another state), then moved back and tried to have a nice family (what a crazy dream), then finally realized that as an adult, I can choose who I have in my life.

Rule number 1: I don't put up with people who are cruel to me, no matter their DNA.

My family is so nuts that they think they can be evil and cruel to you one minute, and then expect a favor the next.

Insane & completely toxic. I left them to their own devices. Said a prayer, and left it to a higher power.
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Old 09-12-2014, 08:19 PM
 
6,474 posts, read 10,370,993 times
Reputation: 6346
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe View Post
You nailed it with dysfunctional families grouping up and pressuring the one who has become non-compliant in the family dynamics.

Before I wrote off my family for good, I said to my mom once that what I want from her is for her to treat me the way she treats people who are not family members. That I want the same respect and manners, etc.

She looked completely stumped and said something like, "But, then we wouldn't have an intimate relationship!"

Hopeless.

My family is cruel with a capital C, and violent. I had to put up with it until I was 18 and could escape. Then I put up with them from afar (immediately moved to another state), then moved back and tried to have a nice family (what a crazy dream), then finally realized that as an adult, I can choose who I have in my life.

Rule number 1: I don't put up with people who are cruel to me, no matter their DNA.

My family is so nuts that they think they can be evil and cruel to you one minute, and then expect a favor the next.

Insane & completely toxic. I left them to their own devices. Said a prayer, and left it to a higher power.
I understand you better now.

You were 100% CORRECT in leaving that horrible negativity behind.

Again, I know you still love your mom, you just don't "like" her as a person right now.

I am 10000000% behind leaving toxic family members and friends behind. They are master energy drainers.

There are thousands of unhappy families all across america. Whenever I hear about a kid running away from home, I always take the kid's side, because I know from personal experience that not all homes are "happy" ones. The kid is always looked at as the "problem" when many times, it's the parents or guardians fault for their unhappiness. Maybe if more CPS agencies did their jobs and REALLY looked into the home lives of these kids, instead of shuffling them either in juvie or back to their miserable homes, then maybe some real changes could get done.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:37 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,623,457 times
Reputation: 14868
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k View Post
Fiona, this goes to my theory that family are worse than complete strangers. Most people seem to think that family is an excuse for dysfunctional behavior and taking advantage of people. Especially when the person taken advantage of is female, as they are seen to have softer hearts. Family will treat you like complete garbage, and then guilt you if you object to it. The whole family might guilt you, because when you stand up for yourself, you are threatening that whole toxic inner core of manipulation, abuse and usage. Take it from someone who knows. And when I got married, I had to go through it all over again with another family.

If you'd put up with that during dating, you'd have paid for dinner and the movie while the guy was rude and insulting and embarrassing, then later when he wanted sex, given in out of guilt anyway.

If you put up with that at the grocery store, you would fill up your cart in spite of store employees who blocked you from getting at the merchandise you wanted, then gotten to the cashier and been told that none of the prices were valid now, and that some were going up--and that you must bag your own groceries or pay a fee. And bought it all anyway.

If you put up with that at work, you'd deal with random work hours changed on short notice, and then often finding out that some of the hours were classified as 'requested uncompensated overtime,' and that the employer didn't actually send your withheld tax to the IRS. And stayed anyway.

Nope, no one but family will treat you that rotten. Reality check: family should be a reason to treat people better, not worse. He would use that logic to apply only to you and not himself: 'you should let me suck off of you because I'm family.' How about: 'You should not put me in this position because I also am family! When did I become your mommy? Let me know if you ever get your act together.'

This is the best "flip" that actually puts everything into context. It's true - the user always uses family as an excuse for using - but the "usee" forgets to apply the same logic.
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