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My brother just showed up here Sunday night without telling anyone he was coming!
He is in his forties and drinks a lot and hasn't had a steady job in a long time. He was living in another state and got kicked out for not having a job. I talked to him a couple of months ago and told him not to move until he had a job lined up. The job market here is not great, especially for what he wants/used to do. I also told him in very clear terms that you NEED a car. He showed up this weekend with no car, no money, and no job. He was at a bus station waiting around for one of us to pick him up late on a Sunday night. He had a car when I talked to him a few months ago. I am not sure I want to know what happened to it. He didn't even bring money for a taxi! This shows zero respect for anyone who has to get up early for work or get kids up for school. Finally my other brother went and got him after getting off working a double at the hospital.
I am still mad at him for this. I find it so manipulative. He knows that if he informed us (myself and my other brother) ahead of time we would discourage him from coming. I told him he couldn't live with me but could only stay a short time IF he had a job lined up AND had a car. I know he thought if he just showed up we would take pity on him and take him in. So aggravating. Nobody has money to feed him, buy him cigarettes or beer.
I refused to let him stay with me. I don't have room and because he doesn't have a car, he would be sitting in the house all day waiting for me to come home and drive him places. He actually did live with me about 10 years ago and it didn't end well. I ended up kicking him out for getting drunk and passing out on the dining room floor. He is staying with my other brother, who at least is on the bus line. We'll see how long that lasts. I think as long as he has a place to stay, he won't be motivated to look for a job.
I am torn between wanting to help him because he is my brother and knowing that most likely I will only be enabling him. UGH!
I wanted to thank the posters on here who wrote about having relatives wanting to live with you and have you support them or having to kick them out. And I also wanted to thank everyone who posted on the "Care and Feeding of the Monkeys" thread. I have been reading a lot on here and have seen a lot of good advice that helped me stick to my convictions. The best thing is knowing that I am not alone.
I want to help, but I am not sure what kind of help I can offer because I don't want to enable him. This has been going on for way too long. Also, having him live here would completely derail my life. Financially and in other ways. I might be willing to pay that price if I thought he could turn his life around. History tells me this has a very slim chance of happening.
The circus is in town....but it isn't mine so I am not feeding the monkeys. Or cleaning up their poop.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
Tell him he has 2 days to get a job or leave. And then do it.
do not feel guilted in to taking care of him, he will have no reason to do for himself.
Your brother is at total rock bottom and I'm sure he did try to find a job before coming back home to you guys.
Besides his drinking problem, he's probably majorly depressed as well.
If you don't want to help him, then don't. No one is forcing you to.
I can only imagine how low he feels not having a job, money, car or decent clothes to wear. Thank goodness there is at least one family member that will give him a chance. If he can't help, then the next stop is the homeless shelter.
I suggest to tell him to go to a homeless shelter.
Yeah, nice.
He came back home, because he thought he had a support system and he does. His younger brother, thankfully.
If he wanted to be in a shelter, he could have stayed where he was.
The OP is under no obligation to help her brother if she doesn't want to, but I really don't get why she's upset that he's staying with another family member. He's not with her, so why get into a tizzy about something that doesn't concern her.
She can still continue on with her life as before.
I agree that all you should do is get a list of shelters and food banks and places that will help him....other than you or your brother. There are so many resources for homeless people who want to get back on their feet. They will offer him drug and alcohol counseling, help him get medical, give him nice free clothes for interviewing, hot meals in addition to tons of free food. There is free security deposit money for homeless people, free bus passes and often they will give them vouchers for hotels for a certain number of days. And they will help him to find housing and to find free money for utility bills. The resources are endless. There are actually more resources for people who are homeless than for people who are struggling, but are not homeless yet.
Contact your city and county health and human services, google to see if there is a homeless mission, google to find out where the food banks are, and everyone you call, ask them who else they can recommend as a resource. St. Vincent de Paul, Salvation Army, Catholic Charities, local churches, senior centers (not only for seniors) are just a few in addition to government help.
He's only going to change if he has no other choice. He has to want to change and make the effort himself. Like you said, he was like this 10 years ago, and look at him now. Same old deadbeat brother.
The best thing you can do for him is tough love. Don't let him pull your heart strings by telling you he's depressed. Tell him, here's the number for the county mental health clinic. They can help you. I'm not a professional. And you need to help yourself. I'm not willing to help you anymore, other than to point you to resources, and you will have to help yourself from now on.
He's a grown man. And he's not your problem.
Sorry you have to watch your younger brother learn this lesson. All you can tell your younger brother is that you don't think he should help the loser, but that's his choice and you won't tell him what to do. BUT, you want him to know that you are not going to help other than give the loser the printout of every resource he can call and wish him well.
My brother just showed up here Sunday night without telling anyone he was coming!
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
I'd be fuming if I was in your situation. This would be ultra-tough for me because I don't like people staying in my house.
I once had a nephew show up in town unannounced with no place to go. I don't think he was here quite a week before I literally bought him a one-way Amtrak ticket back to his hometown. And I stayed at the terminal to ensure he got on it.
I suggest that you join Al-Anon. It is an organization that helps people deal with relatives that are alcohol/drug addicts.
Please take care of yourself and your family first. Do not do anything that will enable him to continue his lifestyle. Only provide help that will not make you upset if he continues his behavior.
This organization has really helped me deal with the emotional toll of having family members who struggle addiction.
He came back home, because he thought he had a support system and he does. His younger brother, thankfully.
If he wanted to be in a shelter, he could have stayed where he was.
The OP is under no obligation to help her brother if she doesn't want to, but I really don't get why she's upset that he's staying with another family member. He's not with her, so why get into a tizzy about something that doesn't concern her.
She can still continue on with her life as before.
You didn't read my post. I am not upset that he is staying with my brother, I am upset with him for coming here without telling anyone first. No one knew he was coming. He could have called, told us he needed help and we would have had time to formulate a plan.
My brother just showed up here Sunday night without telling anyone he was coming!
He is in his forties and drinks a lot and hasn't had a steady job in a long time. He was living in another state and got kicked out for not having a job. I talked to him a couple of months ago and told him not to move until he had a job lined up. The job market here is not great, especially for what he wants/used to do. I also told him in very clear terms that you NEED a car. He showed up this weekend with no car, no money, and no job. He was at a bus station waiting around for one of us to pick him up late on a Sunday night. He had a car when I talked to him a few months ago. I am not sure I want to know what happened to it. He didn't even bring money for a taxi! This shows zero respect for anyone who has to get up early for work or get kids up for school. Finally my other brother went and got him after getting off working a double at the hospital.
I am still mad at him for this. I find it so manipulative. He knows that if he informed us (myself and my other brother) ahead of time we would discourage him from coming. I told him he couldn't live with me but could only stay a short time IF he had a job lined up AND had a car. I know he thought if he just showed up we would take pity on him and take him in. So aggravating. Nobody has money to feed him, buy him cigarettes or beer.
I refused to let him stay with me. I don't have room and because he doesn't have a car, he would be sitting in the house all day waiting for me to come home and drive him places. He actually did live with me about 10 years ago and it didn't end well. I ended up kicking him out for getting drunk and passing out on the dining room floor. He is staying with my other brother, who at least is on the bus line. We'll see how long that lasts. I think as long as he has a place to stay, he won't be motivated to look for a job.
I am torn between wanting to help him because he is my brother and knowing that most likely I will only be enabling him. UGH!
I wanted to thank the posters on here who wrote about having relatives wanting to live with you and have you support them or having to kick them out. And I also wanted to thank everyone who posted on the "Care and Feeding of the Monkeys" thread. I have been reading a lot on here and have seen a lot of good advice that helped me stick to my convictions. The best thing is knowing that I am not alone.
I want to help, but I am not sure what kind of help I can offer because I don't want to enable him. This has been going on for way too long. Also, having him live here would completely derail my life. Financially and in other ways. I might be willing to pay that price if I thought he could turn his life around. History tells me this has a very slim chance of happening.
The circus is in town....but it isn't mine so I am not feeding the monkeys. Or cleaning up their poop.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
Take him to a homeless shelter.
This may sound bad, but your brother is the ultimate manipulator. He has probably sold his car and lost his job for alcohol and drugs, and the only way he will hit rock bottom is when his family will no longer enable him.
He may whine & cry and claim you don't love him, but you can retort that you can't love someone who doesn't love themselves.
Do it today.
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