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Not exactly borrowing it back since she's asking for her money back as she needs it. But the essence is the same. It puts the shoe on the other foot and the OP can evaluate if her sister cares about her personal hardships.
I agree. Not exactly borrowing. But keep asking for twenty, thirty dollars until you get to a thousand.
I have a sister who mooched off of me for years. She'd lived with me rent free for periods of time, cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry more times than I can count, "borrowed" money for plane tickets...
She never paid me back. She acts like money comes like manna from heaven for me and that helping her out was no big deal.
And it really isn't. Not worth fussing about.
I've just let it go.
But I have also let her go. She got in a snit about something a few years ago, and I haven't bothered to patch things up. I doubt I ever will.
At first I missed her, but I have good family and good friends and life goes on.
I am being totally serious and not sarcastic at all here.
Can someone please explain to me why you have anything to do with people who treat you like this in the first place?
Let alone continue to let them treat you like a doormat?
Please don't say, "Family!" If Hitler was your family, you wouldn't be kissing his butt (or certainly shouldn't).
I am being totally serious and not sarcastic at all here.
Can someone please explain to me why you have anything to do with people who treat you like this in the first place?
Let alone continue to let them treat you like a doormat?
Please don't say, "Family!" If Hitler was your family, you wouldn't be kissing his butt (or certainly shouldn't).
Because they're "family."
Because nobody's perfect.
Because you have also had pleasant experiences with them.
Because at first you can't believe this is more than a one or two time thing.
Because it isn't until you start adding it all up that you finally go, "What in the heck is this all about?"
Because it hurts so much when you finally realize that someone you love has been playing you for a chump.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 09-15-2014 at 07:15 AM..
I assume any and all money "loaned" to a family member is gone. Getting paid back is a pleasant surprise. So far I've been surprised a lot by some of my family.
The advice to just "Hey can I get $20 from you" and keeping track of it seems like the best advice. Yeah it will take a while. But $20 a week would pay it off in a year. If the sister complains about the constant bumming of $20 from her...show her the book where you track every dang time you got it from her, and what the balance is.
Some folks track money better then others.
And...a sister is worth more then $1,000. So keep cool, be nice, stop loaning money-plead poverty constantly.
I'm so sorry your sister is a user and a liar. I really don't think you will ever get this money back from her. She earns $40,000.00 a year and you're a struggling college student. She's vacationing in Australia. There's a disconnect here and she doesn't see it or care. Consider it a hard lesson learned, never lend anyone money unless you are prepared to lose it.
On the plus side, you don't have to give her a birthday Christmas, or other gift for a very long time. When gift giving time comes, you give her a card stating in lieu of a gift you are deducting some amount of money from her debt. If you wish you could also list the current balance.
ex. Dear Sister, Happy Birthday! I really can't afford to give you a birthday gift this year, so in lieu of a gift I'm forgiving $25.00 of the debt you owe me. Your current balance is now only $975.00. Love you.
I like this idea. And, if you do it in front of everyone, such as during your family Christmas gift exchange or at her birthday party ,it may shame her into actually repaying the loans. Plus, you will save money because you aren't giving her any more cash and you won't have to buy her any more presents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
Easy...wait until she asks you for another loan. State, you haven't paid me back for the last thousand dollars of loans....Pay up! Do not loan her another dime. She will never pay you what she owes you, but maybe it will keep her from asking.
I'm a college senior working part-time at $18 an hour, paying for my own tuition, rent, food, bills, and gas. She graduated college five years ago, works full-time, $40k a year.
At first, whenever she asked me for money, I'd give it to her. Her car broke down, or someone stole her card, or she just didn't have enough to pay the phone bill for the month. She always said she'd pay me back as soon as she had the money. I loved her, I believed her. I understand that everyone has a hard time now and then.
After two years of doing this, she owes me over a thousand dollars now. She hasn't paid me back a single penny. Right now, she's on a 10-day vacation in Australia. No mention of paying me back, despite being able to afford the latest gadgets and going on multiple vacations outside of the country.
In the future, I'm not giving her anything no matter what she says. Still hard to believe my own sister took full advantage of me like that when I am still the college student paying for living expenses, textbooks, and tuition entirely out of my own pocket.
I don't know how to ask for all of that money back in a way that will get her to pay me back. I tried asking her directly multiple times, but she always tells me to wait until she gets a bonus from work or until she gets paid for overtime. When that happens, then she conveniently doesn't remember talking to me about paying me back the previous time I ask.
OMG I know both how you feel and why you posted as a "new user." LOL Some of the people in my family seem to think I and some of my relatives are rich. Even if I were rich, IMO my money is for me and not for other people who did not earn it. But I understand both your guilt and your difficulty saying No.
1. Don't lend family money - If they do not pay you back, then well...you know. If you cannot afford to GIVE it without expecting a payback then say "I'm sorry I don't have it." I always feel compelled to give a reason. God forbid I should need to save money for myself or my own future. So anyway, make up an excuse. You need to buy food or clothing or pay your rent. Those are not lies.
2. Forget the $1000 - Talk to people. Relatives can bilk you out of way more than one measly grand. It sucks anyway, because you can probably use the money. I know, I'm sorry. Just say to yourself, OK I gave a gift of $1000. Tell your sister "Forget about the $1000 you owe me. Consider it a gift." Make it the last gift you give her. If she needs more money, she can take out a bank loan.
3. Be direct and up front and say NO I do not have any EXTRA money to give you. - "Still hard to believe my own sister took full advantage of me like that..." I know, I felt the same way with one particular relative. I'm independent and considerate I think when it comes to money. I avoid asking other people for money and I work hard to pay my own way. Many people are not liek that. They think noting of asking a relative for money...because you HAVE it or because What else are you going to do with your money...you are rich, or you have no expenses...
Ha ha ha. You may be like I was. You need to even Exaggerate to let them know that YES you do have plans for your own money. You have things you need to spend your own money on. Yes you are ANNOYED if you are asked for a loan. Yes you are unhappy when treated like a bank.
Believe it or not, some people honestly will not know this until you TELL them. Even in a mean way. Stop being nice. I know it is hard. The alternative is that you will not have money saved up for an emergency, or you may have trouble paying your OWN bills. And these greedy people will not be able to help YOU because they can't manage their own money. Banks are for loans, not relatives.
I agree. Not exactly borrowing. But keep asking for twenty, thirty dollars until you get to a thousand.
I have a sister who mooched off of me for years. She'd lived with me rent free for periods of time, cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry more times than I can count, "borrowed" money for plane tickets...
She never paid me back. She acts like money comes like manna from heaven for me and that helping her out was no big deal.
And it really isn't. Not worth fussing about.
I've just let it go.
But I have also let her go. She got in a snit about something a few years ago, and I haven't bothered to patch things up. I doubt I ever will.
At first I missed her, but I have good family and good friends and life goes on.
I wouldn't do 20, 30 etc at a time. OP would have to keep track of all those times making it a pain. But $100 here and there + reminding her sister of the balance by text or something would work.
I lent some money to a friend a few years back. It was only about $400 but after about 3 months I started to get the feeling that he'd forgotten about it so I told him something to the effect that I owed the IRS some back taxes and could sure use the money. Initially he tried paying me back something like $40 here, 30 there etc, and even offered to pay for meals. I declined and told him I didn't want us to mix up how much he owed me so I would take nothing less than $50 at a time. He paid me back within 2 months after that. Last time I ever let someone borrow money.
Thank you for all your advice! I really do love her, and I don't want the money thing to get in the way of our relationship. When she gets back from her vacation, I'll have a sincere talk with her and try and work something out with her paying me back. And if she still doesn't after that, then at least I don't have to buy her any birthday and Christmas gifts for the next couple of years lol.
OP, I agree with all of the others primarily who said to never loan money to family, only give gifts, only do loans if you can afford for them to be gifts, etc.
I never loan anyone money. There have been times I have parted with money with the mentality that it was a gift but that person insisted on paying me back...and when it happened I was grateful. But I don't expect anyone to return on loans...in fact I learned as a teenager with some books and CDs I cared about, never loan anyone anything that you can't replace easily.
But this isn't just to protect your assets. This is also because I have seen more family and friendships strained or broken because people were resentful of those they had never paid back, or the ones in debt carried a burden of either guilt, or some other kind of negativity about it...having the "no loan" policy saves relationships.
Now you get to think about how to handle this... If you really deeply care about your sister, then you simply look at it as a lesson learned the hard way, and your own fault for not getting it sooner, and put it out of your mind. Let her save face by you not trying to collect anymore, let go of your resentment over it, and move on. Just fall back on your shiny new "no loans policy" if she ever asks again...as someone just said, come up with some excuse, any excuse, but don't give her any more money unless it is a gift on YOUR terms.
Alternately, if you feel more strongly about the money and are willing to sacrifice the relationship, knowing this could drive a wedge of bad feeling between you, possibly for years...you can tell everyone who will listen what she has done, and continue to go after her for the money. You may or may not get results, but you are sure to get loads of stress and drama.
I like the suggestion with the Birthday and Christmas cards, forgiving that debt $25 at a time with (hopefully) a public dose of guilt and shame on top. But I probably wouldn't do it. I'd probably just let it go, and in the future feel no obligation to do anything but give her a friendly greeting card for Bday's & holidays and such.
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I really do love her, and I don't want the money thing to get in the way of our relationship. When she gets back from her vacation, I'll have a sincere talk with her and try and work something out with her paying me back. And if she still doesn't after that, then at least I don't have to buy her any birthday and Christmas gifts for the next couple of years lol.
