U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-16-2014, 04:15 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,575 posts, read 9,633,746 times
Reputation: 10897

Advertisements

Reading some of these posts makes me so sad. I love my mom to pieces and I know, without a doubt, that she loves me too. She's not my birth mother but she's been "Mom" since I was four years old. When I was a kid she had a terrible temper and little patience but I learned to just NOT get on her bad side. She actually apologized, years later, for being that way and realized that her actions were a lot the result of being raised by a mentally ill mother herself who treated HER badly. She didn't know any better.

I've lived away from family for enough years that I truly appreciate having her with me still at age 87. She'll be 'gone' one of these days and I know I'll miss her terribly, so in the meantime I'll make the most of the time we still have left together. Whatever she needs, I'm here for her and I won't let her 'want' for anything, if I can help it. She is my 'prayer warrior' and I keep wondering who'll pray for me like she does when she's gone. That's a sad thought too. I wish my brother's appreciated her as much, and I know they do care, but they aren't the best sons to her in many ways. And they haven't raised their kids to be close to her either. Not because she's a bad person but they are just apathetic, or something. Whatever...it doesn't really matter anymore and I don't stress over it anymore. They don't know what they are missing out on though because she's a wonderful and much loved woman by everyone else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-16-2014, 06:56 PM
 
894 posts, read 836,692 times
Reputation: 2633
I think it's great for those of you who have close relationships with their mothers, but not all of us get that lucky.

My mom has always been indifferent towards me. In 2012, I moved in with her for a year after being laid off from my job. Because I didn't have money for rent, I assumed 100% of the household responsibilities as far as cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of her 2 acre yard, shoveling snow, raking leaves, running errands, you name it. My mother is 69 and has bad knees and Lyme disease and I figured she'd appreciate the help. Shortly before I moved out I overheard her talking to my sister on the phone about how I did nothing to help her and if I thought she was going to support me for the rest of my life I was crazy. Mind you, I had never asked her for a cent. I paid all my bills/student loans payments with my unemployment. I had never been so hurt in my life.

My parents are divorced and prior to my father recently dying of cancer, I was the only sibling who took care of him and visited him regularly while he was in hospice. My sister came once every two weeks, my brother not at all. But I'm the useless one...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-16-2014, 09:51 PM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
17,285 posts, read 21,135,531 times
Reputation: 24034
OP may have stuck her foot in her mouth, you never ever air your hates to anyone, as hate can turn to love in a split second, and vice versa. My guess: she's seeing too much of herself in her mother!

I hated my Dad with a passion up until my mid-30's when I was suddenly struck with a bolt of lightning, and it was very difficult to swallow, the truth, that what I hated in my Dad was staring me right in the mirror!

After that, my love for my Dad grew and grew each day after that!

We are so much alike it's pitiful!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-16-2014, 11:32 PM
 
12,895 posts, read 6,175,580 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoFigureMeOut View Post
I think it's great for those of you who have close relationships with their mothers, but not all of us get that lucky.

My mom has always been indifferent towards me. In 2012, I moved in with her for a year after being laid off from my job. Because I didn't have money for rent, I assumed 100% of the household responsibilities as far as cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of her 2 acre yard, shoveling snow, raking leaves, running errands, you name it. My mother is 69 and has bad knees and Lyme disease and I figured she'd appreciate the help. Shortly before I moved out I overheard her talking to my sister on the phone about how I did nothing to help her and if I thought she was going to support me for the rest of my life I was crazy. Mind you, I had never asked her for a cent. I paid all my bills/student loans payments with my unemployment. I had never been so hurt in my life.

My parents are divorced and prior to my father recently dying of cancer, I was the only sibling who took care of him and visited him regularly while he was in hospice. My sister came once every two weeks, my brother not at all. But I'm the useless one...
I can relate. Even though my mother was a stay at home mom, I still came home from school to a long list of chores I had to do. There were so many that I wondered what she did all day. It would be one thing if she were ill or she had a job outside the home but that was not the case. Meanwhile, my 2 brothers did virtually nothing.

She didn't appreciate all that I did. I would overhear her tell other people that I didn't lift a finger to help her. One day a neighbor stopped by as I was cleaning up after dinner. As I was washing the dog's bowl, the neighbor commented on how nice it was that I did this. To which my mother said "I'm the one who usually does this." Well...I just about lost it! I said to my mother, "I do this every night, and you know it, too!" The neighbor sided with me and told my mother that she would miss me when I left home.

Since my mother told people that I did nothing all day, sometimes relatives would call and if I answered the phone, they would yell at me for not helping my mother.

I understand you feeling hurt as I know that feeling well. Not only did I feel hurt but angry as well. You must also feel angry.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 08:27 AM
 
4,881 posts, read 4,831,001 times
Reputation: 7328
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoFigureMeOut View Post
I think it's great for those of you who have close relationships with their mothers, but not all of us get that lucky.
But I'm the useless one...
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
I can relate.
I understand you feeling hurt as I know that feeling well. Not only did I feel hurt but angry as well. You must also feel angry.
Precisely. It's wonderful to have a good mother and/or a good relationship with her as well as resolving
any past issues. However, I don't understand why some people can't understand or sympathize with
those of us (who have tried most of our lives) to have that. Is is so hard to believe that there are
horrible, abusive, cruel and non-loving mothers out there?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 09:55 AM
 
24,843 posts, read 32,313,685 times
Reputation: 11452
Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
Can anyone else relate?
Yes.

I hated my father.

I always said the best day of on life would be the day he died.

He died 27 years ago........and so far it IS the best day.

I can post a lot of stories....or, just say he was a drunk.......the stories are all about the same.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 01:39 PM
 
894 posts, read 836,692 times
Reputation: 2633
Quote:
Originally Posted by baileyvpotter View Post
Precisely. It's wonderful to have a good mother and/or a good relationship with her as well as resolving
any past issues. However, I don't understand why some people can't understand or sympathize with
those of us (who have tried most of our lives) to have that. Is is so hard to believe that there are
horrible, abusive, cruel and non-loving mothers out there?
It's because society presents this image that mothers have this unbreakable bond with their children. The sad fact is that's not the case and when people are confronted with that reality it makes them uncomfortable. So they immediately dismiss it or claim you're too sensitive or say the age-old line "all mothers love their children." I certainly don't begrudge anyone who's close with their mother, but on the flip side please respect the experiences of those of us who don't.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Southern California
748 posts, read 1,040,922 times
Reputation: 1084
I hated my father for years and eventually disowned him for all the things he did, all the times he let me down, all the times he wasn't there.

As I got older, I came to believe that I am one half of my mother and one half of my father. In order to love myself, I had to find love for these two people. I had to accept them for what they were. It was not my place to pass judgment on them.

I am sure that my father loved me in the only way he knew how. It was not a very good way of showing love, but perhaps it was all he was shown and all he knew.

I learned to forgive my father, and accept who he was. But I still choose not to have him in my life.

Forgiving, acceptance are some of the hardest things to face, I am going through it with my sister right now.

Find strength to move beyond the hate, to acceptance and be forgiving if you can.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 05:25 PM
 
12,895 posts, read 6,175,580 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by baileyvpotter View Post
Precisely. It's wonderful to have a good mother and/or a good relationship with her as well as resolving
any past issues. However, I don't understand why some people can't understand or sympathize with
those of us (who have tried most of our lives) to have that. Is is so hard to believe that there are
horrible, abusive, cruel and non-loving mothers out there?
^Very well put!

Sometimes people assume that if you don't have a good relationship with your mother, then it is your fault. Maybe you were a bad, ungrateful kid---that's how the thinking goes.

Believe me, I would have loved to have a great relationship with my mother. As a kid, I would try but she wasn't interested in making the effort.

When I became an adult, I tried to get at least some "closure". I would point out to her the abusive things she did and said but in her mind, none of that ever happened. Instead, she told me that I was making things up and was crazy. My father, the perfect enabler, would take her side, even though he knew better.

My mother had a lousy childhood but she didn't have the insight needed to see that she was repeating the cycle. I was determined to do better with my own daughter. In no way was I perfect but I do have a better relationship with her than my mother had with me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-17-2014, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,575 posts, read 9,633,746 times
Reputation: 10897
Quote:
Originally Posted by baileyvpotter View Post
Precisely. It's wonderful to have a good mother and/or a good relationship with her as well as resolving
any past issues. However, I don't understand why some people can't understand or sympathize with
those of us (who have tried most of our lives) to have that. Is is so hard to believe that there are
horrible, abusive, cruel and non-loving mothers out there?
I understand and sympathize for the simple fact that I've seen mothers...and fathers...who were total ****s to their kids. I have a son in law I cannot stand because he's always been mean and horrible to his kids. Except for his daughter and he's 180 with her. Too much so, to be honest. One of my grandson's got married this past weekend and wouldn't even have my SILs name associated with the parents, etc.. I realize how very lucky I am to have had the parents I have/had. My dad was my hero. Don't think we are minimizing your life or your issues with your mothers. Reading all these things just makes me sad and wish I could do more for my own grandkids, and I can't. I blame my daughter a LOT for allowing her husband to do the things he's done and have to consider her a "not so great" mother. I think she feels guilty about it but would never do anything to make it better. They've been married for 27 years and I wouldn't have stayed with that man for 27 minutes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top