Grandkids/grandparents after divorce (jealous, boyfriend, husband, member)
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Our son is now convinced, by way of his current fiancee, that our relationship with our ex dil is to hurt him. He doesn't see that without our connection to her, we'd never see our grandkids. He even told us this, he said their weekends are too busy. He gets upset that we send gifts for the grandkids to his ex's house, but when we send anything to his house, its like a black hole. Even something as simple as Halloween cards sent to his ex's house pisses him off.
As time goes on, we're genuinely falling in love with our ex dil all over again. We think of her with kindness and love. Our son, on the other hand, has become lost to us. We don't see this getting any better. There's nothing we can do except cope and hope he comes to his senses and turns back into the reasonable young man he used to be.
Any words of wisdom here? I want to add that we live 2 hours away. We never abuse visiting time, all trips to see the grandkids take careful planning and communication beforehand, no dropping by without notice, and we're only talking once every month or 6 weeks. We never ask for the moon.
it sounds as though your son's fiancee is very threatened by your cordial relationship with your former DIL.
Does your son feel that your involvement with and positive feelings towards his Ex looks like rejection of his fiancee?
Is there any sense of your former DIL wanting to rekindle her life with your son--or possibly, does your son's fiancee think that is what is at the root of the solicitous relationship between you and former DIL?
Do the children have anything to say about all this, i.e., that they don't like daddy's fiancee?
Is son's fiancee the type who would want to split relationships regardless of the situation, as in -- even if children were not involved, she would try to cut off your son from you as a way to minimize your inflence in his life?
Has your son suggested that your being involved with the children through his Ex has somehow impacted the quality of time he gets to spend with his children?
Our son is now convinced, by way of his current fiancee, that our relationship with our ex dil is to hurt him. He doesn't see that without our connection to her, we'd never see our grandkids. He even told us this, he said their weekends are too busy. He gets upset that we send gifts for the grandkids to his ex's house, but when we send anything to his house, its like a black hole. Even something as simple as Halloween cards sent to his ex's house pisses him off.
As time goes on, we're genuinely falling in love with our ex dil all over again. We think of her with kindness and love. Our son, on the other hand, has become lost to us. We don't see this getting any better. There's nothing we can do except cope and hope he comes to his senses and turns back into the reasonable young man he used to be.
Any words of wisdom here? I want to add that we live 2 hours away. We never abuse visiting time, all trips to see the grandkids take careful planning and communication beforehand, no dropping by without notice, and we're only talking once every month or 6 weeks. We never ask for the moon.
It feels like there is something missing here, like a part of the dynamic that you don't know about.
The way you describe it, once the fiancee came into the picture, "suddenly" everything went downhill. Now, admittedly, you HAVE taken sides and are securely in the former DIL camp. Of course this is going to cause problems with the new fiancee. Are you sure she is the villain here, or is it possible that there is a real problem with your son and his ex?
You aren't innocent victims in this relationship. Whether you meant it that way or not, your continued (and seemingly preferred) relationship with your son's ex is an unspoken endorsement of her. I understand that she is the one who gives you what you want (access to your grandkids), but it is obviously making an already bad problem worse.
Is it possible that something went on with your son and his ex that you don't know about that is keeping this situation from being tolerable? They are going to be co-parents for LIFE, and if they don't get along, the children will suffer. But you don't need to be making it worse.
And thinking that your son is "lost" to you is definitely making it worse. He is your son who once was as treasured to you as these grandkids you claim to love so much. Remember that and be on his side. Right now by sending things to the DIL's house and initiating contact with her, you are falling right into the bad guy role you claim this fiancee has cast you in.
I don't know how my son sees our relationship with his ex. He encouraged us to keep up a relationship up with her before fiancee came into the picture.
His ex is in a long - term relationship of her own with a good man. She has a mother of her own, she has her boyfriend's mother and she has us. She's got a full plate and plenty of love to go around. No, she doesn't want my son back in her life.
The kids are young but luckily they haven't been played by either party so they've never been taught that game. They do some eye - rolling but they appear to like everyone. Certainly they're aware that they're seeing daddy's parents at mommy's house but so far there've been no questions raised.
No. Our time with the kids is 100% on her time. We'd never ask for time to be spent on his time.
I'm sure he'd like things to be different. He's aware of fiancee's short comings, he's admitted that she's stubborn and insecure but love is love. We're the disposable ones in this equation.
I don't know how my son sees our relationship with his ex. He encouraged us to keep up a relationship up with her before fiancee came into the picture.
His ex is in a long - term relationship of her own with a good man. She has a mother of her own, she has her boyfriend's mother and she has us. She's got a full plate and plenty of love to go around. No, she doesn't want my son back in her life.
The kids are young but luckily they haven't been played by either party so they've never been taught that game. They do some eye - rolling but they appear to like everyone. Certainly they're aware that they're seeing daddy's parents at mommy's house but so far there've been no questions raised.
No. Our time with the kids is 100% on her time. We'd never ask for time to be spent on his time.
I'm sure he'd like things to be different. He's aware of fiancee's short comings, he's admitted that she's stubborn and insecure but love is love. We're the disposable ones in this equation.
From your description, it sounds like your son may be in "love" with a narcissist.
If that is the case, then you might as well just continue to maintain your relationship with DIL so you can see the grandkids because if he has dropped friends as well, the fiancee's hold on him is strong and you ARE being disposed of.
Narcissists cannot tolerate criticism of any kind or anything that sounds like criticism. Anything you say about her will only make his bond with her stronger, and any attempts you make to get to know her will be rebuffed. It is how narcissist maintain control of a situation. They ignore, they villainize, they use passive-aggressive behavior, all to minimize you and your relationship with whoever THEY want.
I am writing this comment from my own experience. Me and my husband divorced 5 years ago. my daughter enjoy with grand parents very much also them. But when my ex husband got involve with the woman who he was cheating already , she cut all the moments that poor parents could see my daughter. Not only that she make my husband to drop his friends, let him drop answer my calls, let him to stop paying alimantation and lot more worse things humans can think of. I see that as being bitchy and being jealousy. But at the end parents of my ex husband asked me if they can see their grand daughter so as always Wednesday here is half day school I drive 3 hours to them and spend after noon and come home after the dinner. I honestly can say this fiancee is making boundaries around your son. Don't be surprise if your son completely stop talking to you at some point.That is what happened to my ex. But I cannot say exactly the same happening in your side. But possible.
Ipoetry, you keep doing what you're doing. Your son is being an idiot. If they cut you off, so be it. One day he will realize the bs his fiancee is doing, and his idiocy for handing his testicles over to her where she keeps them on a high shelf out of his reach, or in her purse, where most men fear to venture. Also, the kids will eventually understand it all. But you're doing the right thing. Stick with it. The g-kids will need your love and support when their future stepmonster takes control of the household.
By the way, out of curiosity, who won't be allowed at the wedding? You or the kids? Any word on that yet?
It's completely legitimate for you to have relationships with your grand children and even your ex-dil. People aren't possessions. Your ex-dil has the right to have any relationship she likes as long as it doesn't "hurt the children or frighten the dog." And that goes double for your grand children. They will not always be children, soon enough they will be adults and there shouldn't be any barriers between who they get to love. Especially from someone who was a stranger not too long ago.
She will become a barrier between her husband and his children. Better for them that they have a good example how loving, sane, considerate adults behave than to do without you. Ignore their drama. It will serve you all in the long term future. Stand united with your grand children and your ex-dil.
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