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Old 09-19-2014, 07:08 AM
 
342 posts, read 345,436 times
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I am a non-confrontational person. I hate conflict in my relationships. Sometimes it is inevitable, but really I'd say the only two people I consistently have conflict with are my husband and my mother (because of how close we are I guess.) I wonder if I am so non-confrontational because I think my issues wouldn't be validated. Or else it'll turn into a full blown "thing" and I'll end up losing a friend over it. Or at the very least that it will get weird and we won't bounce back.

Well, recently I expressed discontent to a friend over how I was being treated by them. We used to text all the time about everything and nothing. It's fallen off, because, well, people get busy. It was a little painful to me to realize I wasn't as big a priority to them as they were to me, but I've taken it in stride. Well, recently my friend popped up again, but only because her son needed something. No "Hello", no "chit chat". And this is after her being non-responsive to a couple of texts (at which point I stopped initiating contact bcs I didn't want to keep bugging her). She was clueless and very apologetic and gracious about the whole thing. And now I feel stupid for even making an issue about it. She's made a big effort now to initiate texts, but now it feels dumb. Like, "good morning" texts and "have a nice day" texts and "have a good night" texts. But not really any conversations, which is what I have been missing.

So I'm kind of wishing I had never said anything and just waited for her to come back around because it feels forced now. I have had people confront me about not keeping it touch, or not returning phone calls. And it always makes me defensive and less likely to want to continue contact with them. So I wonder if that's what I inadvertently did to her. We talked on the phone last night (about something her son needed) and she tried to bring it up again but I feel like I already spoke my piece and there's no point beating a dead horse and making it an even bigger deal. I'm happy to help her son. I love her son! I just am not thrilled that it's the only reason she's been contacting me, whereas before she'd contact me just to "hang out" all the time, at all hours of the day and night. The whole conversation reopening my discontent was making me supremely uncomfortable, so I kind of brushed it aside.

Oh my god, I feel like I'm twelve sometimes.

What's been your experience? Do you bring stuff up that's bothering you? Do you work through it? Do you just let it drop and move on?

Last edited by Charlotterising; 09-19-2014 at 07:31 AM..
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Old 09-19-2014, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,929 posts, read 6,462,439 times
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Quote:
So I wonder if that's what I inadvertently did to her
I would say you did nothing wrong. Her family (son) is taking up her time. That's the way it is in life. People drift apart for that reason.

As far as your questions at the end --- I do not deal with conflict. I'm a one and done type now.

I had a former friend who I knew for 25 years that suddenly changed to a person I no longer wanted to know. He kept backing out of plans at the last minute (both of us single) and often not even telling me. I finally had enough and told him in a one sided heated argument in front of his house. He contacted me 3 years later but he changed so much that I decided he wasn't worth anymore of my time.
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Old 09-19-2014, 07:37 AM
 
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I guess that's what the bummer is to me. We had many months of going through crazy stuff but always making time for each other and updating each other on the craziness as it was happening. That's not the case anymore. I always make time for her when she texts and calls. She is now very inconsistent about responding. It's obvious that I am putting way more energy into our friendship. I don't mind too terribly much, most of the time. I value having her in my life. But at some point you want some reciprocity or else you feel like a stalker. I get that people get busy and drift apart. It's just disappointing because we used to be super tight and I thought we were bigger than that. I have lots of "friends" but none like this one, so it's kind of sad that we've turned into more casual friends.
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Old 09-19-2014, 09:19 AM
 
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you seem not to really consider how your friend feels just how you see the side of things. you are "done" talking about it but your friend wasn't and wanted to talk about it. you "feel" like things are forced, you feel she should say more than good morning, your pal sounds like she is trying to pick up her end and you feel funny about it because you called her on something.

the problem arises when you "think" something about a situation (it could be true or way off base) and then do not confront it to find out if what you are thinking is true or not, it makes for the possibility of you thinking the wrong and most likely hurtful things, when in fact it was an innocent comment not meant to be taken as you did.

no one likes conflict but you should always make sure you understand the situation before you come to conclusions
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Old 09-19-2014, 11:30 AM
 
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I don't handle conflict well either. I just quietly exited the life of my one friend recently when I started realizing that the only time she contacts me is when she wants something.
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Old 09-21-2014, 06:15 AM
 
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First, I would not assume the worst but I would have some expectations. Before a friend can ask for something, I would ask after the hellos, "Did you get my message last week? I missed you at ____." or "What have you been up to?" and then "What are your plans this week?"

Now, you mentioned that you do like to help out her son. You can still do this but my help is more along the lines of "What have you done so far?, What do you think may be the problem?, What plan do you have in place?"
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Old 09-21-2014, 09:58 PM
 
Location: USA
1,590 posts, read 1,724,025 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
. And now I feel stupid for even making an issue about it. She's made a big effort now to initiate texts, but now it feels dumb. Like, "good morning" texts and "have a nice day" texts and "have a good night" texts. But not really any conversations, which is what I have been missing.

So I'm kind of wishing I had never said anything and just waited for her to come back around because it feels forced now.
If you didn't say anything, you would be harboring bitterness. So it's better that you did say something, at least you can see that she is trying. This is a lose-lose situation. Both ways wouldn't make you feel good.

Sometimes we have to allow the friendship to get lost. I mean we can't hold on to it against their will, right? If she is not chit chatting anymore with you, then just consider that time past. It's sad, and you can mourn it. But you need to allow her to move on.

If she needs help with something, just be happy that you can help because she is a good person that you got to know along your journey.

This life is like this:nothing is permanent. People's roads meet with ours for a few days or years and then the roads separate. It's just the way it is. Don't hold it against her, it's not like she can do anything about it. And feeling bitter about it won't help you either.

Hopefully you'll meet new people who will fill that role from now on.
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Old 09-22-2014, 04:07 AM
 
2,928 posts, read 1,525,758 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveWisdom View Post
If you didn't say anything, you would be harboring bitterness. So it's better that you did say something, at least you can see that she is trying. This is a lose-lose situation. Both ways wouldn't make you feel good.

Sometimes we have to allow the friendship to get lost. I mean we can't hold on to it against their will, right? If she is not chit chatting anymore with you, then just consider that time past. It's sad, and you can mourn it. But you need to allow her to move on.

If she needs help with something, just be happy that you can help because she is a good person that you got to know along your journey.

This life is like this:nothing is permanent. People's roads meet with ours for a few days or years and then the roads separate. It's just the way it is. Don't hold it against her, it's not like she can do anything about it. And feeling bitter about it won't help you either.

Hopefully you'll meet new people who will fill that role from now on.
Good advice. I believe the only kind of relationship that can be counted on is marriage and the parent to child relationship. Both require a commitment.
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Old 09-22-2014, 06:09 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
15,112 posts, read 11,992,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissycs View Post
Oh my god, I feel like I'm twelve sometimes.

What's been your experience? Do you bring stuff up that's bothering you?
Do you work through it? Do you just let it drop and move on?
First, your feelings are valid, feel them. It hurt you.

We all have an Inner Child and you are in touch with it, good.
You felt left out, neglected, rejected, not a priority anymore, probably...all natural triggers
usually from our childhood.
As long as we don't 'blame' the other person and own our own hurt it is ok to tell the other one
'I feel hurt when you don't call me and then text me briefly bec you
need a favor... bec we used to be closer... I'm not blaming you for anything, just letting you know,
I miss you."
That is putting your real feelings on your sleeve...scary place to put your heart.
But, if you care about this person...let 'em know, I say.

If they then can't keep up the closeness...bec of being busy or whatever...at least they
know you cared for them and what you used to have meant something to you... no
embarrassment for that...we
are made of heart...tho, hurt has placed walls around it.

I was told I was neglecting a friend...and I called her more...it was at the beginning
of a new relationship for me at the time. She is a therapist extraordinaire...and was honest.
We talk about how men just can not fill the sister sharing a woman friend can.

I have heard so many of my friends and my own sister express hurt bec another woman friend is
not including them as much in their life...it hurts!

And, often another woman represents a relationship to our mom or favorite aunt or
older sister we had in our childhood...our confidant.
We have to face that they just can not fill that need we have in us...that is why they fail us,
so we will search for that 'Something' else....that is always there....ok, hope
I didn't cross a line there...but, it is the nature of this life...that we search
for that Thing that is permanent and real...it has been called Man's Eternal Quest.
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Old 09-22-2014, 06:30 AM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,062,384 times
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I think you need to define "conflict". If it is a disagreement over "hey, you're always 15 minutes late when we do something", that's something you have to decide for yourself if it is a friendship killer. If the friend is wanting you to participate in something that you feel is immoral, illegal or unhealthy, then you can certainly stand your own ground ("that's not for me, sorry") without imposing judgement on the other person. Or, it could be a simple misunderstanding . . .

I have a very good friend who is just in a very stressful part of her life right now. Her marriage isn't the best, they have severe financial issues, her job is tenuous, she has had on-going issues with one of her children who can't seem to grow up and keeps making poor choices. But she is very private, and unless you knew her very well, you'd never know any of this. A few years ago, I was hurt because it seemed like she had "dropped me" after almost 20 years, so I made up my mind that she would have to make the next overture. A couple of months later, I made a temporary move with my husband to a town about 1100 miles away, and I was just curious how long it would take my friend to notice I was gone. Three months after I moved, I got a text one day that said, "Hey, want to walk (a nearby trail) after work?" "Would love to, but I'm living in ____ right now." "WHATTT!?!" "Well, I was going to tell you the next time you called . . ." She called me immediately, and was distressed that I hadn't told her, and I explained that I felt like I had came to feel like I was intruding every time I contacted her (a text or a phone call about twice a month), and maybe I was slow in taking the hint that she wasn't interested in maintaining the relationship. We cleared the air, and we are still friends.
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