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There's a book called, "Be Careful What You Pray For," by Dr. Larry Dossey.
It's a GREAT book, and I highly recommend it. There's a story in it about a medical survey that was done many years ago on AIDS patients. They found that some AIDS patients were experiencing much greater longevity than other AIDS patients, and so they started doing a lot of research to find out what the difference was between these two groups.
They had the patients fill out a survey with dozens of questions. Reviewing the questionnaire, there wasn't significant difference between the patients who died "on schedule" (as per the original diagnosis) and the patients who lived long past all expectations, with one exception.
There was one question that separated the two groups. "IF a friend asks you too do a favor for them, and you don't want to do the favor, would you allow yourself to tell them, NO?"
When I first read this "question," I thought, the ones who lived the longest were the most unselfish.
Nope.
The ones who lived the longest had the ability to tell their friends, "Sorry, but I can't help you."
It's not that deep. It's natural to make concessions to accommodate others.
You have to know yourself well enough to know when it's right to do this. How important is choosing the seat in the theater? If it bothers you, then you need to speak up. If it doesn't bother you, then let it go and let your friend choose the seat.
There's a book called, "Be Careful What You Pray For," by Dr. Larry Dossey.
It's a GREAT book, and I highly recommend it. There's a story in it about a medical survey that was done many years ago on AIDS patients. They found that some AIDS patients were experiencing much greater longevity than other AIDS patients, and so they started doing a lot of research to find out what the difference was between these two groups.
They had the patients fill out a survey with dozens of questions. Reviewing the questionnaire, there wasn't significant difference between the patients who died "on schedule" (as per the original diagnosis) and the patients who lived long past all expectations, with one exception.
There was one question that separated the two groups. "IF a friend asks you too do a favor for them, and you don't want to do the favor, would you allow yourself to tell them, NO?"
When I first read this "question," I thought, the ones who lived the longest were the most unselfish.
Nope.
The ones who lived the longest had the ability to tell their friends, "Sorry, but I can't help you."
Great book, and I love that story!
Holy Moley...I never heard this!!!
Will give you a rep tomorrow...as usual
they say I have given too many in a 24 hr period.
Thanks!
Please understand everyone...I do not have a problem with theater seats. LOL......or compromise...
that is why I haven't chosen the seats in 30 years with anyone with me...I don't mind.
I used that as an example to get the ball rollin' here...I should have been clearer.
I do know others with severe co dependent issues...I did 20 years ago...so I understand and
thought it would be a helpful topic.
And that point about knowing what you want is very imp.
This was always a huge battle with my ex. He was so afraid of being taken advantage of, that he erected "boundaries" that pretty much amounted to "I won't do anything that I don't want to do". Unfortunately this extended to anything I wanted to do, including spending time including holidays with my family, having to walk out of restaurants I wanted to eat in because they sat us near little children, etc. He couldn't pick his battles, everything he didn't like or approve of became a battle. The thing is, he is not happy, he has never been able to get where he wants to be career wise or relationship-wise, because his insecure ego will not allow him to keep his eyes on the prize (i.e. what you want in life).
I want to be happy, to have friends and a close relationship with my family, to have a happy work life with as little stress as possible. So I choose what is really important for me to defend and what is trivial in the long run.
One book I love, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" has little wisdom gems on each page, one of them says to ask yourself before you get mad "Will this matter a year from now?" If the answer is no, most times it's probably better to let it go.
This is not to say if you are constantly feeling used or disrespected that you shouldn't address it. I am quite vocal when I feel something isn't fair, and I have no problem at all making requests of people, but in general I try to let the little things go.
In the long run, putting other people before ourselves is the right thing. Even if, at the time, you're about to choke your sister. You need to strike a bargain. We sit where you want but you buy the popcorn!
With people you love, it is only really controversial if you really give a crap about the issue.
Is this the hill you wanna die on?
If a friend wants to go grab a bite, I let them pick. Yes, I don't like Italian or Mexican, but who cares? I will find something less objectionable on the menu if it means they have a good time.
When I invite, we will go somewhere I prefer. Thai, Vietnamese, South American, Indian, etc.
I don't know anyone who does not prefer the middle seats just back of the middle of the rows at the theater.
I don't care what wine we are drinking (though I really only enjoy cabs or malbecs) or beer or whatever. I have my preferences, but if it makes them happy, whatever.
It is only once in a while, so I can just let it go.
I struggled with this in my thirties. It's a growing process that requires self-awareness and it sounds like you've got that. Learning to distinguish between a want and a need is important. Beyond the physical needs it takes some time to learn about your psychological/emotional needs. And those also change with time.
Usually I knew when I'd failed myself by the resulting resentment, depression or otherwise unpleasant feelings I had when I made a decision in favor of someone else at a time when I couldn't afford to be that generous. From there I began to delay my response time to requests until I had time to take my emotional temperature.
For instance, when the school called and wanted me to bring a pan of bars, my first response would automatically be "yes." As a busy working mom sometimes by the end of the week I'd committed to so many projects that my weekend was full of other people's work. So to give me a while to assess my week and see how much spare time I'd have, instead I would answer, "May I give you a call back in an hour and let you know?"
Obviously sometimes you have to wing it. But I have learned to also admit I've made a mistake and to take back a yes. When I have to do that, I've provided an alternative so they aren't left hanging. Its not good trait to make a habit of this but now and then it helps in a pinch.
For instance, "I've realized I'm way too busy this week to bake bars, but I will buy some at the store and have someone drop them off."
And in that way, paying attention to whether my needs for rest and relaxation were being met before I depleted myself, I gradually learned to pace myself. In order to do that I also had to learn about assertive communication -being straightforward and honest about my needs to others. Sounds simple but actually can take some practice.
Friendships? For me one-sided ones just don't work. If I'm doing all the giving, listening, comforting it's going to be too lopsided to maintain. It's just got to be give and take on both sides. Not like keeping track but just a gentle flow over time that will feel right to both people.
Really and truly! I'd never heard that before, but it makes a good point with a few words!
Thanks!!
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...or compromise...
