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For people who think hoarding does not pose a danger to others, imagine the fire hazard that has already been created. And remember the OP lives in an "old farmhouse" 10 miles from the nearest services.
Yep, he is stealing food. When I donate to the pantry I expect it to get eaten ASAP, not go to someone who clearly has plenty and then won't eat it. IMHO take all the food back and explain to the person in charge where it is coming from. Let them deal with it.
Yep, he is a hoarder, and I'll bet a gazillion dollars that the hoarding is the REASON his marriage didn't work, not the other way around.
You can't help him. Do NOT let him put his stuff in your shed/garage/whatever. He needs professional help and you need to man up.
I totally agree with this.
Until you put your foot down, you are enabling him. Imagine, at the rate you say he is bringing stuff home, what your home is going to look like in 6mths???, 1 yr??? Say something! Or, suffer in silence like you've been doing.
My daughter's boyfriend became a hoarder. When she complained to him about it he didn't stop. She moved out and about a week later he commited suicide. Be careful. There's something wrong with folks like that to begin with. This happened in Denver, Co. last year.
There must be much more to this. OP....Don't b afraid to set boundaries. You have to, or you should never rent out a room.
Wondering, is there any relationship going on between you two? Another poster asked earlier, What gave him the idea that he could start putting stuff all over your home? Most folks would never make that assumption, with you're inviting it.
You may need to analyse yourself a bit, What kept you from saying something when it started? And, what keeps you from it now?
Do you have anything in your background that makes you a people pleaser, co-dependency issues? Something is off for this to be allowed, and it isn't compassion
If I remember, isn't OP renting herself?
When I owned a little house in Colorado, I found that tenant laws were pretty loose. I doubt the renter has a lease or anything formal. Is Rambler concerned with the house owner finding out there's another tenant?
If I remember correctly, the sheriff will come in with a shotgun after a three-day notice is posted on the door to vacate premises- and that's *with* a lease.
I caution Rambler if the man is unstable beyond his hoarding. It would appear he hardly sat down and thought rationally, "Gee, I think I can bring tons of junk into this woman's house and it's OK." It is an anxiety-driven illness and isn't likely to ease with simple straightforward expectations to reason. I fear Rambler might be in a bad situation here with someone who is low on options and maybe rationality. Be careful, Rambler, and keep us posted.
My daughter's boyfriend became a hoarder. When she complained to him about it he didn't stop. She moved out and about a week later he commited suicide. Be careful. There's something wrong with folks like that to begin with. This happened in Denver, Co. last year.
How awful. What a nightmare for all involved. But yeah, it's testimony to what could be going on inside the person. Your daughter is not responsible for his suicide, but I imagine it's still going to haunt her.
If I remember, isn't OP renting herself?
When I owned a little house in Colorado, I found that tenant laws were pretty loose. I doubt the renter has a lease or anything formal. Is Rambler concerned with the house owner finding out there's another tenant?
If I remember correctly, the sheriff will come in with a shotgun after a three-day notice is posted on the door to vacate premises- and that's *with* a lease.
I caution Rambler if the man is unstable beyond his hoarding. It would appear he hardly sat down and thought rationally, "Gee, I think I can bring tons of junk into this woman's house and it's OK." It is an anxiety-driven illness and isn't likely to ease with simple straightforward expectations to reason. I fear Rambler might be in a bad situation here with someone who is low on options and maybe rationality. Be careful, Rambler, and keep us posted.
You're right. It's not rational at all.
And you know what? You don't even have to live with the person for the person to start to encroach. I have a 1BR apartment, and this spring I cleared out a lot of doodads and gadgets from my ex. I realize he meant well with a lot of them, as they were things like stainless steel water bottles, UV toothbrush cleaners, etc. But I never used them and I just don't have the room for them. Every time I opened my linen closet to get something out, it became a project.
But, see, that's where it wasn't rational. Those items came from germaphobia, but hoarding eventually creates filth. One time he knocked a sponge into his kitchen sink and left it there, then proceeded to blame me for it as though I had scrubbed a toilet with it and deliberately put it amongst the dishes. Silverware had to be put in the dishwasher a very particular way. Yet the entire time we dated--almost 7 years--the same package of hash-brown potatoes sat in his freezer. It's probably still there. And it took remodeling his bathroom to get rid of a whole host of expired items, items that could have really made someone sick if they mistakenly grabbed them and used them thinking they were new.
And please don't get me started on the lengths I had to go through to get him to do the stuff exchange after we broke up. If I hadn't been holding onto a nice piece of artwork I had gotten him for his birthday, I'd probably still be asking for my stuff.
Just a guess but maybe this compulsive 'collecting' is some kind of self soothing behavior related to the divorce.
I would sit down with him and set up firm boundaries. Start writing a list now so you won't forget. If he can't live by the rules, he needs to live elsewhere. Next you need to start learning how to evict a renter in your state so you are prepared to start eviction proceedings if necessary. And make it clear you have no choice but to do this if he can't get all the crap out of your house!
He rents a ROOM not the whole HOUSE! Maybe give him a shelf or cabinet in the kitchen for his food and kitchen items. A shelf or part of one in the fridge and freezer, but beyond that NO! The items will be thrown away. You need to SPEAK UP NOW!!! Or you will be buried alive under 4 million cans of beans from Bob's Big Boy that expired in 1973!
At least you're not married to him! My husband a couple of years ago started going to estate sales and buying vintage/antique things and reselling them. He has most of the stuff in booths he rents in antique malls, but he was acquiring more stuff than could fit in his booths and he started bring it home and filling the garage, spare bedroom and family room with it. I was very unhappy and he did end up getting most of it out of the house. But he also tends to collect other "stuff" that he thinks he might need/might use someday. We are working on that. We don't need 20 tubes of caulk! We don't need 10 furnace filters or 10 Skil Saw batteries. We don't need to keep leftover tile from when we remodeled the bathroom. We don't need three mowers or a motorcycle that hasn't run in 3 years. Or camping equipment we haven't used since 1995.
My husband is about 10 years older than me and his Parents are the same age as my Grandparents
(all deceased now) so he and I were essentially raised by the same generation.
My Mother is a hoarder so I grew up with it and I am not because I cannot stand all the clutter around but I understand the hoarder issue so I tolerate it to a point but I do require that I not see it either.
I think my version of hoarding is minor league in comparison to what I read on here. My weakness is electronics as I have some really nice vintage speakers I have picked up. I have stopped with that and am satisfied with what I have unless it be the occassional scrap of usable lumber or scrap metal. I can get money for the metal or use it for barter when my mechanic buddy works on my vehicles.
My ex was far worst as I am still finding her crap in the basement; how many empty jars and unused tupperware does one household need? She went overboard on shampoos and other bathroom crap. I probably need to have a bio hazard team come in to clean tthat junk out. She goes to estate sales to this day and buys needless crap just to be out and buying it. To be far, she does go to those she knows of in the nicer neighborhoods and get brand new stuff but how many mink coats does one need, especially when not wearing one? One cool thing about her estate sales was an older gentleman we know went with her and he scored a blob of 24 karat gold on a stick stuck in a rock for $1K and it is worth at least 3x that. Ugly as sin but it is art - I guess.
She did find a nice $$$ koa wood acoustic guitar for cheap but doesn't play. She knows I do and I suspect she picked it up to taunt me in some fashion. Doesn't work that way, hon.
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How awful. What a nightmare for all involved. But yeah, it's testimony to what could be going on inside the person. Your daughter is not responsible for his suicide, but I imagine it's still going to haunt her.
