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Old 09-22-2014, 10:04 AM
 
2,998 posts, read 1,999,899 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Although I think that the people yelling at you sound rude, are you 100% sure that it's not something about you that comes across as anti-social?

I became friends only recently with a woman I worked with for years. She looked and acted like the biggest stuck-up snob you'd never want to meet. She's beautiful physically and always perfectly dressed, not a hair out of place, wears high heels all the time because her mother taught her that's how a lady dresses, etc. And the expression on her face was always one of "I am superior to you". She sort of "looks down her nose" at people. I was OK working with her, but I just assumed she was a stuck-up b**** by her appearance and coldness.

And then, almost accidentally, we discovered we have the same interest in writing. We started to talk, and it turned out she is a very nice woman. Her perfectionism in appearance is from her ethnic background. She asked me why people think she is a snob (I didn't say it to her--other people have) when she is merely shy, and I really didn't know how to answer except that she LOOKS stuck up, including the imperious expression she wears on her face. Maybe a smile would be helpful.

I know her better now. Her life is not perfect. Her husband left her last year, and she is struggling with that because she is religious. But we've gone away on trips to a writer's retreat, and I've read her work and she's very talented.

So I don't know what to say, but people often do form judgments based on appearances, and if you don't smile or you act like the people near you have cooties, people might very well make those negative judgments.

I'm quiet. I don't chatter. When people talk, I listen and I think. If I really have something to add, I will.

A few years back, a friend (in a writer's group...coincidence or WHAT?) told me I come off as 'snotty.'

Her words, not mine.

In retrospect, it was a good thing. It made me aware that some people---not all---will view the quiet ones that way.
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Old 09-22-2014, 10:24 AM
 
20,323 posts, read 16,496,163 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrian71 View Post
Yeah, except it's not a funny thing to say. It's rude and insensitive. It doesn't matter how cheerily it was said.
It's only rude if the person takes it that way. if you know you're antisocial, I say embrace it. You are only going to be offended if you think being who you are isn't good enough and you think it's shameful to be considered antisocial. IMO they were just trying to include OP in comraderie. OP is antisocial he's okay with it, so I truly don't understand why take offense to it?
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Old 09-22-2014, 10:31 AM
 
2,079 posts, read 2,594,731 times
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I guess I could be considered "shy". although I prefer introverted. I was never really much of a social butterfly. I often clash hard with the outgoing "extroverts". they see me as potential prey and will make some ridiculous comments about my quiet personality. I will call them out and usually have some sort of witty comeback that will hurt their delicate feelings

I like to purposely project a weird, eccentric, insane vibe to some extroverts just so that they leave me alone. it works 90% of the time.

more and more people accept me nowadays because they realize that I don't care what anyone thinks.
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Old 09-22-2014, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Way Up North
225 posts, read 229,197 times
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MSPLove, I am so sorry for what you have gone through due to your shyness. I remember feeling exactly as you do when I was your age. You do outgrow a lot of the shyness, but you still remain an introvert...which I really like. I like quiet, my privacy, a lot of "me time," and small gatherings. I avoid large parties like the plague. I have many friends to do things with, and the majority of them are introverts like me. We are very sensitive individuals who have a lot of empathy for others. I have known many totally rude and insensitive extroverts who couldn't show empathy to save their lives. Granted, there are many nice extroverts too, but it is the rude ones who hurt us.

Also, it is always the extroverts who make up rules, etc. that we introverts are uncomfortable with. For instance, I remember when I was younger, I used to dread being singled out in a crowd...example: "Everyone stand up and tell us about yourself." They would just go person by person. I remember thinking that they should make it optional, "Who wants to stand up and tell us about yourself?" Even as an adult, while I will do something like that, I still do not like it. Recently I went to a new church. During the homily part of the service, the lady minister commented that she saw a couple new faces in the audience. She asked us to stand up and introduce ourselves. I did not do that, and I never went back to that church. I expected more sensitivity from a minister.

I hope you can learn to stand up for yourself when obnoxious people say things like, "Are you over there being anti-social" or being told that you have an attitude problem at work. Once again, we are not understood. Quiet people are not anti-social and do not have attitude problems. I read that 75% of the population are extroverts, and only 25% of us are introverted. The extroverts just do not understand us...which sometimes is good, because they do not know how rude we find them at times. I was happy to see that you stood up to Pitt Chick. Sometimes it is easier to stand up to someone on a BB board than it is in real life though.

I remember one place I worked had a big staff meeting as there was literally a "war" between two different cliques in the department. I remember the manager singling me out and asking which side I took. I had only been on the job about 5 months. I had not taken either side. I just wanted to do my job. Everyone sat there gawking at me. I said that I preferred to remain neutral and didn't want to get involved. Several people on both sides started literally screaming at me and saying that I was involved whether I wanted to be or not. I was only 22 years old then. I remember getting up and running out of the room crying. The manager's boss came to me later with the manager and made the manager apologize to me. I only stayed on that job about 1 l/2 years as the war zone did not get any better.

I wish you the very best. I understand what you are going through. BTW, I have sent you a friend request.
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Old 09-22-2014, 11:02 AM
 
2,059 posts, read 1,296,151 times
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Others have assumed I am stuck up multiple times in my life simply because I was quiet. I really do not understand any possible connection between the two things. I'm friendly when I interact with people, but like a lot of others said here, I do not jump into a conversation already going on, etc.

Some gregarious people simply do not understand that there are people who aren't like them. I think it's indicative of the general lack of empathy in society these days and the horrible idea that different is bad. Maybe some are in awe that a person can be perfectly content with their own thoughts, much in the same way people are in awe over Bigfoot photos.
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Old 09-22-2014, 11:28 AM
 
4,772 posts, read 6,570,713 times
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I think putting labels on people is not good in general. I know that some people would label me an extrovert (because they've known me a long time, been around me a lot, are comfortable with me, and have laughed at my jokes)....and others, who don't know me well and have not been around me much might label me an introvert because I didn't say much to them.

It depends on the situation and also just my general mood at the moment whether I act like and introvert or an extrovert.

I am very comfortable being by myself and certainly do prefer it to being with annoying people. LOL

So, yeah, be kind to all people (or at least don't be mean) and always remember that the person who is giving you grief may be going through some terrible private grief of their own.

Another thing to remember....Proverbs says that "In a multitude of words trangression is not lacking."

I once told a neighbor that I'd love to have 20 acres of land and I'd live right in the middle of it so no one could live close to me....they guy said, "What's the matter with you, are you anti-socialist?" (yes, as a matter of fact, I am...LOL)
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Old 09-22-2014, 03:32 PM
 
12,895 posts, read 6,175,580 times
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Great thread!

I'm a strong introvert (and when I took Myers-Briggs, this was confirmed). As a child, I was painfully shy which lead to me being bullied. I'd go home to a verbally and emotionally abusive mother, so no safe place to fall. My father used to make comments (basically digs) about how I hated making phone calls. It turns out when I was older, he admitted that he, too, hated talking on the phone! Gee...it wouldn't have hurt him to be understanding and supportive!

When I was in high school, a teacher told me that because I was quiet, people thought I was stuck up. In fact, I was the opposite of that!

All this reminds me of something that happened at one of my jobs. I worked with a couple of women who were also shy. We gravitated towards one another and got along just fine. One day, a new woman was hired who was extremely quiet. Someone would say "hello" to her and she was just give a quick smile back. Well, one day one of the other shy women asked me what I thought of the new hire. The co-worker said to me "She makes me feel like I'm a blabbermouth!" I was glad that she said this because I felt the same way. Then we both wondered if the new co-worker was even shyer than us or was she just aloof? See...even us shy people wonder about those who are even quieter than us!

As a kid, I was raised to believe that if any adult talked to me in an abusive manner, it was because I deserved it. So, I tended to remain quiet when that happened. When I would tell my parents what happened, they would ask what I did that made this person talk to me like that. When I said "nothing", they didn't believe me.

It took me being an adult and out on my own to realize that no one deserves to be talked to in an abusive manner and that no one should put up with that.

It's even harder being shy when you have self-esteem and self-confidence issues.

When I had my daughter, I knew that it was important to model good behavior. It also forced me to become more assertive because I knew that she needed to learn how to be that way. Believe me, she listened as I would make phone calls to resolve customer service issues and that forced me to speak up and not allow myself to get taken advantage of. Fortunately, she ended up by nature being extroverted.

Today, she works as a restaurant manager and has no problems speaking up and leading. That makes me proud.
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Old 09-22-2014, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Way Up North
225 posts, read 229,197 times
Reputation: 420
Default Shy People

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
Others have assumed I am stuck up multiple times in my life simply because I was quiet. I really do not understand any possible connection between the two things. I'm friendly when I interact with people, but like a lot of others said here, I do not jump into a conversation already going on, etc.

Some gregarious people simply do not understand that there are people who aren't like them. I think it's indicative of the general lack of empathy in society these days and the horrible idea that different is bad. Maybe some are in awe that a person can be perfectly content with their own thoughts, much in the same way people are in awe over Bigfoot photos.
I totally agree. I also have been considered stuck up (particularly when I was younger) because I would just do my job, be pleasant when I had to interact with people, and go home.

I think part of the reason that we outgrow some of our shyness as we get older is that we eventually get angry over the years at the way we are treated. People consider us stuck up, uptight, anti-social, snooty, and a host of other names. Usually we are the deep thinkers, perfectionists, and detail people at work who come up with ideas and find solutions to problems. Yesterday a poster told me that I was "wound too tight" because I have high morals and am an introvert. And...then we are usually looked down on or criticized at work because of these labels.

Yet, many of the extroverts come off as bold, cocky, outspoken, obnoxious, insensitive, loopy, and many other terms. Their personalities often remind me of used car salesmen, and the quality of their work is frequently quick and lacking in details. Yet, they get away with it and are often the ones who get the promotions because they don't mind brown-nosing to the boss at lunch and parties...and are great at schmoozing with the clients.

For the sake of clarity, I did not say that all extroverts are this way, but many of the ones I have known are. They both serve a purpose in the workplace. As I said, usually introverts are the deeper thinkers, but the extroverts more often look at the big picture. Introverts can be great leaders, and extroverts can be detail people, but the stigma of what an introvert is and how they are treated boggles my mind.
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Old 09-22-2014, 04:15 PM
 
1,035 posts, read 1,646,453 times
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Be nice to fry people. Just because they're made of sliced potatoes doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
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Old 09-22-2014, 05:39 PM
 
4,728 posts, read 4,459,109 times
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Being quiet and being anti-social are very different. I am neither, but I have friends who are quiet. I wouldn't not call them anti-social. They are just choosy about who they spend time with and their words. Instead of filling air with noise, they listen and enjoy silence. I enjoy them and their quietness makes me feel comfortable.
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