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Old 09-25-2014, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles, CA
555 posts, read 610,826 times
Reputation: 1170

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mpowering1 View Post
it's a form of manipulation. Your mom is laying on the guilt trip to strong arm you so your choices align with her needs.

i would suggest one conversation with her where you respectfully tell her that the guilt trips are more than you can deal with and if she continues doing this you'll have no choice other than to withhold all information from her that might displease her. You don't want to do this, but you may not have a choice.

She'll continue, of course, but then just hold your hand up, shake your head and say, "not open for discussion, mom!" use the broken record technique and keep repeating that over and over without changing the wording. eventually she'll stop as soon as she sees your hand going up.

Good luck!
+1
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:42 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 9,731,978 times
Reputation: 7394
No one can give you a guilt trip if you refuse to go. It can be tough, but stand your ground. You're looking out for yourself in this life.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:59 AM
 
9,228 posts, read 18,884,895 times
Reputation: 22142
It amazes me how many people out there function by guilt-tripping the people in their lives, and how many people give in to it, or at least get affected by it.

Someone trying to put guilt upon me has never motivated me to do, or not do, anything. Think of it like trying to train a dog using spinach. Spinach will not motivate a dog, and a dog will not change its behavior in response to spinach.

Be the dog. Mom's guilt-tripping is your spinach.

When people have tried to guilt-trip me, I actually have the opposite from their desired reaction: I'm even less inclined to do what they want me to do. The funny thing is, since they do get reinforcement for this from others in life, the behavior is very persistent, and they just don't give it up.

I've had two very close long term relationships with people who were raised in "guilt trip families" one being a friend, and one being a serious boyfriend. They would both do these guilt-trip things, and they would still attempt to use that technique even after it had never worked on me for years. You know, that old, "Oh forget it, it's really no big deal...no, forget it, sorry I asked...whatever, I thought you cared, guess I was wrong, oh well..." I just let them sulk and stand my ground. "I still love you, but I will not do that and I won't respond to guilt inducement. I'll still be here when you get over it."
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Old 09-25-2014, 02:17 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,695 posts, read 6,985,945 times
Reputation: 14072
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You tell her this exact thing ^^^. But instead of "crazy," say "unfair."

Then, from then on, when she starts doing this, say very clearly, "Mom, I understand you worry. But Wife and I are very excited about this plan and hope you will stop trying to discourage us."

If she continues, tell her that her behavior makes you NOT want to call her, and that you hope she will stop because you certainly want to keep in touch.

Then change the subject.
This!

Only instead of saying "crazy", or even "unfair", I'd tell her, "it's not going to happen, this is MY life not yours.".
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Old 09-25-2014, 03:32 PM
 
1,059 posts, read 965,820 times
Reputation: 982
I don't have parents any more but my older relatives are guilt tripping me on getting married NOW. I don't even have a gf yet. Every time I talk to them, they always ask me about my status. And then they tell me, "you're not getting younger" I usually ignore them but now im getting to the point where im getting pissed about it. I need to tell them to step off or I'll won't talk to them in the mean time.
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Old 09-25-2014, 05:38 PM
 
3,279 posts, read 6,588,993 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pdizo916 View Post
I don't have parents any more but my older relatives are guilt tripping me on getting married NOW. I don't even have a gf yet. Every time I talk to them, they always ask me about my status. And then they tell me, "you're not getting younger" I usually ignore them but now im getting to the point where im getting pissed about it. I need to tell them to step off or I'll won't talk to them in the mean time.
I have a grandmother who does that all the time. She will not shut up about me attending this church group for singles that she found. She also convinced my dad to buy me an Eharmony subcription for my birthday (which I did not use). I have told her many, many times that I am not currently interested in dating but she won't back off. She always starts with this sad, pathetic little voice about how she wants me to be happy and that I would be a good husband. She has also done the sad, pathetic voice thing when she has wanted to clean my apartment in the past (I figure that she wants to go snooping), which I admit is messy, but I can take care of it myself. She always sounds like she's about to cry when she puts these guilt trips on me. It's all about trying to get me to do what she wants, and even though I never give in to her, she will not stop.

Whenever I go anywhere for work or on a vacation, the very first question she asks is "Did you miss us?," like she's afraid that I don't care about the family, yet I always visit them on a weekly basis.

For the people who have to deal with this type of behavior from manipulative relatives, you have my sympathy.

Last edited by statisticsnerd; 09-25-2014 at 05:48 PM..
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