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People who engage in guilt-tripping will do so as long as they get a payoff. This is why guilt trips seem to run in some families. I come from a family where, if someone even tried to guilt-trip, they are swiftly shut down because guilt trips are never rewarded. In other families, each generation learns it from the previous one, people give in, and the behavior gets reinforced. Somewhere along the line, your mom learned "laying a guilt trip on people will get my needs met."
You've gotten some good advice about what to say. Just choose your own words, be firm but loving, and then most importantly stick with what you say. Don't give in.
Best advice here is to share less. There is no amount of explaining/confronting that is going to change the way these old bats operate.
I know, first hand.
I am at the point where we don't discuss anything remotely argumentative...politics, religion and the like; nor do we discuss my personal life whatsoever. It is sad, but there is no conversation around my health, my family, my job, my lifestyle choices nor anything which gives her the opportunity to lay one on me.
Moving? Here's the new address. It's been three years, and she still squawks about "you chose to move there'" if I mention that it has rained for a week/been dry for a week and I wish the sun would come out/would get a shower to cool things down!
You can't moderate the guilt trip behavior so you block and channel.
It's a form of manipulation. Your mom is laying on the guilt trip to strong arm you so your choices align with her needs.
I would suggest one conversation with her where you respectfully tell her that the guilt trips are more than you can deal with and if she continues doing this you'll have no choice other than to withhold all information from her that might displease her. You don't want to do this, but you may not have a choice.
She'll continue, of course, but then just hold your hand up, shake your head and say, "Not open for discussion, mom!" Use the broken record technique and keep repeating that over and over without changing the wording. Eventually she'll stop as soon as she sees your hand going up.
I'm sure this is a thread that occurs often. I'm hoping my situation is unique enough to make a new thread, however. The ever occurring "guilt trip" parent.
So, to get to the point fast, my mother is an incredible guilt tripper, with ideals and notions in life that are completely different from my wife's and mine. To her, settling down and having children and finding any job is qualified as success. It seems the more children you pop out the more successful you really (lots of notions for us to start having kids, of course).
That is not our view point. My wife and I are both educated. I have a masters and my wife a bachelors. We moved across the country a year ago because I was offered an almost full ride scholarship to graduate school. Where a parent should be excited and encouraging, my parent(s) were not. In fact, the conversation consisted of her crying a lot (the guilt trip) and saying she is disappointed in me for moving away from the family. That I'd be better off staying at home and finding a job in a factory.
So, that was crazy. Other similar things have occurred, which may be her worrying more than guilt tripping, but they are both annoying. My wife and I went to Mexico for our honeymoon, for example. She was mad about it because she thought it was dangerous and that we should "just rent a hotel down the road because that's all we would be able to do." She was also (slightly less) upset a few weeks ago when we went on a missions trip to Guatemala, with a similar story that it was unsafe.
So this all sounds pretty crazy to me. Yesterday, just to add to the guilt tripping and drama, I informed her than in a year and a half, when my wife and i finish our educations, we have intentions to go and teach English internationally, most likely in South Korea. I informed her of the high pay, free rent, free plane tickets, cheap living conditions, etc. I also informed her that we would probably struggle to find any jobs in our field here in America for 5 or 10 years. Where I think enthusiasm and encouragement would entail, again she started guilt tripping. Pretty much ending he conversation because she was sobbing on the other end of the phone.
A mother can worry, I get it. And if her desire is to stay in the same place her whole life that's fine. But to put them ideas on me and expect or hope that I would follow them seems crazy.
How do you deal with such a situation, besides just blocking people out?!
I quit allowing my Mother to guilt me into doing anything when I was about 14 and she is very good at the attempt to guilt you.
She finally accepted the fact that I will do as I choose to do and she quit trying as often.
She still tries from time to time but I just remind her that I am 53 years old now and I do not need her permission and did not ask for her advice or opinion. I simply stated a fact to her that I am going to do whatever it is I am going to do. It is the end of that conversation and we move on with our day and our conversation.
PS ~~ Women do not "POP OUT" children and it is quite disrespectful to state such, especially about your Mother.
Your mother has issues. Her issues are not yours. It sounds to me like you and your wife have a great life planned together. So go out there and do what makes you happy and feel like you are doing something good with your lives. Accept that your mother may never really be happy about your choices and that is her problem.
You could also add to the advice given above, "I'm not asking for your permission, merely telling you what I am doing. I'm old enough to know when to take your good judgment into consideration and make my own life choices."
My mom is the same way. I went to a great college and have an interesting career that has taken me around the world but she couldn't care less. She would rather I lived in her basement and work as a parking garage attendant. If your mom is like my mom, there's nothing you can do to change her attitude. Just live your life and visit once in a while.
It's a form of manipulation. Your mom is laying on the guilt trip to strong arm you so your choices align with her needs.
I would suggest one conversation with her where you respectfully tell her that the guilt trips are more than you can deal with and if she continues doing this you'll have no choice other than to withhold all information from her that might displease her. You don't want to do this, but you may not have a choice.
She'll continue, of course, but then just hold your hand up, shake your head and say, "Not open for discussion, mom!" Use the broken record technique and keep repeating that over and over withoutchanging the wording. Eventually she'll stop as soon as she sees your hand going up.
Good luck!
The broken record technique works just as well for 50 year old mothers as it does for 5 year old children.
Consider training your mother to be practice for when you have a child and she melts down to get her way. State your position and STICK WITH IT. Do not respond in any way to emotional blackmail. Just say, "Mom, you raised me to be my own person and go after what I want in life. This is the decision my spouse and I made together. We are not you and we're sorry we're going to do something you don't agree with but we've made our plans and we're moving on with them." Then proceed as if you mean what you said and don't react no matter what she does.
CJust say, "Mom, you raised me to be my own person and go after what I want in life. This is the decision my spouse and I made together. We are not you and we're sorry we're going to do something you don't agree with but we've made our plans and we're moving on with them." Then proceed as if you mean what you said and don't react no matter what she does.
Exactly. Don't let her know when you are still in the planning stages, if you do she will think she has a say in your decision. Inform her of your decisions, don't discuss the ins and outs with her beforehand.
To expand on what Jukesgrrl posted above, I say something similar to my mom when she starts. I also say, "Mom, you raised me, you know me. Do you honestly think I haven't considered xyz in making this decision? Do you think you raised a dummy?"
That usually shuts her up for a moment.
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The broken record technique works just as well for 50 year old mothers as it does for 5 year old children.
