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Old 09-25-2014, 04:38 AM
 
399 posts, read 419,220 times
Reputation: 247

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So this guy used to be my best friend and we were really close for many years. We met in college. He even met and married my sister thru me and has a kid with her.

At some point he started to make fun of me in a mean way that would be at my expense and he would go out of his way to do it. I let it go as I didn't realize at that point that it was a deliberate and mean-spirited effort . Then I took up another occupation which is a passion of my mine. He consistently and repeatedly meanly made fun of it and doubted my success. I asked him to stop but he made fun of my request. I decided not to talk to him at all. He then sent me a b-day "greeting" which went something like this:

"happy bday! may your *my occupation here* dreams come true despite some people believing they probably won't "

I thought that was extremely mean and negative. At that point I already wasn't talking to him and of course I didn't reply.

It's been about 11 months since and we haven't communicated once although I kept in touch with my sister (I have no problems with her and never told her about this). Today I got a message from him saying: "happy new year! (jewish) I won't make fun of *my passion here* anymore. do u want to talk?"

I didn't really think it thru and replied "K. Happy New Year!" and he said he'll call me within a few days.

Then I thought about it some more... and I don't want to talk to him before he apologizes. I don't think he can just do that to someone and then come back into their life without apologizing. Crapping on someone's dreams is one of the worst things you can do. And I know forced apologies don't work but I don't want to talk to him without one because I feel what he did was extremely mean and bad and I was hurt.

So what should I do?

Last edited by vistas; 09-25-2014 at 04:58 AM..
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Old 09-25-2014, 04:45 AM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,993 posts, read 4,762,849 times
Reputation: 2241
So, this guy is your brother-in-law? Won't you be pretty much forced to have contact with him at times? If so, I'd probably at least hear him out. If not, it's up to you. Was the guy a good enough friend for you to miss him and wish you could patch things up? If so, I would express my feelings to him: "When you say X, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel demeaned. If we are to remain friends, I would appreciate you keeping your thoughts about my profession to yourself from here forward."
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Old 09-25-2014, 04:51 AM
 
399 posts, read 419,220 times
Reputation: 247
Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
So, this guy is your brother-in-law? Won't you be pretty much forced to have contact with him at times? If so, I'd probably at least hear him out. If not, it's up to you. Was the guy a good enough friend for you to miss him and wish you could patch things up? If so, I would express my feelings to him: "When you say X, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel demeaned. If we are to remain friends, I would appreciate you keeping your thoughts about my profession to yourself from here forward."
He is but we're not forced to have contact as we live in different places now. A long time ago he used to be a great friend, we really got along and almost read each other's minds. Like in college.

I also know that even if he feels guilty it's probably hard for him to apologize as he has a pretty big ego.

Last edited by vistas; 09-25-2014 at 05:01 AM..
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Old 09-25-2014, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,653 posts, read 1,232,400 times
Reputation: 6066
Law of nature, brother in laws are usually a-holes. I know mine is.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,407 posts, read 7,929,570 times
Reputation: 53540
Could it be that you just don't understand his sense of humor? Is it a realistic occupation or is it just some hobby you're trying to turn into a money making adventure? You're the only one that can decide if the friendship is worth saving but people say and do stupid things all the time. If your ego is made of fragile glass you're in for a lonely life. If you're now brother in law is indeed a rectum keep him at arms length and just be civil in public for your sister's sake.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:11 AM
 
26,357 posts, read 24,524,583 times
Reputation: 16024
agree with animalcrazy.....good advice.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:15 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,706,912 times
Reputation: 41128
Quote:
Originally Posted by vistas View Post
So this guy used to be my best friend and we were really close for many years. We met in college. He even met and married my sister thru me and has a kid with her.

At some point he started to make fun of me in a mean way that would be at my expense and he would go out of his way to do it. I let it go as I didn't realize at that point that it was a deliberate and mean-spirited effort . Then I took up another occupation which is a passion of my mine. He consistently and repeatedly meanly made fun of it and doubted my success. I asked him to stop but he made fun of my request. I decided not to talk to him at all. He then sent me a b-day "greeting" which went something like this:

"happy bday! may your *my occupation here* dreams come true despite some people believing they probably won't "

I thought that was extremely mean and negative. At that point I already wasn't talking to him and of course I didn't reply.

It's been about 11 months since and we haven't communicated once although I kept in touch with my sister (I have no problems with her and never told her about this). Today I got a message from him saying: "happy new year! (jewish) I won't make fun of *my passion here* anymore. do u want to talk?"

I didn't really think it thru and replied "K. Happy New Year!" and he said he'll call me within a few days.

Then I thought about it some more... and I don't want to talk to him before he apologizes. I don't think he can just do that to someone and then come back into their life without apologizing. Crapping on someone's dreams is one of the worst things you can do. And I know forced apologies don't work but I don't want to talk to him without one because I feel what he did was extremely mean and bad and I was hurt.

So what should I do?
This tells me he knew exactly what he was doing and doesn't care. I'd try to retract the email, or, I'd reply again and tell him, "On second thought, I just realized you knew what you were saying despite my feelings. Go ***** up a rope."
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:16 AM
 
7,385 posts, read 13,238,791 times
Reputation: 8997
There's no humor in making fun and putting down a person's choice, then when they ask that you stop doing that, you then mock the request... That birthday text definitely was mean spirited. He doesn't even send an apology, just a I'll do you a favor just so you don't keep avoiding me text.

OP, if he calls maybe you can tell him that you're not comfortable in continuing the relationship, but you'll be civil as he's your BIL. Don't ask for an apology, you shouldn't have to go begging for it.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:36 AM
 
26,357 posts, read 24,524,583 times
Reputation: 16024
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
There's no humor in making fun and putting down a person's choice, then when they ask that you stop doing that, you then mock the request... That birthday text definitely was mean spirited. He doesn't even send an apology, just a I'll do you a favor just so you don't keep avoiding me text.

OP, if he calls maybe you can tell him that you're not comfortable in continuing the relationship, but you'll be civil as he's your BIL. Don't ask for an apology, you shouldn't have to go begging for it.
yes indeed, really makes you wonder what her sister is forced to live with, and the OP should thank her lucky stars but be very concerned about her sister, he sounds a tad off....
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:40 AM
 
7,495 posts, read 9,765,419 times
Reputation: 7394
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1986pacecar View Post
Law of nature, brother in laws are usually a-holes. I know mine is.
Just like brothers, cousins, uncles, dads, granddads, etc. They punched your stuffed animals growing up, left dead mice hanging in baggies on your door, tore the mattress out from under you while you were sleeping Sunday morning, called you names, talked over your phone calls with jibberjabber, told you they liked your hair when it turned out awful...
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