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Old 09-25-2014, 10:57 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,355,321 times
Reputation: 2884

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What do you do when family members have an argument and refuse to speak to or even be in the same room as the family member they're arguing with?


My stepkids, my kids and all their kids all used to be so close and got together often but then my step-son's had an argument with their sister. Ok, fine. But, now they and their wives refuse to go to any event or family function where the sister will be. All of them have kids, and unfortunately the one's being most hurt by this situation are the kids, my grandkids.

The situation is affecting my married adult children too because they want to invite everyone to their kids parties, but the response they get is based on the the guest list and who's going to be attending.

Hubby and I are staying neutral in the original argument as are my kids, and refuse to take sides, but the aftermath of this whole situation is just getting ridiculous and putting a major strain on the entire family.

We've offered to bring the grandkids to these parties or events without having to involve the parent's but they refuse.

I've suggested they just ignore each other and sit on different sides of the room but they won't go for that either.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before? Any suggestions or advice other then pulling my hair out?

Thanks..
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Old 09-25-2014, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,660,626 times
Reputation: 6108
Smile There are times I miss my own father

My dad was pretty much a no nonsense guy. He would have gotten everyone together in a family meeting and basically, I don't know what it was about but you are all family and you all need to grow up, show respect for each other and know that your own children are watching your behavior.

Note: Since the children are young, maybe just your own children together and their spouses/SO's and just put it on the line that life is too short, etc.
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Old 09-25-2014, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,065,612 times
Reputation: 15762
You know, some kids never grow up . . .

I think it's time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the step-sons and their wives. And it's a meeting that your husband needs to be in charge of - try very hard to avoid it being something that he is doing only to keep their step-mother happy. It can be at a neutral place, but Dad needs to put his foot down and tell them, basically, that he really wishes they would stop acting like middle-school drama queens, get their act together, and start being a part of the family again.
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Old 09-25-2014, 07:43 PM
 
2,936 posts, read 1,527,862 times
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This has never happened in my family. In fact, I believe they would have seen a gathering as an opportunity to continue the fight.

Is it possible that the wives don't believe that it is possible to ignore each other? Do you have a tendency to side with the sister?
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Old 09-26-2014, 06:34 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,355,321 times
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I (we) aren't siding with anyone and actually go overboard trying to divide our time between the steps evenly so it doesn't even appear that we're siding with anyone.
Every year we go on a 'family vacation' with other most of the relatives. This year we went twice. Once with stepson's, their wives and kids, and the other with step daughter, husband and their kids.


When all the children were little, mine included, we always, always spent the same amount of money on their gifts, made sure their gift piles were even, made sure everyone went on vacations, and made sure that they were all treated the same. I guess we're still in that 'mode' but after reading everyone's responses, I think we've got to stop that. I realize by doing that we're probably not helping the situation but contributing to it. Not only that but it's so stressful for my husband and I worrying what the other one will think if we go to the other one's house. It's getting ridiculous.

They're all adult's now and they should behave that way. I love the phrase.. middle-school drama queens. I wish they'd find a happy medium where they could all be in the same place even if they ignore each other.
I have to give a little credit to my SD. She's been trying to keep the lines of communication open a bit between them all, but they've just ignored her attempts.
The stepson's or their wives even went so far as to unfriend SD's children from their FB accts. which I thought was very childish and sad.

My husband isn't the no nonsense type of guy so he's not going to put his foot down. Maybe in time he will, but he hasn't gotten to that point yet.
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Old 09-26-2014, 06:38 AM
Status: "Things change. Can I?" (set 22 days ago)
 
Location: in the miseries
3,302 posts, read 3,564,677 times
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Just invite everyone and whoever comes, comes.
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,065,612 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauriedeee View Post

My husband isn't the no nonsense type of guy so he's not going to put his foot down. Maybe in time he will, but he hasn't gotten to that point yet.
Well, as patriarch of this mess, seems to me that it's time for him to step up to the plate and continue to parent these kids -- to the tune of, "Adults don't act like this. Adults are supposed to be setting an example of how to solve conflict for their children." It may not solve the problem, but it puts them on notice that THEY have to solve the problem. And the sooner, the better, before this situation spirals out of control over a time period of more hurt feelings and more "he said/she said" crap. The longer it is allowed to go on, the harder it is going to be to solve the problem.

Otherwise, the only thing you can do is to continue to do the family events and continue to invite them. If they choose not to be a part of the family, that's on them. Seems a shame, but sounds like they are cutting off their nose to spite their face.
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Old 09-29-2014, 08:16 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,723 posts, read 3,355,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
Well, as patriarch of this mess, seems to me that it's time for him to step up to the plate and continue to parent these kids -- to the tune of, "Adults don't act like this. Adults are supposed to be setting an example of how to solve conflict for their children." It may not solve the problem, but it puts them on notice that THEY have to solve the problem. And the sooner, the better, before this situation spirals out of control over a time period of more hurt feelings and more "he said/she said" crap. The longer it is allowed to go on, the harder it is going to be to solve the problem.

Otherwise, the only thing you can do is to continue to do the family events and continue to invite them. If they choose not to be a part of the family, that's on them. Seems a shame, but sounds like they are cutting off their nose to spite their face.
To be honest, I don't think they really care. My husband has talked to them but he got nowhere. I guess until they come to their senses the situation won't change and we'll all just have to accept it.
I'm not going to rearrange my life for them though.
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Old 10-19-2014, 03:05 PM
 
32,037 posts, read 32,841,749 times
Reputation: 14920
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauriedeee View Post
What do you do when family members have an argument and refuse to speak to or even be in the same room as the family member they're arguing with?


My stepkids, my kids and all their kids all used to be so close and got together often but then my step-son's had an argument with their sister. Ok, fine. But, now they and their wives refuse to go to any event or family function where the sister will be. All of them have kids, and unfortunately the one's being most hurt by this situation are the kids, my grandkids.

The situation is affecting my married adult children too because they want to invite everyone to their kids parties, but the response they get is based on the the guest list and who's going to be attending.

Hubby and I are staying neutral in the original argument as are my kids, and refuse to take sides, but the aftermath of this whole situation is just getting ridiculous and putting a major strain on the entire family.

We've offered to bring the grandkids to these parties or events without having to involve the parent's but they refuse.

I've suggested they just ignore each other and sit on different sides of the room but they won't go for that either.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before? Any suggestions or advice other then pulling my hair out?

Thanks..
My sister isn't on speaking terms with my brother and my brother isn't on speaking to terms with my mother. But they do all attend family events organized by other family members. During these events they just ignore each other and sit on other sides of the room. They do attend mainly for the sake of my nieces & nephews. So I think your relatives need to do the same.
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