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I would go totally no contact. I have had to do this with my mother...yet again...been 3 years, the time before that, was for 10 years. I have no time for toxic people, been there done that..I pass.
As others have stated, it sounds like your mom has mental health issues.
Just ignore the email. She obviously fixates and obsesses on things and acts out her delusions. I have a relative (by marriage) who became convinced her daughter was a stripper in a topless bar and went on a crusade to find photos of her daughter online. Her daughter was a college student at the time and in a committed relationship and working at a furniture store part time. The woman sought out photos (and they didn't even LOOK like her daughter - and were from all over the USA - not even in the town where her daughter was living) and even mailed them to a former Priest (whom she had not spoken to in nearly 20 years), asking him to intervene b/c her daughter was a topless stripper in a bar. She emailed the photos to family members, too.
So you are not the first person with a disturbed mother who fixates on outrageous thoughts and then acts out through email.
Just ignore it. Do not respond. You can block her, but it appears you gave her your email addy to keep the lines of communication open. You can always block her, then get another email account which you do not use regularly, and give her THAT address.
People who have delusional thinking or go into psychotic states don't change. Somewhere along the line, it is best to just accept that, even if your mother has not been diagnosed. You know the truth. Protect your own sanity in whatever way will be the most comfortable. Engaging in dialogue with her, though, is fruitless. You can't convince a person with a different reality than yours that your reality is the truth. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Write a letter to your mom and pour out everything in your heart. Then don't send it. There's no point.
Children make bad parents and it screws up the lives of all involved. The only exception is the few with an excellent support system and even so there are more victims than victors.
I recommend this forum: Unchosen Relationships - its a forum for people in "unchosen" relationships (like a parent) with someone who has a personality disorder (or who is otherwise mentally disturbed).
I share this as someone who has such a parent, so I understand how painful and challenging such a relationship can be.
She never took care of us and she allowed others to abuse us and she seemed to be completely unmoved by our pain.
We 3 kids fought terribly and I was relentlessly physically and emotionally abused by both my siblings, mum did nothing to stop it.
Our dad was not around.
Anyway, as we grew she basically ignored us and our needs, we all left home at young ages - my sister and I were 16 and 17 respectively - I left when I was still in high school. I couldn't take it anymore.
Anyway, I'm 37 now and I have very little contact with her - I tried for many years to win her over but it never worked so I gave up.
However, in the last 5 years I've gotten 2 emails from her - both times were photos she found on the internet.
First time she wanted to know if it was my sister. It wasn't.
Second time was yesterday, she wanted to know if it was my brother and I. It isn't.
I feel angry. Looks nothing like us. Both pics were negative - the one of my 'sister' was taken from a parenting 'fail' list and the one of 'my brother and I' was from an Aspergers information page showing angry people.
I need advice on how to deal with this. I was planning to ignore it but now I am thinking of writing something like:
I find your email disturbing and offensive.
If you want to contact me in the future please limit correspondence to birthday greetings, Christmas greetings, appropriate updates about yourself and/or friendly enquiries after my well being.
FYI, she has never emailed for any other reason but to send those pics, she ignores holidays and has done since before I left home.
Anyone ever dealt with anything like this? Please, I need advice.
I'd ignore her completely and permanently. She wasn't there for you at all ever, so if I were you I wouldn't bother responding to her email pings, because that's what they are. She's just fishing for a response she doesn't deserve. I had a very similar mother and when I finally cut her out of my life it became much simpler and far more peaceful.
Just go completely dark on her, and leave her there. You will be happier in the end. Add her to your spam filters and be done with her.
As cold as this sounds, IMO it's probably the best thing to do under the circumstance. Unless there's some indication that the OP's mother has it in her to show any regard, or concern, or the desire for a healthy relationship with the OP, he'll be knocking his head against the proverbial brick wall in trying to communicate with her ( even to tell her to go to he!!). It's not easy to acknowledge that some relationships are only pathological, and are better off not existing, but doing so may bring a measure of peace and solace to those who would continue to suffer if those relationships continued. In this case, it's about the OP, not his mother.
Without getting into details, I can identify with the OP.
I still hold on to that childish hope that she will change.
It sucks, it's so painful.
Sorry love but it will most likely not change. Change your email address and stop all contact with her. She obviously still pushes your buttons in a negative way. You're an adult now and therefore responsible for your own happiness. I cleaned house years ago of all people that made me unhappy. I'm much happier having done it. My childhood was a nightmare as well and my brother who was a total rectum contacted me out of the blue a couple of months ago. Why? I'll never know nor do I want to. Yes it's painful and will continue to be until you take responsibility and break the cycle. Go and live a happy life despite of her. You deserve it. All the best to you.
You said she's not nuts, she's just mean. My father is/was (i don't even know if he's still alive) like that. He would have sent those emails just to f*ck with our minds. Not nuts, just cruel and twisted.
My mother was just mean and abusive.
I asked my father to stop calling me telling me how he was going to kill my stepfather anymore, and he chose to cut ME off. Worked for me.
My mother would send me cards with mean things written inside them. I'd get one in the mail, and part of me would hope this would be a nice letter, because once in a very blue moon, it WOULD be a nice letter. So, I know what you're talking about when you hope she'll change.
I held onto that hope into my 40's. Then, finally one time I got a card in the mail in front of a friend who was sitting with me, and we were chatting happily and all of a sudden I must have turned all white and looked really freaked out, because he asked me what the heck was wrong. I held the unopened card from my mother and said it's from my mother who is usually really cruel, but part of me keeps holding onto hope that this time she'll be different.
He actually took the unopened card from me and threw it away. We were actually at an outdoor restaurant in Mexico (where I was living at the time). I was having my mail forwarded to me once a week by a service in a big padded envelope. I was going through that mail while we sat in the restaurant. My friend took the card from me and threw that card away in the restaurant's garbage.
That was the turning point. I never opened another one. She finally quit sending them.
I finally accepted that I wasn't going to hold onto the hope that THIS time she'll be nice - which meant she got to continually be cruel to me in-between. It's a very cruel game she played, and I quit playing.
So, I get your dilemma completely. But, I encourage you to mark her emails as spam, or like my gmail account, I would move it into the "promotions" tab, and when I got the prompt asking if all future emails should be automatically sent to that folder, I'd say "yes."
I don't even go to family funerals when I happen to hear about them, because that would mean contact with my cruel family. I say my own prayers from a distance now. I can't afford to have any contact with any of them, and allow them to suck me back into their toxic world.
Cutting her off will be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. You gave her plenty of chances to change. Even if she ever does, she lost her right to another chance with you.
Good luck to you.
Oh, and yes, my folks came from abusive families. I don't care. I'm sorry that happened to them, but it doesn't matter WHY someone is cruel to me. If they are cruel, they are cut off.
Same goes for people using the excuse to be the way they are because they had a bad childhood. Once we are adults, it's our responsibility to act like one. No excuses. Get therapy, whatever. But, nobody gets a free pass to get away with bad behavior, no matter the excuse, IMO. Life is not an excuse contest.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 09-26-2014 at 12:40 PM..
Write a letter to your mom and pour out everything in your heart. Then don't send it. There's no point.
Children make bad parents and it screws up the lives of all involved. The only exception is the few with an excellent support system and even so there are more victims than victors.
You can't change her. You can change you!
I agree with this and would ask if you know about forgiveness? It's something you do, in your heart. One makes the choice or decision to forgive. It begins with this choice, but it is an on-going process whilst your heart begins to heal.
It does not require any contact with her; in your case I'd recommend definitely no communication with her, as she's so toxic. The forgiveness isn't for her sake, but of her, for everything she did to you and your sibs. This is what will set you free and begin the process of the healing of your heart.
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