Disturbing email from my mother.

[Stagemomma]

Originally Posted by TumbleBug

I need advice on how to deal with this. I was planning to ignore it but now I am thinking of writing something like:

I find your email disturbing and offensive.

If you want to contact me in the future please limit correspondence to birthday greetings, Christmas greetings, appropriate updates about yourself and/or friendly enquiries after my well being.

FYI, she has never emailed for any other reason but to send those pics, she ignores holidays and has done since before I left home.

Anyone ever dealt with anything like this? Please, I need advice.

Do not respond. Just ignore it.

Something about those photos reminded her of you and your sibs. Her guilt made her get in touch. What is disturbing about that in itself? your entire childhood was disturbing. If she is feel guilt or remorse you should feel some satisfaction.

It seems you have no desire to rekindle contact with her so don't.

It is very likely that she is mentally ill. Please consider some short term counseling to help you get closure on this.

[kat949]

Originally Posted by TumbleBug

My mother is weird.
Short recap:

She has 3 kids (I am the middle child)

She never took care of us and she allowed others to abuse us and she seemed to be completely unmoved by our pain.

We 3 kids fought terribly and I was relentlessly physically and emotionally abused by both my siblings, mum did nothing to stop it.

Our dad was not around.

Anyway, as we grew she basically ignored us and our needs, we all left home at young ages - my sister and I were 16 and 17 respectively - I left when I was still in high school. I couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway, I'm 37 now and I have very little contact with her - I tried for many years to win her over but it never worked so I gave up.

However, in the last 5 years I've gotten 2 emails from her - both times were photos she found on the internet.

First time she wanted to know if it was my sister. It wasn't.

Second time was yesterday, she wanted to know if it was my brother and I. It isn't.

I feel angry. Looks nothing like us. Both pics were negative - the one of my 'sister' was taken from a parenting 'fail' list and the one of 'my brother and I' was from an Aspergers information page showing angry people.

I need advice on how to deal with this. I was planning to ignore it but now I am thinking of writing something like:

I find your email disturbing and offensive.

If you want to contact me in the future please limit correspondence to birthday greetings, Christmas greetings, appropriate updates about yourself and/or friendly enquiries after my well being.

FYI, she has never emailed for any other reason but to send those pics, she ignores holidays and has done since before I left home.

Anyone ever dealt with anything like this? Please, I need advice.

What she does is emotional abuse. I don't think you need to subject yourself to any contact with her anymore. Until she learns to respect you as her own flesh and blood, I'd tell her flat out how disrespectful, cruel, and mean she is, and leave it at that.

Don't respond to her e-mails until she shows you she's sorry.

How mean!! She doesn't sound like she has it altogether, not to be rude. Sending your kids pictures that are basically insults? And, she wasn't there for you and puts you down? You don't need toxicity in your life. Hopefully she'll grow from this.

[Teckeeee]

If you want to have contact with her, set clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable behavior. I have done that with some family members and after practice it is working.

[MSPLove]

OP - How do you honestly think your mother would react if you emailed her back and called her out on this stuff?

What if you calmly and rationally said every single thing you said here in this thread. What if you said something like:

"Mom,

You have contacted me only twice in the past five years. The first time was to ask if my sister was the person in a photograph on a "parenting fail" picture website. Are you implying that my sister is a failure? Plus, it looks nothing like her. Do you really not remember what your own kids look like?" (And so on, and so forth.)

Here is the point I'm trying to make: If you were to do write a calm, rational, and respectful confrontation back to her, do you believe that you would get any sort of answer that made any sense?

That is a real question and only you know the answer. You know her best. In all seriousness, what do you really think she would most likely do or say? Would she ignore it and never respond? Deny it? Play innocent?

I think you know you aren't dealing with a rational person who has all her marbles. She has anger inside her. And yeah, obviously she was trying to take jabs at you guys. But what adult does this, let alone a mother? She deserves your compassion, not your anger. The lights are on but nobody's home.

I think you just need to block her emails. Hope she gets the help she needs. Sounds like an emotional switch has been shut off inside her for years. And she is probably going to get progressively worse.

[Ticatica]

Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould

I know several people who have done this and it has worked out so much better.

I also know several who have tried to salvage whatever relationship they could, put up with a lot of nonsense, and guess what? Each one eventually ended up with a demented old woman living with them for a time before they could work out other living arrangements for her.

I don't see the upside to continue trying to have an appropriate relationship with her. That train has left the station.

You can set up your email so her messages go directly to a box you don't read, block her number on your phone, and move on with your life.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Get therapy to help shepherd you through this horrible bs. I started therapy damn near the day after I left my mother's sick abusive home. It helps you in a million ways you can't even forsee. You will know how to deal with a situation like this. Also, please get educated on filial responsibility laws. Because you will need to protect yourself when this viper is left with only your contact info and is running around putting you next of kin info on everything. She can force you into caring for her or paying to support her in old age. http://graphics8.nytimes.com/package...A/30states.pdf
pa filial responsibility law : Elder Law Pennsylvania
Son Liable for Mom’s $93,000 Nursing Home Bill Under ‘Filial Responsibility’ Law
There are 29 states that currently have laws making adult children responsible for their parents’ care costs if their parents are unable to pay for their own care. These “filial responsibility” laws have rarely been enforced, but six years ago when the Federal Deficit Reduction Act of 2005 made it more difficult to qualify for Medicaid long-term care coverage, some elder law attorneys predicted that nursing homes would start using the laws as a means to be paid.

[songinthewind7]

Your mother sounds as though she has a mental illness.

If you were to respond to her email, I would say something to the fact that you would like to fix things with her and if that can eventually happen, that would be great, but if she has no intentions of doing that, it's best to cut ties. You, at least, gave it a shot. You cannot fix anybody, only they can fix themselves. She may or may not tell you she's sorry but in my past experience, if you respond to her emails with being angry and offended, it's hurting you more, not her.

Write down your feelings of anger and get them out on paper. If you pray, God hears your prayers. Ask him to take away your anger and help you deal with this.

[jrsydevil82]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. She sounds exactly like my husbands mother. He is the oldest of 5 though. She is a wacko too. He does not talk to her at all.

She sounds like a toxic person. I would probably just ignore her.

[Frihed89]

Just leave her alone. You don't have to respond. It will only make you feel more resentment about your upbringing.

An alternative is to focus on "the spiritual advantages of a painful childhood".

[Mightyqueen801]

I've recommended this book before, and I cannot recommend it enough. How To Manage Your Mother, by Alice Faye Cleese.

It is sometimes funny and sometimes sad and it has things in it that just about everyone can relate to, from those who had a critical mother or a mildly annoying nosy mother to outright abusive mothers.