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Old 10-04-2014, 07:20 AM
 
2,917 posts, read 1,516,342 times
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I am glad that the thread went on as long as it did. I believe that perseverance strategies can be provided in a short discussion online. However, the steps to actually change yourself are usually provided with a longer discussion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzy12 View Post
Why is it so bad to want it both ways? You are the one saying I should try to change myself to be the best I can be.
It's not bad to want it both ways. However, these are goals to pursue where you realize that every action you take is intended to meet those goals while making changes along the way.

"I want to be fun" is a nice goal. However, if you are not getting the reaction you desire, maybe you have to take a step back and think about why you are getting that reaction. Maybe your idea of a fun personality is not that other person's idea of a fun personality.

The impression I get of you, Jazzy12, is that you don't want consequences for your idea of a fun personality but at the same time you want something from other people, that is, to stop perceiving you as an airhead. This is where I get the impression that you want it all.

One more thing, it seems that you are not satisfied with the consequences you deal out to rude people. In the example below, clearly this interaction still bothers you but you don't realize that you dealt out your consequence by stating "Ok, you can be an ass." Since it still bothers you, you need a more effective consequence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzy12 View Post
For example, the other day I was with a group of friends over someone's house and we were waiting for a movie to start playing on tv. We were waiting and we were all getting anxious for it to start and I was getting impatient.. So I ask annoyed "ugh HOW much longer until this movie starts?!" And then one of the guys in the room says, "ummm maybe one minute like it says on the screen?" And then I look at the tv screen and realize there is a count down with huge text saying "1 minute until movie", and then I said embarrassed "ohh I didn't see that there." And then the guy rolls his eyes and says "hey did you dye your hair?" Me, thinking he is genuinely asking the question replies "what.. Noo why?" And then he says, "because I'm pretty sure you are supposed to be naturally blonde." And then I just felt like an idiot, but just replied extremely annoyed, "ok, you can be an ass." And then he just rolled his eyes.
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Old 10-04-2014, 09:13 AM
 
1,826 posts, read 1,093,025 times
Reputation: 1546
Quote:
Originally Posted by kletter1mann View Post
Honestly speaking, this doesn't make you a very sympathetic character, more like a bit of a brat since you insist on having it ALL. I want it all too. I want to be 30 years younger and $10mio in the bank. Poor me! Give us a break. You can't have it all. Grow up and make some hard choices.
How in the hell does wanting to be treated with respect and improve oneself make them a brat who insists on having it all?

If you read her posts, she's obviously intelligent, can express herself very well in writing but has some trouble doing so in public.

It never ceases to amaze me how harsh and critical people can be when they are anonymously sniping away at someone from behind a computer keyboard on the internet. You may think that you are offering "tough love" or the "unvarnished truth" but in reality, you are just pumping up your own ego at the expense of the OP after she bravely opened herself up to a group of complete strangers. You are the one who should grow up.
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Old 10-04-2014, 09:18 AM
 
2,917 posts, read 1,516,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by voiceofreazon View Post
How in the hell does wanting to be treated with respect and improve oneself make them a brat who insists on having it all?

If you read her posts, she's obviously intelligent, can express herself very well in writing but has some trouble doing so in public.

It never ceases to amaze me how harsh and critical people can be when they are anonymously sniping away at someone from behind a computer keyboard on the internet. You may think that you are offering "tough love" or the "unvarnished truth" but in reality, you are just pumping up your own ego at the expense of the OP after she bravely opened herself up to a group of complete strangers. You are the one who should grow up.
She wants to behave however she wants without any consequences. The example I quoted in another post does show that the people around her have treated her with disrespect. She needs to take the advice of others and find new friends. However, it is possible that her idea of a fun personality is what is keeping her from forming close relationships with respectful people.
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Old 10-04-2014, 09:52 AM
 
1,826 posts, read 1,093,025 times
Reputation: 1546
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzy12 View Post
Please try not to judge me on this comment, but I am honestly afraid I am going to die alone, or a guy will have to "settle" for my personality because I won't be smart enough. I know most girls worry about their looks, but I am concerned about my intelligence. Everywhere I go I get labeled things such as ditzy, airhead, blonde(even though I'm brunette), or even just stupid or dumb. This really pisses me off and hurts because I really don't try to be! I am just being me! I am really sweet and kind to people and get along with everyone, but can be pretty passive and I tend to try to avoid conflict. I can be a big pushover at times. I am always smiling and cheerful. I tend to forget key details of simple things easily, constantly make careless mistakes, and am constantly daydreaming and zoning out. I tend to lack common sense but I never thought that made me deserve the "ditz" label. I am also socially awkward and tend to make a lot of social mistakes. I don't push my opinions or views on others, simply because I don't like arguing. I can also be slow when it comes to understanding things or jokes and am really bad at responding in conversations. I can also be really gullible and tend to trust people way too easily, and believe what they tell me too much. The sad thing is that I know a lot of girls do these things to "act stupid to get attention", but I am not trying to do anything! I am simply being me! My parents tell me I'm smart... But they are like the only ones in the world who have told me that. I want to be an intelligent woman that also knows how to have fun and get respect. I am smart in other ways... I am a really good writer, and really artistic and musically talented. I have a 4.5 GPA at school.. I am really understanding of other people and have a big heart. But I don't want to be that person that is "really really nice and sweet, but a little on the slow side/not the brightest. I am just SOO sick of it! I even feel like it affects my relationships and I can't form close relationships with people because they judge me!! Do I just have to accept that I am a ditzy idiot? I am sick of people treating me and calling me stupid, because despite all of these things, I am not stupid and want to have intelligent connections with people but they always immediately write me off. Idk what to do.. I want to be myself but not if this is how I am going to be treated my whole life. What do I do?!
I'm a guy, in my 40s and had a lot of the same issues growing up, in many ways, still do. I was less outgoing though and kept to myself more. Didn't do as well in school as you have. Doing fine now.

It's not a simple matter of willpower as some seem to suggest, otherwise you would have overcome this by now. I've always felt that people telling me that I just need to try harder and "apply myself" was a bit like telling a person who can't see well that they just need to apply themselves more versus going to the eye doctor and getting a pair of glasses! The point is, don't beat yourself up because you have not overcome this with willpower. You did the best you could with the tools you had!

The problem with these types of issues is that you can't go to the equivalent of an eye doctor and get an easy fix for the problem in an hour like you could at Lenscrafters. It takes a lot of work, trying to find a therapist or a learning specialist and finding solutions.

Did you ever feel that maybe your brain or your thoughts run too fast? I tend to think in a rapid-fire way and I often have difficulty expressing myself well in a conversation until I force myself to slow down and relax a bit.
This also causes me to make stupid mistakes or sloppy mistakes when I am doing something that requires careful attention.

Please give yourself more credit though. You are not a ditz, if you were, you would not even be self aware enough to be asking these questions or struggling with this and trying to improve. You would not be able to express yourself in writing as well as you do.

As for relationships.. I'd say you need to find a way to let them know that there is more to you than how you come off initially. Maybe if you are one on one with someone, like on a long drive or something and can have a long conversation, they will see there is much more to you than their first impression of you.

Best of luck!!
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Old 10-04-2014, 10:05 AM
 
1,826 posts, read 1,093,025 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
She wants to behave however she wants without any consequences. The example I quoted in another post does show that the people around her have treated her with disrespect. She needs to take the advice of others and find new friends. However, it is possible that her idea of a fun personality is what is keeping her from forming close relationships with respectful people.
I think she sees the consequences. She's worried that if she thinks too much before speaking, she will become withdrawn and self conscious. I think when she says she wants the best of both worlds, it means she'd like to retain positive aspect of the personality she has now and diminish the negative ones. There are plenty of outgoing, fun, bubbly, spontaneous people who are also NOT perceived as ditzy. What's wrong with aspiring to that?
(Just my opinion, not trying to speak for the OP)
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Old 10-04-2014, 11:11 AM
 
2,917 posts, read 1,516,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by voiceofreazon View Post
I think she sees the consequences. She's worried that if she thinks too much before speaking, she will become withdrawn and self conscious. I think when she says she wants the best of both worlds, it means she'd like to retain positive aspect of the personality she has now and diminish the negative ones. There are plenty of outgoing, fun, bubbly, spontaneous people who are also NOT perceived as ditzy. What's wrong with aspiring to that?
(Just my opinion, not trying to speak for the OP)
Nothing, obviously. These are extremes, speaking whenever you want and being withdrawn. Being self-conscious would assist in staying between the extremes.

The main problem I notice with the OP is that she gives too much attention to the rude people. I can see how this forces her to feel she has to be very careful.
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Old 10-04-2014, 11:35 AM
 
Location: East Millcreek
2,394 posts, read 5,205,784 times
Reputation: 2686
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
She wants to behave however she wants without any consequences. The example I quoted in another post does show that the people around her have treated her with disrespect. She needs to take the advice of others and find new friends. However, it is possible that her idea of a fun personality is what is keeping her from forming close relationships with respectful people.
^^^This
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Old 10-04-2014, 12:49 PM
 
87 posts, read 265,699 times
Reputation: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by voiceofreazon View Post
I think she sees the consequences. She's worried that if she thinks too much before speaking, she will become withdrawn and self conscious. I think when she says she wants the best of both worlds, it means she'd like to retain positive aspect of the personality she has now and diminish the negative ones. There are plenty of outgoing, fun, bubbly, spontaneous people who are also NOT perceived as ditzy. What's wrong with aspiring to that?
(Just my opinion, not trying to speak for the OP)
THIS. This is what I have been trying to say! Yes I understand the consequences so whoever said I do not see the consequences is wrong. Like you just said, there are plenty of outgoing fun and bubbly people who are not percieved as ditzy and still seen as smart. Why whenever I try to be fun people simply think I am an airhead??

I just want to know how to be a fun person but also a respected person that is seen as smart. I don't see this as a bad or unrealistic goal at all, but obviously I am doing something wrong to not be able to accomplish this. Any ideas why??

There is also the possibility that my idea of a fun personality is different then yours. So I just want to ask you guys what is YOUR idea of a fun personality??
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Old 10-04-2014, 12:57 PM
 
Location: East Millcreek
2,394 posts, read 5,205,784 times
Reputation: 2686
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzy12 View Post
THIS. This is what I have been trying to say! Yes I understand the consequences so whoever said I do not see the consequences is wrong. Like you just said, there are plenty of outgoing fun and bubbly people who are not percieved as ditzy and still seen as smart. Why whenever I try to be fun people simply think I am an airhead??

I just want to know how to be a fun person but also a respected person that is seen as smart. I don't see this as a bad or unrealistic goal at all, but obviously I am doing something wrong to not be able to accomplish this. Any ideas why??

There is also the possibility that my idea of a fun personality is different then yours. So I just want to ask you guys what is YOUR idea of a fun personality??
How about YOU just cutting to the chase by telling us what YOUR idea is?
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Old 10-04-2014, 05:36 PM
 
87 posts, read 265,699 times
Reputation: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by kletter1mann View Post
How about YOU just cutting to the chase by telling us what YOUR idea is?
Umm... Well I guess I would say someone who is easy going and positive, and fun to talk to and do things with. Easy to have a conversation with, spontaneous and loves life.. Doesn't care what others think of them.. Thats just generally what a fun person would be to me I guess.
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