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Old 10-01-2014, 05:19 PM
Status: "Whiners and complainers should be shot to death at birth" (set 18 days ago)
1,293 posts, read 942,671 times
Reputation: 2307


You know, some people really start doing strange things after their SO's deaths. My BIL took my money and didn't return (2K or so), then when I called him a thief he didn't let me lay my father for rest (in an urn) in the same grave where my siter, Mom, and grandma were already waiting for him, so I bought another lot in the same cemetery. Putting it mildly, I was mad. Then I thought about it and remembered, that he is alone with two 12-y-o daughters and an old mother. Suddenly, I felt more pity than anger for him. I forgave him, and I think you can forgive your friend's husband, too. He is not your friend, he is trying to accumulate more assets for his family, he feels more vulnerable (economically, too) when your friend is gone. Write this review for him, help him. Don't grudge, it wont either change or help anything.
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Old 10-01-2014, 05:53 PM
16,992 posts, read 20,618,884 times
Reputation: 33961
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Very good point. I was friends with the husband, mostly because he was her husband. I just am appalled at his actions. I did buy the book to support him. Wrote him a very nice letter about how much I loved it and supported him in his efforts. Never heard from him. Not sure how well his book is doing, but suddenly he contacts me again to write a review. No bueno. Thanks all for the replies.
Very sorry about your friend, but you have done more than enough. The fact that you bought the book(if this guy had any class he would have sent you the book), you write him a nice letter and don't hear back, the heck with him.

Many times after someone passes and that person was the connection between two other people, there isn't much reason to stay in contact.
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Old 10-01-2014, 05:59 PM
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,453 posts, read 3,737,668 times
Reputation: 9592
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I cut people A LOT of leeway when someone dies. After my best friend and her mother died, her stepfather dropped out of sight. I pretty close to him, but I didn't feel like reaching out either. We ran into each other years later and had a great conversation, just like old times, but man, when something like that happens and you're so gutted... sometimes you become closer and sometimes your friendship just gets driven into the ground because a big hole has been blasted through your life and it's just so damn hard to rebuild around it. If that makes any sense. It's not even logical in my opinion; it's just how things worked out.
This. I don't know the ages of anyone at all here or their loved ones but I will say this...when something devastating, like a death or a huge reversal of 'fortune' occurs in someone's life a huge hole and cloud of darkness overcomes them.

It's not on purpose, it is not out of spite...it is just this huge dark abyss and it engulfs you completely, heart and soul. You avoid people in general but also the ones you were once close to and enjoyed their love, friendship, and company so much...everything is a reminder of days gone by and it hurts...it hurts a lot.

This is not the reaction of all people but for a segment of our population, it does happen. When they are able to see the light, the clouds turn to sun, and they step back from the abyss...their only thought is to come up with a new plan for their life, a new way to survive...they starting building a new 'normal' for themselves. In the process they lose what they had and let go of what is left and it is very hurtful and it makes us wonder why because we don't understand.

Maybe this is not what has happened in this case but maybe just another possibility of where people 'go' when faced with these situations, maybe.

Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I know you hurt for her and you have very good intentions, but I wouldn't do that, reason being, I believe it Karma, and what evil you bestow on others will come back to haunt you, so best to just not say anything. I know that would also be my first thought....however, it won't solve anything, and it will bring her down to his level.....

just saying, hope your aren't offended.
I agree as it seems to me that in the end when we choose to do so, the hurt is only magnified and yet stays with US, bigger and bigger with each new day, too much of a burden for me to carry to the end of my days. I want love and peace in my life and I have learned to rid myself of the proverbial 'axes to grind', I'm done with that. If I can help someone through something, anything...in whatever way possible, I will. If afterwards there is silence, I can live with that too.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:02 PM
12,925 posts, read 6,184,694 times
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If he's pushing you to not only buy his book but also write a review---is this because he did a vanity printing? When people do those, they have to cough up the cash to publish it and promote it. That said, if this happened to me where someone you considered a friend and who cut off all contact only to resurface when they want something---yes, I would feel hurt and and feel like I was being used.

I have had people in my life that I thought were friends who got to the point where I only heard from them when they wanted something. When that happened, I stopped contacting them.

Still, when it happens, it does smart. For example, I had a friend whom I met when I was in college. After we graduated, she moved to the midwest with her husband. I would call her once a month to chat because long distance calls back then cost money. She never called me, even though they were better off financially but she sure would talk when I called! So, I gave up calling her thus ending our phone conversations. Once a year, I would get a Xmas card from her with one of those brag letters in it. She ended up going to law school. When she finished, she called me. I was pleased to hear from her but it turned out that she called only because she wanted something. She wanted me to write a recommendation letter to the state bar association for her. While it bothered me that she only called for that reason, I agreed to do this. Then I stopped hearing from her. No Xmas cards, no congratulations card when our daughter was born. No response when I wrote and asked her if all was well. A couple of years later, we got a Xmas card from her with the usual brag letter. Her husband signed it and wrote "Keep in touch". Seriously?

It always disappointing when people only get in touch because they want something.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:05 PM
506 posts, read 262,408 times
Reputation: 316
Whoa. He seems to be trying to make money out of the death of his wife, one of your best friends.

You are being used and are rightfully offended.
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Old 10-01-2014, 06:40 PM
726 posts, read 697,922 times
Reputation: 1718
Ignore him, see how he likes it. Or just respond with a simple 'No, I won't'.
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Old 10-01-2014, 09:20 PM
Location: Dallas TX
15,012 posts, read 21,669,103 times
Reputation: 22137
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
What an asshat.

Write him a note and let him know that his choice of the grieving process might be perfect for him but you prefer not to make money off her death.
Let me make it perfectly clear, he is not an asshat. He is an amazing father and was a wonderful husband. The book is a beautiful tribute. I am just offended he hasn't contacted me in two years until he needs something.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:23 AM
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,052,657 times
Reputation: 22371
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Let me make it perfectly clear, he is not an asshat. He is an amazing father and was a wonderful husband. The book is a beautiful tribute. I am just offended he hasn't contacted me in two years until he needs something.
Men tend to treat relationships all the same, i.e., business networking and friendships. There are some men who have friends they "do things" with all the time -- golf or hunting buddies, for example. But most men, especially if they are at the executive level, don't think a thing about it if years lapse in between talking to or corresponding with friends. They compartmentalize things . . . you are doubtless in this man's camp of "friends" and he assumes you will always be in that camp.

Men who have been married a long time typically defer responsibility to their wives, often by default, for taking care of the "emotional ties" during the marriage. The wives are the ones who plan family get togethers as well as couple events. Often, husbands just blissfully drift along assuming life just falls in place that way . . . their wives will let them know where to be and what event they are attending, and when. The wives are the ones who manage everything to do with interacting with family and friends.

SO I wouldn't be offended. He obviously trusts you.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:27 AM
Location: Texas
1,319 posts, read 1,102,615 times
Reputation: 1822
I would not write a review for the book. I would let him know how you feel and not contact him. He is in an odd place in his life. He may be ok later and a friend maybe not. Give the situation some time.

I would be offended, frustrated mad and feel like he was trying to use me.
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