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Old 10-02-2014, 05:58 PM
 
Location: Michigan
4,571 posts, read 6,992,788 times
Reputation: 3599

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I'm 22 years old still living with my parents. In fact, we're actually in the process of moving and should be in the new house by the end of this month.

Anyway, I graduated high school in 2010. I sort of put off college mainly because our family went through some changes during the recession and it kind of spooked me out a little bit. I didn't want to go to school without having decided what I actually wanted to do with my life and then be saddled with debt afterwards. Now it's 2014 and I feel ready to go to school and I'm feeling confident about what I want to do and where I'll be in time.... sort of.

One day, I told my mom about my decision and what my plan of action was. I guess just to bounce my feelings off another person and the closest person being my mom. I explained the fear I had for debt and ending up somewhere where I didn't want to be in life. My parents are middle aged and do often tell me about friends and relatives who are the same age as them struggling in their life from the choices they've made. I take these lessons to heart and I try to learn from their decisions as well as some sound advice from my parents.

Sounds okay, right? Well, the problem comes in when I actually explain my feelings. Hearing how other people have made their decisions and actually making decisions on my own are two different things, in my view. Even if I'm avoiding all the negative decisions that other people have made, I still come across problems that I have trouble dealing with. My parents swear up and down that my life is better and easier than theirs was and that I have so many opportunities even to the point of calling me spoiled. Yet, I feel like they had just as much opportunity as I have now if only covered in different veils.

My parents worked in the auto industry for a good number of years. My mom is good with budgets and my step-dad is a literal workaholic. He swears that if it wasn't for the recession and auto bankruptcies, he'd still be working in the factory for another 10 to 15 years. Before that, my mom went to a technical college and my step-dad was in the military. Both of them have actually done pretty well for themselves and I do feel pretty lucky for the life I've been given with them. As I mentioned, we had some adjustments after the recession, but we still live mostly the same as we did before.

Still, problems seem to arise because of my feelings. And when I talk about my feelings, especially if they're negative, I'm either crazy, stupid, or some other adjective that makes me feel like I shouldn't have these feelings. I'm still unsure of my future. I still worry over how my decisions will pan out and what effects it will have on my life. I feel like I make progress, but at my own pace and in my own time. I know things will take effort and work, but I also don't want to bum-rush through life irresponsibly.

Most recently, we had an incident where the internet cut out for a few minutes because my mom was cleaning and accidentally unplugged the modem. She plugged it back up but the internet hadn't come back on. I thought to myself that she is busy and I could probably wait until she finished to try and reset the modem. I didn't listen to my gut. I ask her "Did you try resetting the modem?" To which she responded, "No. Why are you going to go crazy without the internet?" I didn't respond because I thought that was a crazy question. Then she pegged me to answer and I said no. She then said "Why are you so upset about it then? You're obviously upset if you're so concerned about the internet being out. That's something a crack addict would do." At which point I felt immediately offended, stormed out of the house, walked around the block and later returned in which we ended up having a screaming match with threats of either kicking me out of the house or have my mom never come back because she can't stand to be in the house with me.

Eventually, I apologized for what I did, in which my mom responded that I still have more to apologize for but it's "water under the bridge". Since that day, I've felt so alone and isolated while at the same time guilty for my actions. And it makes me fearful to speak out about anything because I know of the response I'll get and how defensively I'll react. I love my parents to death and they always reinforce that they love me and that they sacrifice and work hard to make my life (and my little brothers) enjoyable. Yet it feels like my feelings aren't allowed to be apart of that life. These episodes occur every once and a while but each time I feel devastated afterwards and feel the need to make rash decisions or cut myself off from other people. I try to rationalize the situation but I just don't understand. Am I supposed to always feel confident in myself no matter what? Am I supposed to not be worried about my future? Are my feelings just some unnecessary trait? Or is there something else going on or something else I need to be doing?
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:04 PM
 
1,831 posts, read 2,115,577 times
Reputation: 2602
I sometimes wonder how someone can reach the age of 22 and still be 13?
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:16 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,119 posts, read 20,219,434 times
Reputation: 26292
Your mom has probably been hearing about what you want to be when you grow up ever since you were a little kid. It's cute when you're 5. At this point, talk is cheap and she's wondering why you're sitting there on the internet while she's cleaning and still supporting you. If you know what you want to study, then do it. At least have talked to the college you want to go to and have the information for your mom so she knows you're serious.

About feelings, she wants you to move out so she can be glad to see you when you come back for a visit. And so she and your dad can have wild monkey sex all over the house, like they used to do before they became parents. And go to dinner without having to pay for a third plate, or go out of town on a whim without having to decide whether to include you or not. She's being a good mom by not telling you that you're a grown up now and she wishes you'd go off and live your own life so she can live hers before she gets too old for all the fun things she's been telling herself she was going to do when you were grown up and moved out.
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:38 PM
 
7,904 posts, read 9,597,141 times
Reputation: 13872
Move out. Support yourself. You have been there four years too long.
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Old 10-02-2014, 06:46 PM
 
3,942 posts, read 3,165,906 times
Reputation: 12833
Your first problem is your first sentence. Do something. Its been 4 years, going on 5, since you graduated. Why do you care about unplugging the modem, or what she says about it?

You've got a lot bigger problems then that.

What have you been doing all this time???
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:23 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 91,814,308 times
Reputation: 30369
Are you aware you have anxiety? Have you received treatment? It's serious enough to warrant treatment because it has depilated you for the past few years.

It's a good thing you're moving out at the end of the month. Being on your own might help you. It sounds like some of your stress comes from living with your family.

You're worried about making the wrong decision that could impact your entire future. Not making a decision is a decision, and it can impact your future too. It's time for you to jump right into choosing your career. It's very rare for one decision to ruin someone's life. People who struggle are usually people who made a sequence of bad decisions in their lives. Your choice of major is not going to solidify you in a future of poverty 30 years from now because you can reinvent yourself anytime.

Stop obsessing and start living.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Michigan
4,571 posts, read 6,992,788 times
Reputation: 3599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
Your mom has probably been hearing about what you want to be when you grow up ever since you were a little kid. It's cute when you're 5. At this point, talk is cheap and she's wondering why you're sitting there on the internet while she's cleaning and still supporting you. If you know what you want to study, then do it. At least have talked to the college you want to go to and have the information for your mom so she knows you're serious.

About feelings, she wants you to move out so she can be glad to see you when you come back for a visit. And so she and your dad can have wild monkey sex all over the house, like they used to do before they became parents. And go to dinner without having to pay for a third plate, or go out of town on a whim without having to decide whether to include you or not. She's being a good mom by not telling you that you're a grown up now and she wishes you'd go off and live your own life so she can live hers before she gets too old for all the fun things she's been telling herself she was going to do when you were grown up and moved out.
Yea okay. When I was 5, I wanted to be an astronaut. By the time I graduated high school I wanted to be a graphic designer. Now I want to be an architect.

But see, I don't know what I want to study because if I fail at it, my mom berates me for it. When I was 13 or something, my mom gave me lashes for not doing my homework. What's the point of making any decision if my mom beats me over if I fail at whatever I decide to do? If I fail at becoming an architect, how should I expect her to respond? With a bat to the face?
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:52 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 91,814,308 times
Reputation: 30369
Quote:
Originally Posted by animatedmartian View Post
Yea okay. When I was 5, I wanted to be an astronaut. By the time I graduated high school I wanted to be a graphic designer. Now I want to be an architect.

But see, I don't know what I want to study because if I fail at it, my mom berates me for it. When I was 13 or something, my mom gave me lashes for not doing my homework. What's the point of making any decision if my mom beats me over if I fail at whatever I decide to do? If I fail at becoming an architect, how should I expect her to respond? With a bat to the face?
You're not going to be living with her after the end of the month. If she's that toxic, you should disassociate yourself from her after you move. Once you get out on your own and limit or end your contact with her, you can start to rebuild your confidence and life. She doesn't even have to know you became an architect. The decision to tell her or not is yours.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:58 PM
 
Location: Michigan
4,571 posts, read 6,992,788 times
Reputation: 3599
Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr View Post
Move out. Support yourself. You have been there four years too long.
I've had jobs and I was saving up money at one point, but I spent it all on gas and food. I can't afford car insurance, I can't afford health insurance, I can't afford rent, I couldn't even afford community college without financial aid. How is it supporting myself if I can't even afford basic necessities on minimum wage?My parents never explained that one to me.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,958 posts, read 21,570,929 times
Reputation: 21998
You have got to stop caring what people think of you. Do what you want and go for it. You have already failed. Why? You are questioning yourself. You nreally need to go out on your own and and learn how to fail.
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