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Old 12-28-2007, 11:18 PM
 
636 posts, read 1,528,164 times
Reputation: 261
Default Verbally abusive blood relatives.....

What do you do? There are all forms, of course. My father had some problems when talking to my mother, as much as I love loved him he would frequently berate my mother in ways that made me so ashamed I stared at the floor with tears in my eyes. I was so horrified for my mom, that he would put her in this position, in front of other people.

My older sister takes after him, and frankly has always treated me as her abused wife. No matter what I do (ace my Masters thesis defense, have a baby....) she is always there making comments like "Why is the doorknob grimy? Dont you even clean?" Or, after taking 2 years off work so I could stay home with my daughter, "Well, no one would hire you now. You would have to go back for major education before anyone would touch you, you're so out of it!" or "as if you cook or clean", or "you're so pathetic" or... wow I could go on all day, about this woman who has not one friend, and has just recently found a boyfriend through eharmony. She has followed me around and moved on top of me twice in ten years, despite my efforts to move away. Now that she finally has a temporary dude we are trying to move away, at least a hundred miles. How do you deal with someone who is so verbally abusive that as soon as you start to discuss an issue with them they call you "pathetic", "sad", and tell you to shut up? I am so over her, my blood boils at the thought of her by now. I just don't know how to say in very firm words that she needs to stay away from me and my family, because I know she will instantly bring out the "You pathetic loser" attack that has made me hate her so much. I couldn't care less about her, but I do care about maintaining harmony somewhat for my mother's sake.

Has anybody else dealt with a viciously jealous sibling like this? How did you deal with it?
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Old 12-28-2007, 11:24 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,955 posts, read 21,492,877 times
Reputation: 10082
She's evil and isn't going to change because she doesn't think that she is doing anything wrong. Moving far away from her is the only answer. And don't let her know where you are moving to. Don't even give out your new phone number. A hundred miles might not even be enough.
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Old 12-28-2007, 11:41 PM
 
636 posts, read 1,528,164 times
Reputation: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
She's evil and isn't going to change because she doesn't think that she is doing anything wrong. Moving far away from her is the only answer. And don't let her know where you are moving to. Don't even give out your new phone number. A hundred miles might not even be enough.
I would love to, but what about Mom? Do I just make her keep me private?
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Old 12-28-2007, 11:45 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,593 posts, read 21,902,161 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningGlory View Post
I would love to, but what about Mom? Do I just make her keep me private?
My brother and sister are the same exact way, toxic and sick. I live far away from them and am relieved for it. There simply is NO room in my life for them.

I talk to my Mother as often as posible but my brother does everything he can to keep me from it because of his jealousy.
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:00 AM
 
Location: Somewhere out there.
2,308 posts, read 3,935,854 times
Reputation: 1886
Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningGlory View Post
What do you do? There are all forms, of course. My father had some problems when talking to my mother, as much as I love loved him he would frequently berate my mother in ways that made me so ashamed I stared at the floor with tears in my eyes. I was so horrified for my mom, that he would put her in this position, in front of other people.

My older sister takes after him, and frankly has always treated me as her abused wife. No matter what I do (ace my Masters thesis defense, have a baby....) she is always there making comments like "Why is the doorknob grimy? Dont you even clean?" Or, after taking 2 years off work so I could stay home with my daughter, "Well, no one would hire you now. You would have to go back for major education before anyone would touch you, you're so out of it!" or "as if you cook or clean", or "you're so pathetic" or... wow I could go on all day, about this woman who has not one friend, and has just recently found a boyfriend through eharmony. She has followed me around and moved on top of me twice in ten years, despite my efforts to move away. Now that she finally has a temporary dude we are trying to move away, at least a hundred miles. How do you deal with someone who is so verbally abusive that as soon as you start to discuss an issue with them they call you "pathetic", "sad", and tell you to shut up? I am so over her, my blood boils at the thought of her by now. I just don't know how to say in very firm words that she needs to stay away from me and my family, because I know she will instantly bring out the "You pathetic loser" attack that has made me hate her so much. I couldn't care less about her, but I do care about maintaining harmony somewhat for my mother's sake.

Has anybody else dealt with a viciously jealous sibling like this? How did you deal with it?
Well... sorry if this is going to sound harsh...

No one can walk all over you unless you lie down. She talks to you like this because you have not drawn a line. I'm sure you know this.

I doubt that she will change - most people like that don't... if she wants to be hateful that's fine... but just not towards you. Next time she talks down to you, find it within yourself to stand up for yourself. If she says... "you're a pathetic loser..." give her a look and TELL her to leave. If you are on the phone and she can't help but talk down to you then... hang up on her. Seriously, why be nice?

There will come a time when you should/might have to cut ties with her. It's okay to disown a nasty family member if all they do is spit venom.

I personally had a family member (a cousin) who I was really close to for many years. We were like sisters. However, she was never supportive of me. If something good happened she would say something negative or say things she knew would make me feel bad. This was all relatively minor and didn't bother me much... but then she started to get nastier. I couldn't take it anymore - she finally did something that made me decide that I couldn't have this hateful person in my life - all she did was suck the happiness from me when she was around. I disowned her over 4 years ago and would do it again in a heartbeat. I wrote her a letter and told her why I didn't want her in my life anymore. She wrote me and I returned the letters unopened (because I knew they would be nasty). I ignore her at family functions. This is not an easy route to take but it worked for me (and her mother understands why I did it) Your sister sounds like my cousin... insecure and hateful. I'm sorry you have a sister like that.

Good luck
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:00 AM
 
636 posts, read 1,528,164 times
Reputation: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
My brother and sister are the same exact way, toxic and sick. I live far away from them and am relieved for it. There simply is NO room in my life for them.

I talk to my Mother as often as posible but my brother does everything he can to keep me from it because of his jealousy.
Heh! I didn't realize you were in Orlando.
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:06 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,593 posts, read 21,902,161 times
Reputation: 6050
Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningGlory View Post
Heh! I didn't realize you were in Orlando.
Yea, I'm here and my family is in Texas and Colorado. Not far enough away if you ask me. They don't even have my home phone number.
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:08 AM
 
636 posts, read 1,528,164 times
Reputation: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
Yea, I'm here and my family is in Texas and Colorado. Not far enough away if you ask me. They don't even have my home phone number.
Do you have a mother who loves all of you? How does she deal with it, esp around holidays?
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:10 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,955 posts, read 21,492,877 times
Reputation: 10082
Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningGlory View Post
I would love to, but what about Mom? Do I just make her keep me private?
Does your mother have any inkling of what your sister is putting you through?

I wonder if you can legally divorce yourself from your sister or take a restraining order out against her...
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Old 12-29-2007, 12:12 AM
 
636 posts, read 1,528,164 times
Reputation: 261
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear2 View Post
Well... sorry if this is going to sound harsh...

No one can walk all over you unless you lie down. She talks to you like this because you have not drawn a line. I'm sure you know this.

I doubt that she will change - most people like that don't... if she wants to be hateful that's fine... but just not towards you. Next time she talks down to you, find it within yourself to stand up for yourself. If she says... "you're a pathetic loser..." give her a look and TELL her to leave. If you are on the phone and she can't help but talk down to you then... hang up on her. Seriously, why be nice?

There will come a time when you should/might have to cut ties with her. It's okay to disown a nasty family member if all they do is spit venom.

I personally had a family member (a cousin) who I was really close to for many years. We were like sisters. However, she was never supportive of me. If something good happened she would say something negative or say things she knew would make me feel bad. This was all relatively minor and didn't bother me much... but then she started to get nastier. I couldn't take it anymore - she finally did something that made me decide that I couldn't have this hateful person in my life - all she did was suck the happiness from me when she was around. I disowned her over 4 years ago and would do it again in a heartbeat. I wrote her a letter and told her why I didn't want her in my life anymore. She wrote me and I returned the letters unopened (because I knew they would be nasty). I ignore her at family functions. This is not an easy route to take but it worked for me (and her mother understands why I did it) Your sister sounds like my cousin... insecure and hateful. I'm sorry you have a sister like that.

Good luck
Yes, I let her talk to me like this because my parents have always let her, and I was afraid to make a peep that would disrupt "the family". Not a problem anymore....
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