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Old 10-04-2014, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley
4,050 posts, read 9,070,430 times
Reputation: 3404

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amisi View Post
4. Tell your husband to be a man and stop trying to please his father by allowing him to sexually harass you. And that's exactly what it is.
I so agree with this one, the problem is really between you and your husband. He needs to man up and handle it.

If I were you, I'd be thrilled to be blackballed by that family.
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Old 10-04-2014, 10:41 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,141 posts, read 20,325,757 times
Reputation: 26377
If he has a raunchy sense of humor in person and he's sending these things out to a group, not to you especially, then I doubt he's singling you out in a sexual way. He just thinks you're an adult and he's sharing adult jokes with his adult friends. If he's sending things just to you, that's different and I'd react differently to it. But with group texts, I'd ignore or block the unappreciated messages, and not start a big family drama, personally.

Just remember, you will most likely outlive the old guy. It's something to look forward to. That's how I dealt with my FIL. All that's left of him is his money, and it's much nicer to be around than he ever was.
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Old 10-05-2014, 02:21 AM
 
Location: Caverns measureless to man...
7,241 posts, read 4,642,623 times
Reputation: 16341
Quote:
Originally Posted by daylux View Post
Now for the past five months, my FIL has been sending me things he considers phallic symbols asking 'what does this look like?' He has also been sending tasteless sexual jokes involving 69 or cunnilingus. I tell hubby and he says 'he probably didn't mean to send that to you' not willing to face up to the fact that his dad is a disturbed man and is acting inappropriately.
Your father-in-law's behavior is disgusting and inexcusable, and your husband's refusal to address the issue is indefensible. The boy to whom you're married needs to "husband up" and define some boundaries. You have the right to expect much better from him, and if he doesn't have the courage to do that, then I would suggest you follow the advice of Wmns4Life in the first reply to your OP. That was the best advice in this whole thread, in my opinion.

One other thing I'll throw out there - you say you have no children at the moment, but do you plan to someday have any? Might you someday have a daughter? Because if this disgusting pig of a man truly does treat everyone in the family this way, then at some point in your own children's lives, they too will be the victims of this grotesque sexual harassment. Think about that for a moment, and if your husband really is unable to grow a backbone and do the right thing, make him look you in the face and explain to you why he'd be OK with that.

Good luck. You've been put in the middle of a pretty sorry situation, and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of good options. I hope you're able to find and effectuate the "least bad" one.

Last edited by Mr. In-Between; 10-05-2014 at 02:36 AM..
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Old 10-05-2014, 04:34 AM
 
2,717 posts, read 1,754,242 times
Reputation: 3318
Yes, the FIL behavior is despicable. However, you had to know he was like this before you got married.

When we get involved with people, we have to look at their family and decide if it's worth it. You married into a family that sounds pretty dysfunctional. No one is going to do anything about this creep. You may just have to live with it.

I'm not blaming the OP, but this shouldn't have been a surprise unless the husband refused to let her meet the family prior to marriage or she never asked to meet them. Either scenario is a red flag or foolish.

It's like marrying someone thinking that you'll change them once you're married. It usually doesn't happen. You marry into a dysfunctional family and you'll have to deal with it or get out.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic.
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Old 10-05-2014, 05:40 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles, CA
555 posts, read 609,911 times
Reputation: 1170
OP, please watch out for yourself. I hate to say it, but your post reminded me of:
Official: Missing woman's husband blows up house to kill himself, 2 sons - CNN.com

The FIL in that family -- yikes. Not saying your husband is going to blow up the kids, but the inappropriate (to say the least) communications your FIL has had with you....

I'm sorry you are dealing with this abusive family dynamic, and I'm sorry your husband is caught in that never-ending need to get his father's love and approval, which he will never get no matter what he does, and thus, which will keep him (and you) forever bound to the FIL and exposed to his abuse. That -- your husband's denial that his father is abusing him and you and everyone else in the family -- is the main problem. Solve that, and you and your husband will be able to detach from the FIL and remove yourself from that abusive family dynamic.

This is not a fight you are supposed to take up. And it's not about you wanting to avoid being the "bad DIL." Your husband needs to man up. But he clearly has considerable emotional work to do (perhaps with a therapist if possible) before he will understand his enabling role in this relationship.

In the mean time, I hope you are able to remove yourself as much as possible from the FIL's presence. Filter his email into a separate folder. Don't check it. Let his calls go to voicemail, then delete without listening to them. Block him on Facebook. Believe me, if it's important, someone will call your husband and he will tell you the important message. Make excuses to avoid going to gatherings where he will be. Above all else, never leave the kids with him ***or with anyone else who might allow him access to your kids***. Your husband needs to be with you on this. This FIL is not to be trusted with children.

And never take the bait. If you decide to go somewhere and your FIL is there, go into the situation with the mindset that you are going to interact with an mentally ill casual acquaintance. Do not appear upset when the FIL says what he says. Simply ignore, do not acknowledge what he said, and change the subject. Or casually walk away and talk to someone else, use the bathroom, go to the kitchen to get seconds, or whatever. Do not appear upset, as this may egg on the FIL to pile on more abuse. Reserve being upset for later on when you're in the privacy of your own home. Never engage with the FIL.

But avoid him at all cost. You can say no. Doesn't matter what others may think.
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Old 10-05-2014, 05:56 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,894 posts, read 17,209,728 times
Reputation: 40824
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amisi View Post
1. Tell the FIL that you do not want anymore emails like this ---- EVER.

2. Tell his wife (MIL) the same thing and give her a sampling of some of the disgusting things he's been sending, including a pic of their GRANDDAUGHTER with the "watch out for crabs" tag line.

3. Simply block his email address. A simple right-click and "block sender" will take care of that.

4. Tell your husband to be a man and stop trying to please his father by allowing him to sexually harass you. And that's exactly what it is.
Excellent points.

It is possible that FIL has a mental illness or a physical illness that causes him to act that way, but that still does not "excuse" the inappropriate behavior. Even people with mental illness need to be informed of social boundaries and monitored to follow social boundaries as best they can.

If he does do this because of severe mental illness (which I doubt), perhaps his wife (your MIL) needs to remove his access to computers and phones and limit or prohibit social interactions with others until he can learn to follow acceptable adult behavior.

What if FIL said some of these sexual things to a teenage neighbor or the friend of his granddaughter --- he could end up in jail. Why does his family think that it is OK to tolerate this behavior to family members?
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Old 10-05-2014, 06:24 AM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,010 posts, read 22,749,611 times
Reputation: 34910
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
No, you do not have to put up with it.

I had a step-grandfather like this. In my experience, confrontation probably will only egg him on. He will accuse you of being a prude or whatever else to put YOU in the bad guy role. SO you don't engage.

You need to tell your husband that you find his dad's behavior disgusting and inappropriate. Think about it: If it were ANY OTHER MAN, your husband would be furious that he was sending you this stuff. You are completely within your rights to NOT have to stand there and put up with this crap.

So you go no contact. Shut him down. He does not exist to you. Block his number: No more texts or emails. He does not come to your house when you are there. And for the love of God, do not let him near your kids.

You do NOT have to take on your husband's family problems. You can SUPPORT him in his stress, but to sit there and take this only serves as permission for it to continue and enables the behavior.
I agree. How would you respond to this guy if he was not your FIL? Respond like that. Tell him to stop sending that stuff, then block him. Tell your husband you will have no contact with ANYONE who behaves like this. That means, no more contact with him ANYWHERE. And I'd even say he's not welcome in your home. You should not have to leave your home, ever.

In a dysfunctional family like this one, everyone knows there are rules for how to behave with "outside" people, and their own sick rules for the "inside the family" people. I suggest you establish right now, that you must be considered to be under the rules for the "outside" people. Establish with your husband, too. I'd even say if this behavior continues, you will report it to the police.

Sorry, but you may even end up leaving your husband over this. I sincerely worry about you having kids that may ever be in contact with this man.

When people ask me why I don't have contact with my family anymore, I sometimes say, Ted Bundy had a family, too. Just because I'm related, doesn't mean I have to have anything to do with some crazy person. And neither do you.
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Old 10-05-2014, 08:02 AM
 
10,239 posts, read 9,324,494 times
Reputation: 15839
At this stage of the game, I doubt her husband will 'man up'; he's lived his life cowering around his sicko dad and begging for attention, acceptance and approval; and more than likely will continue in that role until he himself reaches his limit. She's already shown him the disgusting emails, etc., it's not as if her husband is unaware of what's going on.

Unfortunately it's going to be up to her to stand up to her FIL, not that he's going to change, but at least he'll know she isn't a wimp and his behavior is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated by her.
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Old 10-05-2014, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Down the rabbit hole
858 posts, read 945,872 times
Reputation: 2704
This failure to confront family simply because they're family has always confounded me. I've known at least 3 women in my life who've been molested (or it's been attempted) by male family members yet they refuse to cut these people from their lives. Just because a person is family, that does not give them carte blanche in their actions yet so many people treat "family" as sacrosanct.

I suspect at the root of this type of tolerance for intolerant behavior lies the age old commandment of honor thy father and thy mother. People feel guilty about confronting family because for most, family is supposed to be the ultimate fall back when everything else in life turns to splat. IMO, having no family is a better alternative than a family rife with disfunction.

It's absolutely amazing to me the BS that people are willing to put up with simply because it involves family. I wouldn't completely blame the husband, he's a product of some serious conditioning. If I would presume to offer any advice to the OP - it would be - discuss this with your husband and let him know you've had enough and that you plan to confront your FIL on the entire subject. A direct confrontation (in person or perhaps by email) will either solve the issue (if by a remote chance the FIL isn't aware) or totally blow it out of the water. On the bright side, in the event of the later, your holidays will now be freed up.
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Old 10-05-2014, 09:52 AM
 
2,717 posts, read 1,754,242 times
Reputation: 3318
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catdancer View Post
This failure to confront family simply because they're family has always confounded me. I've known at least 3 women in my life who've been molested (or it's been attempted) by male family members yet they refuse to cut these people from their lives. Just because a person is family, that does not give them carte blanche in their actions yet so many people treat "family" as sacrosanct.

I suspect at the root of this type of tolerance for intolerant behavior lies the age old commandment of honor thy father and thy mother. People feel guilty about confronting family because for most, family is supposed to be the ultimate fall back when everything else in life turns to splat. IMO, having no family is a better alternative than a family rife with disfunction.

It's absolutely amazing to me the BS that people are willing to put up with simply because it involves family. I wouldn't completely blame the husband, he's a product of some serious conditioning. If I would presume to offer any advice to the OP - it would be - discuss this with your husband and let him know you've had enough and that you plan to confront your FIL on the entire subject. A direct confrontation (in person or perhaps by email) will either solve the issue (if by a remote chance the FIL isn't aware) or totally blow it out of the water. On the bright side, in the event of the later, your holidays will now be freed up.
Best post of the thread.

I have a sister that is pure poison. I haven't spoken with her for almost 30 years. Life has been so much better without her and I have no intention of ever seeing her again.

That's probably what needs to happen here, but doubtful it will.
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