U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-04-2014, 12:59 PM
 
7,311 posts, read 4,955,920 times
Reputation: 6337

Advertisements

I married into this family a couple years ago. I've never liked the FIL, but have tried to find things I can respect about him just to get along. He's generous and tries to keep the family together, but that's about it.

Other than that, he's 'off' socially and not likable. He doesn't look you in the eyes when talking, he doesn't know how to hold a conversation without being domineering, and when he goes on his rants, he find things funny that aren't. (Sophomoric humor, poop, pee, farting, sex with sheep).

My husband is the least liked son, so he is still stuck in the role of trying to please his dad, so he puts up with it, so I have to put up with it.

When we first started dating, I remember his dad sending him a picture of himself lying down naked in the dark with a banana over his private parts pretending to be sleeping. I was like, omg. My husband just dismissed it (though he was a little irritated). So I figured he just had an odd sense of humor.

Now for the past five months, my FIL has been sending me things he considers phallic symbols asking 'what does this look like?' He has also been sending tasteless sexual jokes involving 69 or cunnilingus. I tell hubby and he says 'he probably didn't mean to send that to you' not willing to face up to the fact that his dad is a disturbed man and is acting inappropriately. He has asked him in the past to stop sending sexual jokes, but then it creeps back in. He does send out group texts, but somehow I feel like I'm being singled out because of how conservative I am. I know he's not sending it to the younger people on his list, however, he did send out a pic of his grand-daughter in her bathing suit and then wrote 'watch out for the crabs.' Just inappropriate.

I'm starting to resent it, and have disgust for him and don't even want to go to family get togethers. It's so awkward as it is because it's dysfunctional and everyone is pretending, but I can't even look at him anymore. I dare not say anything because this man is unreasonable and my husband is still in that 'trying to please dad' role. It's such as weird family, people let this disturbed man lead the family and no one visits and when we do it's just quiet and forced. I don't know how to approach this at all. He has had personality problems in the past, and they suspect he has a psychiatric disorder but will not confront him over it. My MIL is always apologizing for him, and others in the extended family have warned me about him, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in the immediate family so I guess I put up with it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,295 posts, read 41,861,706 times
Reputation: 83180
Quote:
Originally Posted by daylux View Post
I married into this family a couple years ago. I've never liked the FIL, but have tried to find things I can respect about him just to get along. He's generous and tries to keep the family together, but that's about it.

Other than that, he's 'off' socially and not likable. He doesn't look you in the eyes when talking, he doesn't know how to hold a conversation without being domineering, and when he goes on his rants, he find things funny that aren't. (Sophomoric humor, poop, pee, farting, sex with sheep).

My husband is the least liked son, so he is still stuck in the role of trying to please his dad, so he puts up with it, so I have to put up with it.

When we first started dating, I remember his dad sending him a picture of himself lying down naked in the dark with a banana over his private parts pretending to be sleeping. I was like, omg. My husband just dismissed it (though he was a little irritated). So I figured he just had an odd sense of humor.

Now for the past five months, my FIL has been sending me things he considers phallic symbols asking 'what does this look like?' He has also been sending tasteless sexual jokes involving 69 or cunnilingus. I tell hubby and he says 'he probably didn't mean to send that to you' not willing to face up to the fact that his dad is a disturbed man and is acting inappropriately. He has asked him in the past to stop sending sexual jokes, but then it creeps back in. He does send out group texts, but somehow I feel like I'm being singled out because of how conservative I am. I know he's not sending it to the younger people on his list, however, he did send out a pic of his grand-daughter in her bathing suit and then wrote 'watch out for the crabs.' Just inappropriate.

I'm starting to resent it, and have disgust for him and don't even want to go to family get togethers. It's so awkward as it is because it's dysfunctional and everyone is pretending, but I can't even look at him anymore. I dare not say anything because this man is unreasonable and my husband is still in that 'trying to please dad' role. It's such as weird family, people let this disturbed man lead the family and no one visits and when we do it's just quiet and forced. I don't know how to approach this at all. He has had personality problems in the past, and they suspect he has a psychiatric disorder but will not confront him over it. My MIL is always apologizing for him, and others in the extended family have warned me about him, but unfortunately, I'm stuck in the immediate family so I guess I put up with it?
No, you do not have to put up with it.

I had a step-grandfather like this. In my experience, confrontation probably will only egg him on. He will accuse you of being a prude or whatever else to put YOU in the bad guy role. SO you don't engage.

You need to tell your husband that you find his dad's behavior disgusting and inappropriate. Think about it: If it were ANY OTHER MAN, your husband would be furious that he was sending you this stuff. You are completely within your rights to NOT have to stand there and put up with this crap.

So you go no contact. Shut him down. He does not exist to you. Block his number: No more texts or emails. He does not come to your house when you are there. And for the love of God, do not let him near your kids.

You do NOT have to take on your husband's family problems. You can SUPPORT him in his stress, but to sit there and take this only serves as permission for it to continue and enables the behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
6,996 posts, read 4,000,763 times
Reputation: 13033
He is acting crude, rude, vulgar, sick and disrespectful. I would cut all ties with him, and avoid him at all costs.
Sounds like he needs professional help. Obviously nobody in the family really wants to be around him any more...that is why when they do visit it is just quiet and forced.

You need to tell your husband, that you love him...but that having to deal with this kind of situation is creepy and abnormal...and you want to avoid his Father from now on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:24 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,081,523 times
Reputation: 4286
The best thing is let your husband to deal with his father other wise you end up as bad DIL. That is not what you want right?

Last edited by Zeurich; 10-04-2014 at 01:53 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,295 posts, read 41,861,706 times
Reputation: 83180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurich View Post
The best thing is let your husband to deal with his father other wise you end up as bad DIL. That is not what you want right?
Who cares?!!!!!!!!

I would hate to be the "good DIL" to a sick perv like this guy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,361,139 times
Reputation: 41484
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
No, you do not have to put up with it.

I had a step-grandfather like this. In my experience, confrontation probably will only egg him on. He will accuse you of being a prude or whatever else to put YOU in the bad guy role. SO you don't engage.

You need to tell your husband that you find his dad's behavior disgusting and inappropriate. Think about it: If it were ANY OTHER MAN, your husband would be furious that he was sending you this stuff. You are completely within your rights to NOT have to stand there and put up with this crap.

So you go no contact. Shut him down. He does not exist to you. Block his number: No more texts or emails. He does not come to your house when you are there. And for the love of God, do not let him near your kids.

You do NOT have to take on your husband's family problems. You can SUPPORT him in his stress, but to sit there and take this only serves as permission for it to continue and enables the behavior.
I totally agree with Wmsn, perhaps even show your hubby one of the racier email and say that it came from a male co-worker and watch him go ballistic! And, then say, "Oops, I read it wrong, it actually came from your dad."

And, I second- Do not let him alone with your children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 01:54 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 3,081,523 times
Reputation: 4286
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Who cares?!!!!!!!!

I would hate to be the "good DIL" to a sick perv like this guy.
Me I am not going in to conversations with FIL's I am handing over that to my man. May be that is me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 02:27 PM
mzd
 
419 posts, read 756,657 times
Reputation: 932
OP - if he sends you tasteless jokes through email, just set up a filter and anything that comes from him will go directly into the Trash folder without your having to look at it. Gmail, Yahoo mail, Hotmail, etc all have that capability.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 03:16 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,821 posts, read 18,794,708 times
Reputation: 24495
okay first off tell your husband to grow a pair and tell his dad to back off and cut it out or said FIL is not allowed at your home or around your kids ever . Did you know the dad was like this when you married into this family ? and you still married into it ? that behavior would have or should have sent red flags everywhere . Family or not if he keeps up this behavior I would report it to law enforcement too bad if dear hubby does not like it he can go too and live with daddy if he is so okay with it . Does this sound harsh ? yes it does but unless you are willing to get tough and get a backbone this behavior will not stop .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-04-2014, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Lebanon, OH
5,898 posts, read 6,327,291 times
Reputation: 12582
Your FIL is sick and weird, the best thing to do is ignore anything he sends, don't reply, just delete it, he is probably trying to get a rise out of you, don't give him the satisfaction. If your MIL is always apologizing for him at least she realizes how out of line he is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top